Wish I could send this email

[frazzledgirl]

I wouldn't, of course - who wants to sound this needy? - but I'm really hurt at being so comprehensively ignored by my so-called best friend, someone who was closer than my own sister.

Dear X,

I've no idea if you'd actually decided not to answer my last mail (in reply to yours suggesting we meet for a drink, and I said I'd love to because we hadn't seen each other in a while and I'd missed you) or are still getting round to it, but in case you hadn't noticed, it was in FEBRUARY.

When you were living abroad, we emailed every working day.

And then you moved back, just before I had DS. You said that getting to see me and to know DS was one of the things you were most looking forward to.

He was two last week. You last saw him when he was eight months old.

You've always been sh*te at keeping up with lots of people, but made the effort with me. Now you've stopped, and I feel pathetic for admitting it, but it hurts. You're basically saying that I'm no longer worthy of your time.

Just in case you're thinking that we're OK, and you'll mail one day in the distant future and I'll shrug and said "Oh, it's just X, that's what she's like" - we're not and I won't.

Have a nice life,

Frazzled

Do realise this sounds dramatic, but we shared family crises, health crises, depression, everything. And now I'm not worth a f*cking email. It stings.

I do have friends and a life, BTW. I just really loved my friend. I miss her.

... swallow your pride and phone her then and tell her. I imagine she would be distraught if she knew how hurt you are feeling. Maybe she has had some awful tragedy happen or a crisis occur and she is wondering why you haven't been in touch. Have you sent several emails and had no reply or is it just the last one that she has 'ignored'? Maybe for some reason she didn't receive it ... Truly a precious friendship is worth a little humility - just put your hurt to one side, ring her and tell her you miss her. Good luck Frazzled.

Hi Frazzled,
This must be hard to deal with. I am just wondering whether there might be something going on in your friend's life, some change in circumstances that have brought this on. One that springs to mind (due to personal experience) is infertility. I adore my best friend, but did find it incredibly painful to be around her when she first had her DD. She knew about the infertility, and our friendship survived, but maybe your friend feels she can't mention it.
Just clutching at straws really. Hope you and your friend sort it out.

Basically, the pattern for the last year has been that she takes ages (months, sometimes) to reply to my mail. I get a few short lines saying how madly busy she's been but why don't we meet up soon?

I reply, say yes lovely, and give my news (carefully edited so as not to be baby bore). Sometimes I suggest a couple of dates/times.

She doesn't reply till times have passed. Meanwhile, travels a lot, has high-powered job and v active on Facebook. So no tragedies as far as I can see.

And she knows she's rubbish at keeping in contact with most people, it's been a standing joke for years. I'm just not laughing any more.

May tone down email and send. Thx for not telling me to stop navel-gazing...

X-posted with you, Zippy. She is very single and has always said she's not sure she wants kids, so know she isn't (wasn't, anyway) trying. But maybe she is secretly broody, I don't know.

Aww I'm really reading that; I know what it feels like to lose a good friend.

Glad to see I'm not the only on who drafts emails I'll never send! It's very therapautic isn't it?

Hi Frazzled, I feel very for you. It is so hurtful when friends do this. I think, if it was me, I would send the e-mail. It doesn't come across as self pitying or anything, just as something written from the heart of someone who is very hurt and sad at being treated this way by a so called friend. You never know, if she reads it, she may be spurred into action. And if not, well, at least you know that in her mind she has moved on and maybe knowing that will help you to do the same.

Definitely don't send the email. Frankly you have to accept that your friend's life has gone in a different direction to yours and she just doesn't have the time or space for you any more. Trying to hold on to someone who wants to move away from you is lousy for your mental health, whether it's a romantic partner who doesn't want to be in a couple-relationship any more, or 'just' a friend.

I think maybe you could tell her how much you have missed her and that so much has happened to you, as must have your friend. Why not invite her out on a specific date? Doing it on the phones means she can talk to you and check her diary at the same time.

I know how it feels when lifelong friendships come to an end but maybe just having a chat will give you either a fresh start together or the chance for closure.

SGB, I agree with you - this is really my attempt to just say something in closing and let it go. I truly don't want a friend who has to be guilt-tripped into keeping in touch!

Frazzled, so sorry to hear this. I know in my experience, dd1's Godmother was very active in her life and we were exceptionally close friends. However, when she met her now dh, when dd1 was a year old, she began to stop contact- she has literally fallen off the radar. She came to my wedding when dd2 was 5 months old, and that was the last time she saw the girls- dd2 is now 2 and her Goddaughter is 4.

I drove down to see her last summer, and half way throught the journey, she text me to say she wasn't feeling well so couldn't see us after all. I continued the journey and stayed with the girls in a B&B but felt very hurt.

I saw her in the Autumn, when my dh and I travelled down to her town for a birtday night out with a mutual friend. During the night she went on and on about how much she had missed me and dd1 (no mention of dd2, as she doesn't know her), but she did say children don't interest her now, as she and her dh are enjoying 'the good life'. I basically took that as the nail in the coffin.

It is so sad that you are going through this, and I understand that you don't want to guilt trip her into a friendship, but to be honest, the last phrases of your email would tell her that you no longer want her to be your friend anyway. If you would like to revive things, maybe send the email but amend the end and leave it open to her reply. I don't know, sometimes friendships just run their course Good luck.

Cupoftea, ouch, that's bad.

Thanks to you all, BTW. I do feel better for having written it down somewhere and had your replies.

I have a toned-down version of my message in drafts, and am going to sleep on it and decide whether to send it. Will let you all know what happens...