DH is on the brink.

[mampam]

I think my DH is on the brink of a nervous breakdown. If he doesn't have one I might.

We have got a lot of problems at the moment. We are in deep financial sh*t. Just before Christmas last year my DH had his overtime at work cut. This was worth over £500 a month to us so Christmas was tough to get through and in the New Year Dh's work hours were cut again down to 24 per week. To top this off his bosses were taking advantage of him, not being nice to him and made his life hell. They wanted him to work full time but only wanted to put half of the hours through the books and pay him cash in hand for the rest but not at his hourly rate, at what he would be earning after he paid the tax and NI(IYSWIM??). DH said no. They then proceeded to take on 2 more members of staff, obviously paying them cash in hand. To say DH hit an all time low was an understatement.

DH handed his notice in in April and started working for himself. He had work lined up all summer and a friend of his had encouraged him to leave his employment as he had loads of work he could pass on to him also. At the beginning of June, one of the people DH had been expecting to work for all summer turned around and said they didn't have anything else and no work has materialised from the friend either. DH picks up jobs here and there but it's not enough to even cover our rent and council tax each month let alone our other bills. As you can imagine DH feels awful about this.

I have 2 DC's from a previous marriage and to say that I don't get on with ex and his wife is an understatement. I am exhausted from all the times I have tried to reason with them. Ex and his wife had an affair which was the reason for our split but I really don't care about any of that. All I want is what is best for my DC's which is for all of us to be on friendly terms but DH and wife make our lives hell. DC's have are currently on their hols with their dad, are due back on Sunday, so 2 and a half weeks in total. I have only spoken to them 3 times. Everytime I try to call them ex's mobile phone is mysteriously switched off so I have to wait until DC's are allowed to call me. So instead of enjoying these couple of weeks without DC's I have been upset and I try not to show it too much to DH because I know he worries about me and I don't want to put more stress onto him.(and I've noticed when I talk to him about any of this he is shaking like a leaf).

DH is from up north (we live down south) and he wants to move back. Financially we would be much better off if we did as we live in a very expensive part of the country. It is a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel but the only problem we can see would be DC's father. I know he can't legally stop us moving but he and his wife are very good at manipulating DC's especially DD and I can see they could scupper our plans if they wanted to. I think it would be best for all of us as we would get a fresh start and a chance to make something of ourselves and I think the distance between ex and I would be good. DC's would get to spend more quality time with him, every half term and school holiday.

DH and I were TTC but I feel like we're in a catch 22 situation really. We've no money so couldn't afford a baby but I feel like if I was pregnant it would give DH a sense of purpose again, maybe give him some extra incentive to get a new job or some new work?
We're both so stressed we probably won't be able to conceive anyway.

One good thing out of all of this is that our relationship is just as strong as ever. We're not arguing about any of it and have realised that above all else we have got each other.

I don't really know what kind of response I want from this thread. Maybe someone can pull something out of it all and give me a different perspective/thought as I have got so much going around in my head that I cannot focus on just one thing.

Thanks.

Would you move without them?

Of course you should never be bullied harrassed or hounded, under any circumstances. I'm sorry you feel like a social reject, that sounds terrible.

And I'm sorry you're so upset. Finances can add to an already difficult situation.

mampam if your dh doesn't play fair then put yourself first, you should not put yourself in the position of living in poverty because of his behaviour.

I was asking about the current arrangements to see how feasible it would be to move without it impacting on the existing contact because if you can counter that then he will have less grounds to stop you moving. Direct trains via London can work out quite cheap & fast if you book in advance although you may need to do the journey one way each time or something.

I'm sorry your ex dh is horrid to you, no one deserves that. I can only think he is jealous and insecure. I would stop trying to communicate so much with them and stick to emails, written evidence of bullying is harder to deny.

There's no way I would move without them. I'm not sure ex could take them anyway, he lives in a 2 bedroomed house and they have a baby of their own.

There is no way we can carry on living where we are, the way we are. If we can't move, the next option would be for DH to move back up north and come down to see us whenever he could.

I have my mum and dad, 2 brothers and my nan that live closeby although I'm not that close to my brothers. Ex has his mum, dad (who he doesn't speak to), 3 brothers (one of whom he doesn't talk to because he is friends with me and DH, 1 lives in London and the other 2 hours away) and a sister.

How far are you talking about moving away in miles and how long does it take on the train - are their good connections?

What are the current contact arrangements?

As you are renting at the moment they can't make you stay in that house because the landlord could give you notice. Can you look for a cheaper place to rent, are you on the council waiting list?

It's about 300 miles. Train connections are excellent, not sure how long it takes as we always drive, it's a long drive but not too not unpleasant.

We privately rent our house and unfortunately, in this area, it is extortionate(sp?) but it was the cheapest we could find but we don't have double glazing, the walls and loft aren't insulated and the heating isn't very efficient so it is quite cold even at this time of the year (cos of rubbish weather!). We have got the forms to go on the council waiting list but were told we would have to wait at least 6 years to get somewhere. I have also already contacted the Revenue and Customs about Tax Credits.

DC's go with their father every other weekend but it's not unlike him to cancel at a moments notice.
If we moved he would be able to have the DC's every half term and school holiday if he wants them and as I have family here we will always be popping down for weekends to see them and he will be more than welcome to come and see them whenever he likes.

Meant to add that where we want to move to up north houses to rent are a lot cheaper and we would be able to live somewhere a lot nicer than we do now.

It's 4 hours from London to Newcastle, train or drive.

Even understanding your difficult position Mampam (which clearly your Ex doesn't) I wouldn't allow my children to move 300miles away from me.

The courts will not take into account your financial hardship, Dhs mental anguish or the relationship breakdown between the adults.
They will act only in the best interests of the children.

Please bear in mind that when a child gets to 12 the courts will normally ask who they wish to live with so your children could make the decision for you.

What do the kids have to say about the situation?

I currently live in NW Surrey but am from Teesside and my best friend lives in Lancaster so I know the kind of distances you mean and the house price differences in renting & buying it's and I try not to think about it

If he has them every other weekend then it's certainly managable to continue that despite the difference so I can't see it as a reason for him to prevent you moving it may be worth getting some legal advice about it. I'd recommend getting a diesel car though btw!

It would be better if he would negotiate to every 3rd weekend and to coincide with longer weekends (inset days) and more school holidays for everyone sakes but he doesn't sound like he would do reasonable as he's rather cut of his nose to spite his face IYSWIM?

Seriously I'd start looking at moving asap because you're only delaying the inevitable.

From Teesside? Are you really Cargirl?
Not too many Northerners on MN I find

It's tons cheaper up here I agree, and we're a rather friendly bunch

It is all in the air at the moment so we haven't yet mentioned it to DC's. DH and I want to research into it more and gather all the information we need before asking the children what they think about a move so we can answer correctly any questions they might have.

I don't seem to be making myself clear, I am not trying to take DC's away from their father or trying to stop him from seeing them in anyway. I'm trying to figure out a way of living that is best for all of us in the long run. My DC's best interests are what concern me most and are at the forefront of any decisions that need to be made.

Yes I can see that I need some sort of Legal Advice for this situation, I think the solicitor used for my divorce offers some kind of free advice clinic.

4 hours 2 Newcastle? It's just under 2.5 Kings Cross to Darlington so surely 3 hours to Newcastle on the fast train?

We're going there for our hols this year, I've not been back for 9.5 years so I'm a bit nervous about it all and I'm not looking forward to the drive!

CarGirl I'm sure you'll be fine when you go back. We've got a holiday booked up north in September, DH really needs this holiday but I've got mixed emotions. Don't get me wrong we do need a holiday but we don't have any spending money (although it won't be too bad there are lots to do and see for free) but I just feel guilty that we are going on a holiday when we are in such a financial mess.

It just seems like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't!!

Aside from all this stuff with my ex, does anyone have any ideas as to how I can help my DH?

I know there is very little I can do to help our situation and I am looking for a new job too, full time as opposed to part time.

I'm just very worried about DH, I know he's not sleeping.

Will he talk to you about it all?

Presumably if he can get a job near his family he could temporarily live with one of them cheaply?

If he will sit down and talk through action plans together including him signing on, you looking full time, him living away etc Sometimes that helps by feeling more in control of the situation rather than everything spiralling out of control?

Okay... So sit down over a nice home cooked dinner have a cheap bottle of plonk and a large sheet of paper.

Brainstorm your choices....
North= cheaper house, Dh's family blah balh

South= more expense, dcs dad etc.

If your DCs live with you and DH then your home is a priority, it's very important for them to sustain a relationship with their father but not over the mental health of your DH. Surely keeping the home a happy one would matter to the court as this is in the best interests of the children.

See if you can persuade DH to go to the GP and discuss how he's feeling. Perhaps get him to go for a run/walk and release some endorphins. Make weekends a very special time, out and about it does wonders for the soul. If your DH needs to take control then maybe he could knock on doors or design a postcard/flyer advertising his business. IE gardeners posted one through my door and we got them to sort our front lawn.

Sustain a good relationship, not forfeiting their relationship for your DH, iyswim

Yes he will talk about it but he starts to shake when he does, its horrible.

I've tried talking about an action plan with him but he see's it as moving away, which yes, would solve our problems in the long run but he's not so keen on talking about what needs to be done right now. I keep saying that we need to get ourselves through the next couple of months, he's thinking about in the future if we move!

God knows how we'll manage at Christmas. I just wish there was someone who could say to us 'right you need to do this, this and this and when you've done that, you will get this, this and this out of it'.

Do you think DH needs to give up the 2 days a week he has got work and sign on???

DH has only got grandparents and an uncle up north and I don't think he would be able to stay with them. Hopefully his friends may know of someone who would want a lodger or may want one themselves.

He doesn't need to give up work, you should be able to claim housing benefit towards your rent and get more CTC right now.

You need to go to your housing dept now, that is the first step, you may well get council tax benefit too.

have you looked at the entitledto website?

I could probably get him to go out for a walk or a run more than I could persuade him to go to GP.

The problem is that I work in the evenings so he has all this time to sit and fester about things on his own.

We have created flyers and been all over posting them through doors. Some work has been picked up through this but not nearly enough to keep us going financially.

I phoned the CAB, do it as soon as they open to avoid the long wait. The have a debt/money crisis pack.

Yes I've been on the entitled to website that's what made me phone the tax credits.

I've phoned them and our most local branch doesn't deal with debts etc, I would need to make an appointment with the nearest one that does which is an hours drive away. Typical of where I live!!

Then phone mine.... they don't take address details until the end. I live in Bristol and I phoned the central branch. I didn't have to go in either.