Please help - not long married and its a disaster - or am i over-reacting?

[bubbles8987]

hi ladies, im having an awful time at the mo. Got very stressed during week as hubbie is working a lot with new job and i feel like i have to do everything. Anyway, GP signed me off for a few wks. Last nite hubbie was going out for few drinks with his pals. The last time he went out was December, (jus after i miscarried) he got so so drunk, left the pub hours before his mates and disappeared. He rang me at 3am to say he was in a really dodgy part of town. Obv i panicked and jumped in car and flew to collect him only to find that he wasnt there at all. I drove the streets for about an hr looking for him - couldnt find him and drove home to find him lying drunk on the footpath outside our door. He apologised the next day etc and to be honest he hasnt really been out since.
So last nite when he was going out I was obviously concerned about a repeat performance and kept on saying that he needed to act responsibility with bubs on the way. He swore to me he would. So...he left the house at 10pm, rang me at 11.30 to say where he was and then nothing. At 2am i tried his mobile but he had no signal, I rang from 2 to 3,40 without hearing a thing. Then he answered at 3,45 and mumbled that he was in the local village. I drove there and found him half unconscious on the pavement. I was so humiliated. Managed to get him in car and home.
BUT this morning when he woke up, I said to him that i thought it was ridicoulous to drink himself into that sort of state etc. He told me i needed to F* UP, all he did was get drunk with his mates. In my opinion thats not getting drunk thats taking it a step too far. I was so mad. I left the house about 3pm today without saying much more to him and just got home to an empty house. I rang his mobile 3 times and he isnt answering. i text him saying 'you need to ring, where are you' and he wrote back 'watching football, whats wrong'.

Surely its totally out of order for him to behave this way. Is it appropriate for him to get so so drunk and then tell me its harmless. I mean he cant even manage a simple nite out anymore, i cant rely on him to get himself home. I'm driving the streets in the early hrs of the morning looking for him! Im nearly 6 months pregnant!!! And then for him to behave this way today. Im so so angry but if i tell him im cross he says im out of order. Am I???? Please help, we have only been married a year and im starting to worry Ive made a huge mistake. I dont know where else to go for advice.

No,my advice would be the same if it were the wife out drinking.
I would ask why are you constantly ringing her when she's out with her friends?
Sounds a bit controlling to me.
And he has only been out twice this year

Don't mean to speak for the OP, but I don't think it's the frequency of him going out(or lack of) but his inability to handle his drink as he ends up unconscious and, presumably, abandoned by his mates. I can see why the OP finds that stressful.

Message withdrawn

op - I used to be like you. In fact, I've posted on here about it many times!

My husband used to disappear. go out "for a pint / for a drive / for milk.." and that'd be the last I'd see of him for that day and well into the next!

I used to phone him, ranting and raving, used to picture him with other women, called his brother, called my parents, etc, etc

He would accuse me of trying to control him, of being like my mother, of treating him like a child...and he'd turn his phone off. (proving my point I think! ) I'd be up all night, pressing redial! When he'd finally show up, after having 'slept in the car', I'd be screaming at him and he'd be telling me to stop trying to control him.

We nearly split up over it.

Then I thought bollocks to this. I stopped phoning him. I went to bed. In the morning he'd drag himself back home and I'd say "Hi, how was your night?" then I'd say why don't you go to bed for a bit. He'd collapse into bed, sleep all day and get up feeling guilty

Now he hardly ever goes out. When he does, he normally comes home. When he does decide to sleep in the car, he phones me. He phones me rather a lot actually. To the point where I am irritated by it!

He even phoned me once, mid vomit I was telling him to phone later but oh no, I had to hear the retching and splattering

Now I say things like "you've not been out for ages, why don't you go out tonight?" and he normally says that he'd rather stay at home.

He mentioned that he's not seen his mates for ages and I said why don't you go down for the weekend, so he will be doing that at some point, although he doesn't really seem that bothered. He wants to get the decorating done first!

When I was calling and stressing and yelling, he was turning his phone off and staying out all night. When I stopped caring and started getting on with my own thing, he stopped turning his phone off and started calling me from the pub to tell me where he was, and how much he loves me.

Something to think about!

Maybe not so much for you, since yours does this once in a blue moon, but certainly anyone who goes through it on weekly basis like I used to!!

Hi OP, sounds like you both have a lot on your plates at the moment. I don't think it's that uncommon in the early years of marriage to think you may have made a mistake - doesn't mean that you necessarily have though! Finding ways to resolve your disagreements is key ime.

I'm no expert in alcoholism, but I can spot a stressed lady when I see one. My suggestion would be that you think about what would help you to go to sleep the next time he is out for the night. Ideally these should be things that are within your control, rather than relying on DH doing something. So could you suggest he stays the night with one of his mates, and agree when DH will be in touch with you the next day?

But the more immediate issue seems to be that you're feeling unsupported by your DH on a day-to-day basis at home. Can you talk to him about this? What would you like to have happen?

Good luck.

I too would be furious if my DH was calling me on my night out - I have had some great nights out and wandered in at the crack of dawn.

He did call me once when he had drunk so much he was sick. I laughed at him, what a stupid bloody thing to do and then I went back to bed.

You can't control him, so you need to learn to not worry if he is in a ditch somewhere. It isn't worth the stress.