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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH thinks I 'deserve to be called names' (bit long)

15 replies

bumpers · 07/08/2009 07:57

DH and I are both working f/t and I have just started new job which involved massive change of environment and also shift work - which I am finding hard to adjust to. For the second time this week a silly row escalated into a full blown screaming match where he swears and calls me allsorts of names and tells me what a nightmare I am to live with/be around and that I am the cause of all his anger and bad moods and he wouldnt get cross if I was nicer, calmer, more supportive of him etc etc.

Whats really done my head in is that after his major screaming fit on sat night (was so hurt and upset I had to stop the car we were in to calm down) I decided to take the pressure of him this week (he has v stressful job) so have done all bills, cooking, cleaning etc. Last night he started critiscing how I had handling one of the bills we had so I got pissed off and it escalated into a row. Again. I told him that He jsut doesnt seem to realise that I am under pressure too and have lots to cope with aswell, his response to that was that i 'have an anger problem' and am a 'f*ing cow and I deserve to be called names. He then said he would only apologise for calling me names, 'depending on how I apologised to him'.

Am totally fed up and feel bullied, but he always blames me for his moods/temper. We have 1 DS who woke up last night during our screaming row :-( dont know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Tommy · 07/08/2009 08:01

Sorry to hear this but....errrr how old is he?
Does anyone "deserve to be called names"?
He is allowing your attitiude to dictate his behaviour which any pop psychologist would tell you means that he is the one with a problem.

But, you both obviously need to be able to talk about your issues in a calm way - preferably with someone else there - like a Relate counsellor

Tortington · 07/08/2009 08:06

what a prize cock

Original poster

bumpers · 07/08/2009 08:07

We are both early 30's and have been together for 9 years ish. Have tried suggesting Relate but doesnt think there is a problem, he think if I do things differently there will be no rows. I know no-one should be called names but he really doesnt seem to agree, thinks that if we are arguing then anything goes iyswim.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/08/2009 08:08

Abusive, nasty, and wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and apologies should not be conditional like that. If he accepts he was wrong he should apologise unreservedly for it. He obviously doesn't think he's wrong. Nobody is responsible for someone else's actions as well - it's not your fault he's an aggressive twat who can't handle stress. He's taking you for granted.

I don't have any great advice, but you don't deserve that.

piscesmoon · 07/08/2009 08:13

'that I am the cause of all his anger and bad moods and he wouldnt get cross if I was nicer, calmer, more supportive of him etc etc.

This is utterly childish-don't let him do it!
He is responsible for his own moods-do not let him even suggest that it is a problem outside himself. You don't need to shout-just quietly tell him that it is his problem and he needs to solve it-you are not responsible and are not going to be made responsible. Suggest an anger management course.

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/08/2009 08:17

If you are that bad why is he still there?

He is obvioulsy having difficulties incoping right now. Is this a new thing or have he been like this for a while?

MmeLindt · 07/08/2009 08:28

This is abusive, nasty behaviour.

Think about it, you were upset by him on Saturday so changed YOUR behaviour to please him, doing all the housework. It is him who needs to change, not you. Marriage is a partnership not a one way street.

No one deserves to be called names.

This is not good for your DS. He will grow up thinking that it is acceptable behaviour.

SoupDragon · 07/08/2009 08:31

I'm interested to know what your part of the full blown screaming match was

Original poster

bumpers · 07/08/2009 09:20

soupdragon - I was very upset about the names and being held responsible for his stress so am afraid to say that I did argue back and did shout about how I felt about what he was saying to me. i find it very hard to talk calmly when he is busy shouting at me.

OP posts:

Sunfleurs · 07/08/2009 09:37

Don't be "afraid to say" that you argued back. Good for you! Obviously it is not good for your ds but you do have to stick up for yourself.

So you wouldn't argue if you did things differently? I beg to differ, I don't think that anything would please this man. He sounds like a controlling, abusive bully. Has he always been like this?

With regard to his v stressful job, can I ask you if he screams abusively at the people that he works with, or perhaps his mates or family if they don't do things they way he likes them done? I bet he doesn't, I bet he saves it all for you. If he was really under this much stress he would be dishing it out to everyone.

This is a great book and really helped me to "see" what my exh was, gave it a name etc here.

daisymaybe · 07/08/2009 11:29

"There's no reason to yell at anyone ever, unless you are screaming 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT BUS!'"

from the chapter named "He's Just Not That Into You If He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak" from this book

... which is, incidentally, free with Glamour this month

HolyGuacamole · 07/08/2009 14:12

Jesus. Name calling, insults, screaming matches.....and all because of you.....if only you behaved better/differently etc etc.

He is a control freak.

If he doesn't like things about you, then he has the choice to leave or talk to you in a calm manner about it. But no, he throws into the mix that whilst you act the way you do, he will treat you like a piece of shit.

No way jose. It's not fair, it's not right and why should you be held to ransom by someone who obviously thinks that they way that he acts is perfectly fine. He has a skewed vision of himself and if he thinks that this is the best way to deal with his issues he is wrong. What is it that makes him so superior?

Take the upper hand. Every time he insults you, swears at you, calls you names - walk away, get out of the house and completely ignore him until such times as he realises that his little trick isn't working.

What a tosser.

GypsyMoth · 07/08/2009 14:25

you've been together how long??

this must be behaviour which you have seen before,surely? not just a one off is it?

HuwEdwards · 07/08/2009 14:29

He sounds like a bully.

HoneySocks · 07/08/2009 19:34

get this book - lundy bancroft, why does he do that? i had the same sort of thing of thing going on, read the book after posting here and it blew my mind!

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