stepmother with "borderline personality disorder"

[victoriascrumptious]

Well I say BPD as that's what one CPN suggested, although that said I have no idea whether she has actually been diagnosed with something. All I know is that she's selfish,verbally abusive, unable to empathise, prone to severe paranoia, and used to get delusions before they started medicating her with stelazine and then risperidone.

So my stepmother has been relatively stable for the past 8yrs and doesn't fly off into rages like she used to. However, under it all she's still a nasty piece of work and i'm tired of making excuses for her.

For the past 6 months she's pressurising me to leave my dd (aged 12 months) with her and my father for a day as they want to babysit-alone, without me or dp there. While I am happy to let dd stay with the inlaws-there is NO WAY i'd trust my own parents with anyone elses kids let alone mine.

I have no idea how to tell them this. There will be drama galore, and it's not like I can just avoid them as she will start (literally) stalking and harassing me.

Anyone know any easy excuses?

Could you say that dd does not like being without you that she cries when you go out of the room and so you want to be near? Maybe suggest an outing all 3 of you could go on as its nice they want to spend the time with her??

I think my sister may have BPD but not sure..

My DD is going through a really "clingy" phase at the moment. Could you invent one for yours?

I can't leave my dd with anyone as she screams blue murder the entire time. It is horrible for her and for whoever is looking after her. Could you tell them your daughter has started doing the same thing?

You have my sympathy, there is no way I would leave my children for a moment alone with my parents. I have found it very difficult to say no to my mother, but with the help of my therapist I have managed to put boundaries between us by controlling how I communticate with her. I offer her a couple of hours with me, DH nad the DC at a specified place and time. She has thrownn all kinds of tantrums and emotional blackmail, trying to bypass me via my husband, just turning up etc. etc., but she is evetnually beginning to get the idea,as far as someone like her can.

It's very hard.x

The eggshells book is very good and will help.

All I can say as an ex-BPD sufferer is that BPD struggle with boundaries. If it's a 100% no to babysitting, don't bullshit and say "hmmmn maybe in the future". Just lay down the law, firmly but politely and do not allow room for discussion.

I had to deal with a BPD just last week about a sensitive situation - I did not enter in to any two-way dialogue about the situation - you cannot allow the "oh but I'll change" type stuff. You must be absolutely clear. That does not mean I ignored her, but simply that I was not prepared to entertain her "weedling".