Lost/Broken Friendship - Our DH's & children are friends too - thoughts/experiences pls.

[LouMacca]

Yesterday I decided to end a friendship of 14 years (which has been limping on for the past 2). Its a shame as we were once good friends, we are godparents to each others children, etc. but she has let me down so many times over the past couple of years that I just don't want to be friends anymore.

Bit of background. We met through our DH's working together and they moved into the same area as us. I introduced her to my circle of friends as she didn't seem to have many of her own. About 5 years ago they moved about 15 mintues away. She has made new friends with school mums, which I am pleased about, but over the past 2 years she has more or less completely dumped us.

We make arrangements to get together but it hardly ever happens - the excuses range from her being poorly/DH being poorly/kids being poorly/had another invitation so going there instead (this is after we have already made our plans)/repair man coming round (she certainly keeps him in business!) and many other excuses including letting us know the day before that they wouldn't be spending New Years Eve with us as they normally do as DH was working.

We had plans to go out for the day yesterday and 2 hours before we were due to go she sent a text to say they wouldn't be going as she was poorly (again). Of course I know people do get poorly but we are now in double figures. After speaking on the phone and sending a couple of texts to each other I realised that I am making all the effort and its just not worth it when I have to tell my 6 year old twins that our plans with Auntie A and their friends B & C have been cancelled yet again.

I ended up going to the park with one of my lovely school mum friends and it made me realise how much me and A have grown apart despite all my effort. My DH was out of work for 3 months and I didn't receive one single text from her to see how we were coping. When he did get a job it is working away from home for 5 days, again no text to see if she can help yet the Mums at school who I have only known for a couple of years were inviting my DCs for tea and doing anything they could to help. I could go on, I feel better just getting some of it down.

The problem is that our DH's are friends and they have 2 lovely daughters that are our godchildren. I have spoken to my DH and he feels I am in the right and that this might give her the kick up the backside she needs to realise what a good friend I have actually been to her. The thing is I have decided the friendship is over, this puts my DH is a bad position and I feel awful that our relationship with their children will be over.

Sorry its so long. Anyone else had a similar experience?

Why do you need to do anything proactive? Just stop bothering with her and let the other parts of the friendship find their new patterns. Sometimes re-classification of friendships is necessary. Re-classify her as a rather flaky friend who you'll see if she instigates it, but who you will no longer making much of an effort for. No need to tell her as such. Keep up your committment to your godchildren by sending cards for birthdays etc.

if she isn't contacting you to make arrangements to meet, I don't think there'll be any kind of big bust-up if you just let it slide and no longer contact her yourself. You can still be nice if you ever do bump up or are you planning on telling her that the friendship is at an end and letting her know how you feel?

Why do you have to officially end the friendship?
Can't you just let it slide and die a natural death.
Or just see these people occasionally at birthdays etc.
Seems a bit OTT to end a friendship like this. Friendships do change over the years.

Thanks for the quick responses.

ZZZ - she knows how I feel after a phone conversation that we had yesterday. She sent me a very haughty text after we finished the conversation rather than actually say what she thought on the phone while she had the chance.

I'm not going to bother with her again as I obviously have too much anger towards her to continue a friendship but I will definitely be continuing to send cards and presents to the children.

I'm in a similar situation myself - I have a friend of 15+ years, I am godmother to her children (she isn't to mine, my kids were not christened!). The friendship started drifting and I have felt for some time that I have been making all the running. It's always me contacting her, she never phones me or texts. And echoing your own experience, this friend would make arrangements and then cancel at the last minute with what seemed to be a flimsy excuse. Or if I suggested something she would have no time because they are always so very busy.

I haven't exactly ended the friendship, but I am making no effort to contribute to it, IYKWIM. It's a shame and I really miss her, but friends do come and go (I keep telling myself this).

Your dh is supportive of you and your decision. He can find his own way of maintaining his own friendship with them if that's what he wants and you are able to support what he chooses to do.

Do you plan to indicate to her in some way that the friendship is over? I ask because all I have done with my (ex)friend is not contact her any more and so not actively try to keep the friendship alive. If she were ever to contact me, I'd like to think that I would respond.

Hi greeneyed. Thats the thing that gets me. We all have such busy lives but it only takes 2 minutes to text or pick up for phone and say hello, how are you?

It was my twins birthday in mid-January and she pushed their cards through the door. We were home, the car was in the path, yet she couldn't even knock and say hello to her godchildren for 5 minutes.

When we saw the family late last year (again, I invited them for Sunday Dinner and they actually showed up!) their 6 year old DD told my 5 year old DD that she wasn't allowed to come to her party later that year, Mummy (my friend) had said she couldn't invite her even though she wanted to. The girls have always got on very well and it upset me so much that she would ban my DD from going to the party against her own DD's wishes.!

Like you, I will not make contact with her now. If she does text me then I'm just going to be really honest and tell her that I think our friendship has run its course. I did try to speak to her on the phone yesterday but she cut the conversation short and then sent me a snotty text, of course I then sent a snotty one back which I probably shouldn't have done.

Its a shame isn't it when you think you are going to be friends with someone for life?

i don't think you have to be blunt. just don't text or phone. i think after your mutual snotty texts you probably won't hear from her again.

your dh and his friendship with her dh doesn't have to be affected - they can carry on at work and don't have to involve you.

Hi Lou best to let it go, I think. You have other friends who sound like they are more supportive of you.

It is a desperate shame when a friendship comes to an end, especially one that has lasted over a long period of time.

I miss my friend as she used to be, not the more recent person she had turned into - so far up her own exhaust pipe she hasn't seen daylight for a good long while!

From what you are saying, your friend seemed to be really hard work. It might be me living in cloud cuckoo land, but you shouldn't be having to chase after people to be your friend and any that you do have to chase aren't worth the bother, no matter how far back the friendship goes.

This happened to me with my best friend . We had been friends since age 5 . Last year , she seemed to cut our phone conversations short , and it was me who always instigated them anyway. I kept it to myself , and didn't bother calling her. I think she missed me , as we are back on track , and I feel she's still my lovely friend.

Sometimes it's best just to leave well alone , and just see what happens.