What would you do, knowledge of an affair

[thepastismyself]

OK, have changed name for this and a few details just to be on the safe side.

Last night my DH told me he found out that his dad is having an affair. He said he found out 'ages ago', can't remember exactly when but guesses around a year, bit less maybe.

Apparently dh was suspicious because his dad was always fiddling with his phone, hiding it away etc (can't say I noticed this really) and he looked at his dads messages. He can't remember exactly what they said but he is sure that they couldn't be taken any other way. The OW is a friend of his dads, they have been friends for over 5 years, his mum knows her and she goes to the house as a 'friend' to see FIL and he meets her socially in a group (or so MIL and everyone else is lead to believe I suppose). MIL has told me about her, just calling her a friend of his, I never really thought anything about it tbh and I guess she hasn't either

Anyway after finding these messages, he has checked up a couple more times, latest being over the weekend when we were visiting. There are still messages there so its obviously still going on, not sure what prompted DH to tell me this time, but I guess he is getting sick of keeping it to himself. FIL doesn't know DH knows.

Now I know it kind of makes sense, I am not particularly shocked. It explains FILs behaviour sometimes and a few weird 'incidents' that have happened. One example is when MIL gave me a pair of knickers she had found down the back of their bed (we use their room when we stay so we have space for the DC's in with us). I told her they weren't mine, maybe they were dh's dsis'. She says deff not (SIL is still living at home) and we gave each other looks. MIl then said they must have been from when SIL had a party and a load of friends were over, as she was suspicious some of 'that kind of thing' had happened. I never thought anymore of it, but when DH told me it now makes sense

Basically DH and I now don't know what to do. DH says every time he speaks to FIL he feels angry, he really hates him for this and what he is doing, but is nervous of doing anything. I can understand because I guess he holds the key to breaking up his family. I have told him its not him who has caused this but FIL being a arsehole, but its still on his shoulders whether or not it gets out and he is torn. Would they all be happier just not knowing? I am not so sure, MIL isn't exactly happy with their relationship I know.

I just feel so sorry for MIL, he often treats her badly, little respect etc etc, I wouldn't stand for it personally but I always keep schtum about my opinion as its not really my place to say anything. Now I know this though I just want her to leave him, I hate that she washes his pants and cooks his tea every day while he swans about with the OW she just thinks is a friend. They have been together since Uni way back when though, and tbh I even if she knows I have a feeling she wouldn't leave him. Then there will be loads of tension where she knows we know that she knows etc etc. Its so complicated and sad for everyone

There is always the possibility that she already knows I guess, if even DH was suspicious surely she would be too? But the OW comes into the house and acts like a friend and MIL talks and jokes with her, no tension (from MIL anyway). I met her in PIL house and thought she seemed edgey, I just figured that was her, now obviously makes sense. MIL was her normal self though and I guess she wouldn't be if she knew.

So I don't know what to advise DH to do and thought I would get the MN opinion. Does he confront FIL? FIL will undoubtedly deny and poss they destroy evidence before MIL finds out. Go straight to MIL and tell her to check phone herself? Or not say anything and keep it to ourselves forever? DH is going mad with this info eating him up for ages now, I have a feeling him telling me makes it all 'real' for him and he might be ready to let it out in the open.

DH is terrified of destroying his family and 'ruining everything' we all have. Any words of wisdom for him? If this were my family I think I would tell my mum, but she is very different to MIL and so is the family dynamic so its really hard to compare. Sorry this is so long! Would really appreciate some insight.

i think its not your business

Thank for all the replies, its been useful reading.

All those who say to forget it, would it be the same if this was your family? I mean if you knew your dad was cheating on your mum could you just leave it? I keep thinking of it as if I was MIL, if my son knew his dad was cheating on me, what would I want to happen. This is where I am torn as tbh I would want to know, so I could kick him out and so my son wasn't in the position DH is in.

I think whatever happens I will be left out of it, I don't want FIL or MIL to know that I know, I want to support DH and not get mixed up in it with them. Of course if MIL told me I would support her too- if it comes to that, that is.

It doesn't help that my parents split later on in life and are both now extremely happy with new spouses and new lives, so I know you can start afresh despite being the wrong side of 50. Part of me thinks DH should give MIL the chance of this, but then I know, as does he, that its her choice and not ours to make.

FIL often gives DH his phone by the way, so DH can update/fix it (its a fancy all singing and dancing phone) so its not as if DH nicked it specifically to check iyswim. It wouldn't be hard for him to say while I was doing x I found these messages. I don't know how he could be so stupid to leave messages on there! Its almost like he is so bloody arrogant that he can get away with it or he wants someone to find out...

DH is still unsure what he wants to do, will show him the thread and we can go from there hopefully. Thanks again for all your opinions.

yes, I would keep out of it if it was my family.

It depends entirely on how close they are as a family and what dh feels his mother would expect of him, seeing as she is the one being wronged here.

Unfortunately I have similar experience. My father started a relationship with my mother's friend (who was also our former babysitter and up until then, a lesbian, just to complicate the story!). He confessed to my mother eventually and tried to work things out but my sister and I accidentally found he had a facebook page where he was publicly flirting with the OW, the sily bugger. I did two things - I talked him through how to make the page private because if he was going to do such stuff then he could at least stop everyone we knew seeing it and feeling sorry for my dm. And I let my mother know. My loyalty went both ways and I still feel these were the right things to do, despite how sh*t I felt telling my dm.

If your dh feels that what your fil is doing goes against his family's moral code then it would be worth tackling it imo. It'll be very tough but better than not doing it and then regretting it.

Well, if your DH has an 'excuse' for having seen inside the phone then that takes away much of the burden. I DO think he should mention it (as I said).

My H had an affair, and if I had known that anyone close to me had known about it and kept quiet about it I would NEVER have spoken to them again. And I mean that. What a betrayal.