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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH doesn't want another baby....

50 replies

BroodyLady · 11/08/2009 23:36

....and I really, really do.

This is becoming a huge issue in our relationship. We have been arguing about it for months but we're going round in circles.

Firstly I have to say I feel very blessed to have 3 lovely healthy dcs. But I want, I need to do it again. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish - I know we are so lucky and some people would give anything to have one child let alone 3. DH feels so complete with the way things are, and nothing I have said so far could change his mind.

I am a SAHM, we can easily afford another dc, I have found such purpose and fulfilment from being a mother, it's what I do well, there is nothing else I would rather be doing.

I am starting to resent my husband for denying me this. I don't see a way out - there is no compromise. DH is a very level-headed person who doesn't make decisions lightly so I don't hold out much hope for changing his mind, but I feel so angry with him that I have moved house several times and coped on my own a lot when he was away working to support his career, but he won't recognise my need for my "career".

He says I should be grateful for what we have and that we're getting older and there are too many risks. I'm 35 and he's 36. I replied that this issue isn't going to go away, but we'll be even older later.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks.

OP posts:

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 12/08/2009 21:37

Maria that's very interesting to read what you say, as I'm struggling with much the same thoughts myself. You are absolutely right that the relationship between the parents is very important - in my case, DP has been a generous and supportive, hands on dad, but our relationship has taken a back seat in a big way for us to have children, so I can understand him wanting to move on and perhaps put ourselves to the fore a little bit more....

Lots to think about here - BroodyLady I really hope you and DH find a way forward you're both happy with x

hambler · 12/08/2009 23:34

Maria what beautiful sensitive posts .
Broody I can't add any more to this but wanted to reiterate I am in awe of you for doing all the kiddy work with three and still wanting a fourth!

twoclimbingboys · 13/08/2009 00:00

BroodyLady - I understand your need for another, as I would love a third dc. I have managed to stall my DH from having a vasectomy by getting a 5 yr copper coil. When that is taken out (I am currently 27 and DH is 29) plan to have serious talks with him again about this.

Original poster

BroodyLady · 13/08/2009 00:13

Hambler that is nice of you to say but really I am a wicked witch at times, possibly because I have to cope alone a lot!

OP posts:

hambler · 13/08/2009 00:21

most people whose husbands do NOTHING to help and drag them round the country with their work come on to mumsnet complaining about this fact.

You are quite up to speed with this burden and are in fact using it as a bargaining tool for a fourth! Wicked witch or not, you must be a strong person!

Original poster

BroodyLady · 13/08/2009 00:28

Well thanks again! Obviously I do get fed up at times but I see how hard he works to give us what we have etc. I would rather have it this way than have to work long hours myself just to pay the mortgage between us, and hardly see the children. I do moan at him though - I could really do with him putting them to bed sometimes. It is quite a difficult balancing act - I want him to be enthusiastic about his work but at the same time feel his priority is his family. Mostly it works ok and he's good at switching off once he's home, but we have difficult times. I do wonder about all this too when I think about a 4th dc!

OP posts:

hambler · 13/08/2009 00:34

best of luck with the big chat.

I hope you come to a happy resolution you can both live with. You both sound like fab people.

Original poster

BroodyLady · 13/08/2009 00:37

Thank you, am still waiting for reply to email.

OP posts:

Maria2007 · 13/08/2009 18:57

What email?

...hope things turn out better, really I do. It's so hard with these situations.

Btw, I'm also in awe of you: 3 children & coping so well!!

JigglyPiggy · 13/08/2009 21:45

hi broody

have you had a response yet? I am having a strange day today as my period finally decided to make an appearance. I panic posted the other night as i realised DS was 12 wks and it had not arrived yet. I did a test which was negative but thought 'you never know'

i was a little dissapointed but mainly felt ok. it got me thinking today that what your experiencing is probably similar to the emotional drain we experienced when ttc DC2. It took years for us to fall pg and the longing i felt for it was almost like a physical pain. I also think its irrelevant how many DC you have or dont have as for me it was almost like my body was aching for that baby!

I therefore hope your DH is able to give you the support you need to express these feelings even if he does not agree with you at present.

Original poster

BroodyLady · 13/08/2009 22:10

Just read earlier post and realised I made typos and it wasn't clear - DH is abroad so we communicate by email. I sent him a message separate from the chatty or practical ones saying that we need to have serious talk about the issue of another baby. I kept it quite short and didn't really say anything I haven't said before, but I wanted him to know how much this is stressing me out, and that we can't keep burying our heads because it won't solve itself. He sent a message today but it was just info about when his flight gets in etc, so I took that to mean he will talk to me in person and not do this stuff by email.

JigglyPiggy hope you are ok. Also very impressed you could imagine another dc so soon after having one!

OP posts:

JigglyPiggy · 13/08/2009 22:24

practically im at the thought of being pg so soon but then again I know I could'nt go through the ttc process for years on end again.

I am very lucky DS is such a happy contented baby.

One option we have discussed is seeing what happens i.e. no vasectomy and no contraception. If I don't fall pg within a year then its time to say we tried but thats a natural end to things. However, last time it was only once i had truly relaxed and started to live again and actually enjoy sex with DH rather than see it as a means to an end that i actually fell pg!!

skyward · 13/08/2009 22:28

Hi. I am currently expecting number three and am determined to keep it in my head that this is my last and be happy with it. My elder sister is 43 and has been in turmoil wanting another baby since her dc3 was born 4 1/2 years ago - to the extent that she got pregnant accidentally last year and I'm not entirely convinced she didn't 'allow' it to happen. She lost the baby but her longing as far as I can see ruined the early years of her last child - she couldn't enjoy it. Her DH was adamant that he didn't want another. Like someone else said I think part of the problem was wanting time to stand still and not wanting to leave that part of her life behind. But at some point you have to - and you have to think about having these children at the other end, when they are all wanting to go to university and costing a fortune. My sister said that men always want less children than women - and I think she's right. But maybe they can separate the emotional from the practical - and should be listened to (not often though!!!)

Original poster

BroodyLady · 13/08/2009 22:41

JigglyPiggy so glad things worked out for you in the end.

Skyward, I also went through my 3rd pg telling myself she was my last. I did enjoy her as a baby but it was also quite a bittersweet time. At each stage I was aware I was going through it for the last time and trying to force myself to be ok with that.

OP posts:

cazboldy · 14/08/2009 18:30

That's what I am doing BroodyLady

dd2 is coming up for 2 and a half, she is utterly gorgeous, and is dry in the day, and sleeping in a big bed now - which is fab , but it means he co has been taken down, and an end to nappies all the time too..... friends of mine see it as a welcome milestone, I can't help but feel a bit

cazboldy · 14/08/2009 18:31

thecot has been taken down - sorry he "T" on my keyboard is rubbish!

kittywise · 14/08/2009 18:40

Well I have 6 and desperately want another but we are in dire financial straits.

Dp says no until/if we(ever) have enough money, I am nearly 42 so don't hold out much hope and it breaks my heart

cazboldy · 15/08/2009 10:14

oh kitty surely one more wouldn't make that much difference?

kittywise · 16/08/2009 08:22

caz, that's what I think, dp looks at the bigger picture though. It wouldn't cost now, no, but I guess in a few years it would. Our outgoings with 6 are of course large and because of dp's job ( self employed investor) our income has actually pretty much gone.
So, not a good time to have another I suppose

babbi · 19/08/2009 18:16

Sorry about your situation ... even more that I cannot offer any advice or solutions ...
We have one DD who is 4 and I would love just one more but DH refuses point blank and it breaks my heart as I always imagined a big family but would settle for two. However he is adament that he will not change his mind. On my more emotional days I think I should leave and try to meet someone else (and I know how evil that sounds - I am not proud of that thought)..
But I love my DD too much to inflict a split home situation on her for my selfish reasons. So I just get on with things but would have to say that I dont think my marriage is nearly as happy as it should or could be as I do have a lot of resentment.
Maybe to avoid that kind of scenario you really could focus on getting through to your Dh just how much you feel about this ???
sorry i cannot be any help but good luck in any case xxxxxxx

diddl · 19/08/2009 19:14

BroodyLady
Does your husband work away a lot?

Why aren´t the children that you have enough for you?

LibraryLil · 23/09/2009 11:01

I wish I could help but I'm in the same boat. Our dd was born in June 2008 as a result of fertility treatment. We had two embryos implanted and she survived; the other didn't last beyond 8 weeks of the pregnancy.

We still have two more embryos frozen, and can only 'claim' them until March 2010, as that's the longest time he has agreed to keep them stored.

But he's saying NO. I have been trying to convince him ever since last September; I don't want our dd to be an only child, and it seems such a criminal waste that come next March her potential brother/sister will be thrown into a yellow bin and thrown into an incincerator with 'clinical waste'.

He now refuses to discuss it at all, only to say an adamant No whenever I try to talk about it. It's just eating me up inside. I'm not being selfish, I just don't want our dd blaming us (well, him) for denying her the chance of a companion, especially as we are older parents.

If they weren't there I wouldn't be asking our donor to donate again, but the fact is that they ARE there, waiting for the chance to become people, and he is denying them that chance and denying our dd the chance of having a sibling. He says that we're so lucky to have her that we shouldn't tempt Fate by trying again, and that she deserves all our attention and shouldn't have to share us with a brother or sister.

I went to the clinic last week on my own without telling him, hoping to just go ahead and do it, but they need his signature on the consent form first. I still haven't told him yet; I'm going to choose my moment and beg - again.

Yes it will be difficult for a while, but when the children are growing up together and more interactive, I know that he'll love another just as much as he has always loved dd.

Whatever I say I just can't seem to make him see just how much this means to me and could mean to dd.

westcountrymum13 · 28/09/2009 21:14

Reading all these makes me very jealous - I have one 5 yr old, her father walked out three years ago and no sign of any other nice man and am 36! Daughter says she would love a brother or sister but it might never happen. Still I'm grateful for her, some people can't have any.

mummybto3 · 14/10/2009 23:46

Hello BroodyLady,
This is the first time I have posted, but I had to reply to your message as it sounds just like my situation! I am 35, have a DD7, DS4 and DS2 and am so broody for baby no. 4. I kind of thought I would be, but hoped that maybe this time I would be content with 3, however, as you say the feelings are too strong to ignore. I too am a SAHM and do all of the childcare, housework, cooking etc and we can afford another, but my DH is 'tired of babies' and also has 2 from a previous relationship who he sees, worries about and supports financially. I think I probably am being selfish, but also I feel that it's great to be part of a big family and the kids get so much from their siblings..

Anyway, just thought I would write and see if you had made any progress / had got over your broodiness?

veryconfusedandupset · 15/10/2009 10:10

LibraryLil - I have a friend who had a similar dilema to you. He has a son who is 21 from his failed first marriage, an unsucessful second marriage and then married for a third time, his DW already having discovered in her first marriage that she was infertile.

Despite the fact that they were very hard up (don't know why didn't have NHS treatment) my friend borrowed the money for treatment and they stuck lucky first go with a little girl who is now 12.

After 5 years his wife really wanted another child but he did not and he refused to sign the consent forms for a second go. He thought it was OK to force the issue and bought her a dog instead ( yes, he is an insensitive twunt) Anyway their marriage has been very unhappy ever since then and they are really only together now because he could not bear for his daughter to have the problems his son from his first marriage had as a result of the split.

He just feels they are living in the same house and keeping things together for their DD, don't know her very well but she seems to do little except work nights, sleep and keep out of his way as much as possible.

I've no idea how you can resolve your problem. My DH only wanted one child but I managed to persuade him to have two and he agrees with me that life is much better with two. Do you have any friends who either are or have an only chiold who are unhappy with that and could speak to him?

I don't enjoy the closes of relationships with my brother but when my father was terminally ill and now that my mother is in her 80's I would not want to be alone. My DH has a schizophrenic mother and he would find it difficult to cope without the support of his brother in sorting out her affairs.

I'm sure there are lots of perfectly happy only children, but can't help but feel most of us would prefer to have a sibling.

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