Please Help So Confused and Upset Don't Know what to do

[jennyloc]

I met my new partner in November last year and we clicked straight away and it has been great. I have a son and they get on fantastically which is great also. He moved in with me in March and although it was quite quick and we have had a few testing times because we have both been on our own for so long it took some getting used to more on my part than anything but I love him being there and we have such a laugh and get on fantastically.

I decided to book us a weekend away to Dublin as a surprise for the end of September and went into his drawer in the bedroom where he keeps all his papers to check his passport was up to date before I went ahead and booked.

In the folder that he keeps his passport I found some letters to a girl he had an affair with about three years ago, she was a secretary where he worked and married - they are very explicit about what they would like to do to each other etc. etc. I was gutted absolutely devastated to come across these. What I can't understand is why has he brought them to the house where we are suspossedly starting a new life together.

When he moved in with me he took a load of paperwork and other stuff to his mum and dad's why not these, he must have wanted to bring them with him and I know he knows they are there because he used his passport in April for a trip away with some friends, I also found a couple of text messages on his phone from her and from him to her which are from way before we met but why has he kept them.

I don't know what to do, do I confront him, keep quite and see if they go, I am just so upset that he bought them with him and am now imagining all sorts of things like if she comes back on the scene will he leave me for her, are they still in contact, does he still have feelings for her and only using me as a stop gap, he is very affectionate but doesn't really show his feelings much although he has told me he loves me. Advice needed as to what to do next

Hmmm..........sometimes men leave things like this around for the partner to see. Maybe this is the case here. It could be that the time with the other woman was exciting and he was flattered and wants to keep the "proof" of that - not altogether unsurprising but bit strange that he has left them where you could come across them, which makes me suspect he half wanted you to see them.

I would mention you have seen them as his reaction will be interesting and maybe lead you to understand more about why he has kept them.

Try not to be dramatic about it - maybe something like "had a bit of a shock to see those letters - don't usually read other people's letters but couldn't really help myself - did you want me to see them?

I think it's essential that you say something now because even if the letters "go away" you won't forget them. You are now checkingup on him (not surprising) and this is so destructive for you and the relationship.

Time for a talk to him about the letters - keep calm and don't go into over drive. Your aim should be to try to find out why he has put the letters where you can see them which will lead you further forward. Best way to do this is if youstay calm and don't go into blaming mode.

Good luck and take care

it wouldnt bother me - i dont see the problem here

i would defo mention it in a " saw your kinky letters you pervy git" kind of way

truthfully though - if i were fortunate enough to have sex/love letters from a former partner - i think i might keep them for posterities sake. such an ego boost.

but reflects not on you at all.

I think it may be a ego massage kinda thing. I know I have kept things to look at from time to time to make me feel nice (not kinky!) , nothing more than that. I guess it just makes him feel good... I would do what custy said though, mention it but without an untone of accusation

Thanks so much for your replies. I was going to talk to him calmly about what I had seen to see what he says because as you said Nana Nina if they do go I will be forever wondering and I need to get it off my chest or it will ruin everything which I do not want to happen because I really think we have a future together.

Its just that I have been so badly hurt in the past by my son's father, keeping secrets cheating time and time again that I am scared it will happen again, I panic and unfortunately do see it as a reflection on me not being good enough which is my own problem to deal with I know. I do understand that everyone has a past, I have too but these letters are in our bedroom and just bit too close for comfort.

I don't see the problem either?

If they were from before you got together he's probably just kept them because they are a bit racy.

It's not nice to see such an explicit reminder of his past relationships but that's what it is - the past - and I don't think it's worth getting upset about.

I'm with LoW - I've got letters like that (although not so racy) from an old love, I like to know that they are there, its about remembering old times, and indeed it is an ego massage. Nothing more nothing less, a rembrance who you were (a young exciting ambitious thing) before you became who you are today (a mundane mother of two with dull job, but very loving, if slightly difficult DH).