Alcoholic husband....now it's divorce, how to cope with 3 children ??

[MA53NDY]

I have recently decided to seperate from my husband of two years (been together 8 years) as his drinking has become totally out of control and i can no longer live with him, the love i had has died

This is a 36 year old who binge drinks every weekend, comes home drunk, lies on the floor in front of the kids, argues, shouts at me then has blackouts the next day.

He is seeing a counsellor weekly but still drinks 3 days later, i have found empty bottles in the bathroom, outside the window, in the wardrobe, even the communal electicity cupboard.

I am now left with 3 children aged 11, 6 & 1 and finding life a struggle most days, love the kids and feel the seperation was the best decision as we no longer dread him returning home after work or during a bingeing session.

He has said sorry & blames himself but this weekend tried the sympathy card, wants to end his life and feels he may as well stop living. I am not taking him back, been there before but how do i support the children through this seperation and most importantly keep strong and keep going on a daily basis.

Some days i just want to give up and stay in bed i am so tired, working full time doing the school, nursery run, cooking, cleaning, chasing baby round the house is soooo tiring on your own!!

Sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say well done for getting out. My mum never left my dad and I think it would have been better for all of us if she had.

stay strong.

also left ex with 3 dcs and life much better tho he still causes issues re: contact.

you are not responsible for his thoughts and feeelings.

if you msut say something just repeat "please discuss these feelings with your councsellor" . he is not your repsonsibility - yours is to you and the dcs.

you are not responsible if he follows thru with his threats (my bet is he wont - is all about meotional blackmail....). if he does attempt then call 999 and have them deal with him.

see a counsellor yourself to talk things thru and for advice on dealingwith the childrens quesitons - but keep things simple, tell the truth ("daddy is sick")

and have the dcs meet him on neutral grounds outside your home with a third party present.

put in writing a proposed contact schedule. start a regular contact arrangement so it doesnt become up to him when he turns up.

buyy a new mobile cheap pay as you go just for him to call so you can separate him from your own life.

i have 4 kids and ended my marriage 3.5 yrs ago because of his drinking

its hard work but a better way to live than how you are now

if not for yourself, it will be good for your kids not to grow up in that environment

Perhaps going to Al Anon would give you some support - emotional if nothing else?
Do you have any support from nearby family? Perhaps you could get some support from Homestart volunteers - I think your health visitor could tell you more.

I think you are doing the right thing btw, it sounds a terrible environment for you and the DCs. It will be a strain for you just now but stay strong and it will get better.

I left my marriage to an alcoholic after 22 years. It's tough. If your love has died, you are lucky, it should help prevent you getting sucked back in.

My XH also played the sympathy card for a fair while after I left, 3 suicide attempts. He phoned me the first time to say goodbye, I changed my number. I was in counselling and it really helped me deal with the fact it wouldn't be my responsibility if he did manage to kill himself. After the most serious attempt he was put in for psychiatric assessment but when his dad phoned to tell me I just said "he and I are not together any more, this is not for me to deal with."

You've done the best for your kids by getting out. His wellbeing is now longer your responsibility even though you do have children. He's an adult, there are support bodies available if he really wants help. If he doesn't, that's his choice. I know some people say alcoholism is a disease and they can't help it but that's easy to say if you're not married to an alcoholic who refuses treatment. Would they refuse treatment for a broken leg...?

You've done the right thing, stay strong...

MA53NDY - CONGRATULATIONS on leaving your alcholic husband. SO many women don't make that brave decision and you have given your children the very best chance of living in a stress free environment.

You sound like you will not get sucked into his attempts to make you feel sorry for him and take him back (re threats to take his life etc) such an obvious ploy to get you back. Stay strong even if you are tired and stressed - that will pass. Having a 1 year old as well as the oldr ones is bound to be tiring but hang on in there - you WILL come through this

NJE36 and cestlavielife - brilliant advice.

Congratulations!!
You've done the right thing for yourself and your dc. When you feel down or stressed just remember what life was like with him. At least now you don't have all that uncertainty and madness in your life.
Give Al Anon a try, they will really help.
As for supporting the dc, try and be as honest as possible and tell them that he still loves them but he has an illness that means he can't be his real self all the time. Arranging supervised meetings with him and dc in a neutral place is a great idea.
Good luck.

Thanks fpr all the advice, i am trying to be strong but have off days like everyone i guess. I have heard a lot abou t Al-anon and may contact them, could be quite helpful.

I did go to counslling before for myself and he came to one joint session but it didn't really help. I found the counselling made me realise i needed to get out but i had to find the strength to end the marriage and i guess i was really worried about what people would say as we have only been married a short while, now i think who cares, they weren't living my life.

Having said this i am still embaressed and haven't told anyone about our seperation except my mum & dad and 3 best friends. I feel ashamed at how things have turned out and hate to think people will be talking about my marriage breakdown and his drinking.

You don't need to lie or cover up for him anymore- the other posters are spot on- he is NOT your responsibility now...concentrate on you and the kids.

How is your social support network, ie family and friends?...it CAN be incredibly lonely, especially with the physical demans of a little one.
I'd also go along with the Al-Anon suggestion. Alcoholism is an illness that affects the whole family.

Good luck- it is up to HIM to sort himself out...perhaps by losing his family he can then do what he needs to.

You have nothing to be ashamed about, believe me.

You didn't cause it
You couldn't control it
You can't cure it.

I'm sure you will find that people won't judge you, many probably had an idea what was going on anyway - no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

Have a look at this website too if you find it hard to get to an Al Anon meeting.

nje3006 - "Would they refuse treatment for a broken leg...?" That would rather depend on whether they knew their leg was broken. As a recovering alcoholic myself I can honestly say that I was one of the very last people to know about my alcoholism. I thought I just liked a drink and that, if I tried just once more, I would find the secret to managing it.

Re OP - make sure you arrange access when you think he will be sober (lunchtime, early evening, weekdays) and don't be afraid to cancel access at the last minute if he turns up pissed - illness or not, you can't leave kids with a drunk.

Someone mentioned AlAnon- your oldest child could possibly go with you, or else to AlaTeen, if you/he/she thought it might help.

Hope things get sorted - there really are no winners in this sort of situation. Thinking of you.

You guys are so supportive thanks, it means a lot as i don't have much support and do often feel lonely especially at night when the kids are asleep and it's just me and my laptop!!

Ginny i love what you said ...

''You have nothing to be ashamed about, believe me.

You didn't cause it
You couldn't control it
You can't cure it.''

I need to remember this and move on with my life.

My daughter is 6 and suffering as she believes her dad doesn't love her and says this all the time, a few weeks ago he took her to the park, decided to drink and was asleep in the grasss, drunk with a bottle of guiness by his feet. He left her in the care of a mother and child (my daughter knew the child a little from play centre)who we know nothing about.

This incident was the last straw and i decided he had to go, our DC could have been kidnapped or worse and he would never have known as he was asleep!!

Going away next week for a break with the kids so i should be able to clear my head and come back more positive, no chance of him coming back though we are 100% through

Ma53ndy - thanks. I can't claim the credit for it though.
It is an Al Anon phrase which has helped me through some hard times.

about him crashing out in the park leaving your dc alone. How despicable.

hi, i chucked out my husband at christmas 2008 when i couldnt cope with him any more, we have 2 children under 5.
i thought it would give him a kick up the backside & make him get help.
it didnt, he died of liver failure in july aged 40.
He had some abnormal blood tests, went into hospital & died in there 4 wks later.
Needless to say i am devastated.
Could i have done more? maybe, but my priority was and is my kids, i couldnt cope with looking after him & them.
Its just such a terrible waste of life.
I'm still in shock.
People think they wont die from drinking- he was a fit & healthy, wonderful man until the alcohol took a hold.
Tell all drinkers this story- my husband would have been devastated if he thought he'd be leaving his kids, he used to be a fantastic father.
good luck
x

oh chickens there was nothing you could have done - it was probably already too late when you kicked him out. If you hadn't kicked him out he would still be dead and you would now be wondering if letting him stay was the wrong thing to do. The only person who could have saved him was himself and he was unable or unwilling to do so.

MA53NDY, the most help you can get for yourself in coping with the fallout and understanding, the easier it'll be helping your DCs. In Al-Anon you'll find people with the same preocupations and it'll make a huge difference in time in your outlook and how you feel.

There really isn't anything you can do to make it change - it will or it won't, but please don't blame yourself and thus fall in the same trap of self-pity he now seems to find himself in from what you are saying.

Re: broken legs, I found that comment most unhelpful. It is an illness of the mind and the spirit, MIFLAW nailed it in his reply.

I left my ex-h over 2 1/2 years ago when my son was 13 months old. He carried on drinking until he lost yet another job, was told by the doctor if he carried on drinking he would be dead in a year and then he saw the light. He has now been sober for nearly 2 years. His drinking caused my love for him to die and there is no going back although we get on well for the sake of our son.

I went to Al-anon for a while and it did help me to realise that this illness affects people from all walks of life and you have absolutley nothing to be ashamed of! It is completely normal to feel ashamed though, I remember having to tell family and friends and cringing with shame but, without exception, everyone's reaction was entirely supportive and understanding.

You will get through this and it will make you a stronger person. My ex has told me that if I hadn't left him, which was the start of him losing everything he had, he would be dead - he had to reach rock bottom in order to get some help. Chickens I'm so sorry to see that didn't happen with you.

Good luck- take every day as it comes x

chickens if you are around please could you tell me a bit more about your DH's drinking?

I am so sorry for your loss firstly.
My DH is an alcoholic although will not admit it. In early summer he went for a blood test and was told his liver was under strain. He agreed to cut down. Two days ago I caught him drinking spirits at 2pm. I am gutted. He is due to have the blood test repeated this week. If it shows that he has not cut down then I have told him it is over, but yet am unsure if this is the right move.

He never seems drunk btw - I think he drinks too much. He drinks every day. (he works with alcohol so is around it all the time). But he is never violent or anything like that.

Would be grateful for any comments.

bump

Some alcoholics have a very high threshold for drunkenness. Some have to keep topping up constantly and they might only infrequently appear really drunk.

Only the alcoholic is responsible in any way for the drinking or the consequences for themselves. Aleene, it's very hard for a loved one to accept that the drinker cannot be reached by love or concern, that they have pretty much shut you out and retreated into their own alcoholic world. It's easy to believe that they care enough about you or the relationship or even about themselves to see the wisdom of stopping, but an alcoholic doesn't see things the way a non-alcoholic does. Chickens, so sad for you -- it wasn't your fault and there's absolutely nothing you could have done. There's nothing wrong with saving yourself and doing your utmost for the welfare of the children. This is what grown ups do. You sound as if you need a lot of help grieving both the man who lost his life and the dreams you once had for your family and your life together.

Maths ive tryed to contact you please read my thread, yournotalone, I still have my inner core.

Alcohol.............people drink for a reason, maybe they saw there parents do it, or it could be just an eascape, either one should not be tolerated.

please read my thread........ xxxxx

Have namechanged for this subject.

"Some alcoholics have a very high threshold for drunkenness".

This is so true. BIL was a 'functioning' alocholic for years and his (now X) W covered up for him (I would guess due to embarrassment).

She eventually had enough and kicked him out when it all came to light that his drinking was out of control and he was regularly driving whilst drunk.

That was 7 yrs ago. He is now early 40s with no job (sacked for being drunk - loads of warnings and support from employer but they lost their patience in the end), no wife, no kids (they are late teens now and got fed up of playing second fiddle to the bottle)and living back with his DPs (my PIL).

He spends most of his time unconcious and everyone is affected by this. e.g. PILs can't go on holiday without him or even go out for the day because they can't trust him not to leave the door wide open when he goes out for 'supplies'. There are times when we can't take our DCs to see their GPs becuase BIL is in a violent state. But MIL wont give up on her son.

Would this be any different if his Ex W hadn't kicked him out? Probably not - if losing his job, kids and wife haven't given him the kick up the arse he needs then nothing will.

To anyone who has had enough of living with an alcoholic partner I'd say don't feel guilty for putting yourself and your dcs first. Alcoholism is a selfish disease - you need a 'partner' not an extra 'child'.

MA53NDY I can totally relate to your post. I have decided I have had enough of my husbands drinking after 2 years of marriage also. He doesn't black out obviously but does forget conversations and events that happened. He doesn't drink during the day just at night but definitely has an addiction. I have found beers outside, in the shed, down the side of the house, hidden in the bins, under the mattress, plant pots and up the loft! I do love him but its like he is 2 ppl. During the day he can be great and in the evening you just can't rely on him. Recently I was ill with a fever and he took our 1 year old daughter out to get some dinner for us all. He was gone hours and when he came home I honestly cannot guarantee he was sober which terrified me.
I have decided to split from him but it is so involved. We own a house together and work together, its messy to say the least. I am positive that if I end the relationship he will try and commit suicide as he has done so previously. I just want to have a normal life. Did he leave your house? I am trying to get him to leave as it is not healthy for our little one hearing us argue all the time but he says he has nowhere to go. He is currently at his mums but can't stay there long term. Part of me thinks maybe it would be easier to turn a blind eye to his drinking.......