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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another sex thread... struggle to orgasm? how do you over'come'?!

25 replies

FilmNoir · 05/08/2009 19:58

have a wonderful dh
can orgasm easily on my own, but have a mental block when it comes to orgasming in front of him, cannot relax.. or let it all go.

I enjoy sex, get turned on etc, but panic when he tries to get me to come as I think I will let him down by not coming...

tips and hints please!

-- just doing this is a bit step for me.

Thankyou x

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 05/08/2009 20:00

sits back and watches - whilst eating poptarts

stitchtime · 05/08/2009 20:06

okie, assuming you are not a troll... just relax. once youve done that. it all flows naturally. and, its perfectly possible tohave satisfying sex, without orgasm.

Original poster

FilmNoir · 05/08/2009 20:07

so poptarts are the key eh!

OP posts:

Original poster

FilmNoir · 05/08/2009 20:08

yes, sex is satisfying...as satisfying as it can be without the O?

Im not a troll

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/08/2009 20:22

Have you tried DIYing with him there? No pressure, just do what you normally do and don't have him involved, just present. Once you've done it once in front of him it might get easier. Do you talk to him about your anxiety?

haventsleptforayear · 05/08/2009 20:25

[watching too] (not in a pervy voyeuristic way!)

Have bought a few books on this with extensive self-help programmes - but er... I haven't got the time to do the "exercises".

Can give you names if you want?

haventsleptforayear · 05/08/2009 20:26

at just relax - oh hadn't thought of that !

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 05/08/2009 20:34

Is the problem that you don't want to come in front of him, or that you get stressed when he tries to 'make' you come?
If it's the matter, just do it yourself - the end result's the same!

twoclimbingboys · 05/08/2009 21:51

in the dark and get drunk (but not vomity)!

haventsleptforayear · 06/08/2009 20:23

Is this just a post and run?

clairebearx · 08/08/2009 03:44

Are you worried about 'losing control' for a specific reason?

Is he 'hitting the right buttons' so to speak?

It does seem a complex psychological issue as much as a physical one..i sometimes feel that i'm taking too long..and that DP is getting bored and anxious- which to be fair he probably is (it does take a while without the aid of buzzy toys for me lol)

If i start to play with myself, he tends to take over pretty quickly..infuriating...better communication and deeper understanding of our own thought processes (maybes a diary) might help you and i both....sigh ramble over

DeathbyDora · 08/08/2009 06:23

My DH actually suggested introducing some "buzzy toys" and once I got over my embarrassment it was a revelation. And there was I thinking he was all straight-laced and a bit prudish....

Now, if I could just get him to piss off and make me a nice cup of tea while I have some fun with them that would be great...

nickelbabe · 08/08/2009 12:14

FilmNoir.
i have the exact same problem.
was hoping it was just my previous man, but it's crept over into this one.

except i did explain to him that it might happen and he's very lovely about it.
i'm waiting for a solution.
and trying not to get worried about it.

(kat2907 that has got to be the worst suggestion ever! can't let go when he's doing it to you, so do it yourself while he's watching?? (sorry, i know you were trying to help, but the thought of it makes me freeze!))

BitOfFun · 08/08/2009 12:38

I think sex therapists/advice columnists advise the masturbation thing when somebody's partner is having trouble navigating IYSWIM, but this sounds different to me...more like a crippling self-consciousness which would not be helped by the pressure of putting on a mini-sex show, I agree, nickelbabe.

I think you have to look a little deeper for psychological explanations, OP, like what attitudes to sex were communicated to you while growing up etc. Were you brought up to see it as shameful or embarrassing?

I would recommend reading some feminist books on the importance of sexual fantasy, like Nancy Friday's ones. When you get used to allowing fantasy into your imagination you can lose yourself a bit more easily in an imagined scenario, and this can be enough to take you out of your self-consciousness so you can orgasm.

Also, increase the intimacy and closeness with your partner so you can feel more relaxed in front of them. I would recommend a boardgame like Monogamy, which has lots of fun chatty topics in and gets you talking and sharing. It gets progressively ruder, but the game doesn't suffer if you just skip the more outladish stuff if you are cringing! (tip: add wine for maximum results).

Hopefully these tips will help, they have made a difference to me over the issue

clairebearx · 08/08/2009 16:34

I like the idea of the boardgame-monogamy..and as for using sex toys in the bedroom, i guess opinions are bound to be varied and depend on individual experiences and thoughts on sex. I personally can't climax easily through even masturbating, which is why i feel the necessity to 'get over'any embarrassment i have with 'putting on a mini sex show' for my partner..

I just feel that any amount of relaxation isn't going to help alone.

BitOfFun · 08/08/2009 17:43

I will return to this after wine I think

ellagrace · 08/08/2009 21:36

hmm ok - doesn't have to be a sex show or any 'watching' going on. for example if you (how specific are we meant to get here?) if for example your partner and you were having sex spooning with him behind you, you could then help yourself along without it being at all 'sex-show'-ish. it could just be a way of getting past some psychological hurdle and having come once it might feel easier after that. once it's become an obstacle of i'm never going to be able to, i can't, it's really hard, anything that helps to start breaking that down is worth a go. another thing is laying side by side and kissing and cuddling and he is stimulating himself and you yourself to whatever point you feel comfortable. i think assuming she meant sit on a chair and put on a show might have missing what she meant.

ellagrace · 09/08/2009 08:09

guess it was a post and run - that or i killed the thread by being explicit

Celery · 09/08/2009 08:37

Maybe she was put off by being accused of being a troll. I think she was asking a perfectly legitimate question, why would anyone think she was a troll?

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 09/08/2009 08:40

Where was the T word mentioned?

Original poster

FilmNoir · 11/08/2009 14:23

yes Im not a troll!

intersting advice here already.

we do talk about it,he is supportive but its like there is a block in my head -struggling to even put it into words really!

it is thought provoking to think what my parents were like-re sex, they were pretty prudish, but thats just their generation, I think?

Im relieved not to be the only one IYSWIM!

OP posts:

Original poster

FilmNoir · 11/08/2009 14:27

nickelbabe

| hear ya.

OP posts:

Original poster

FilmNoir · 11/08/2009 14:30

a board game, hmm? will research!

OP posts:

FlightHattendant · 11/08/2009 14:50

I was like this and almost in despair of ever enjoying it in that way - not that I really minded, and actually now that I can, I don't care - but I wanted to be able to, just to get past the mental block iyswim.

I'm not sure exactly what happened that changed it, but once it happens once, it kind of sticks!

I couldn't at all with the bloke I really loved, but a subsequent boyfriend with whom there was a proper commitment (ie he wasn't fooling me around) made it easier for some reason. Maybe I felt more empowered, more free to give that part of me over to someone, when I didn't really care what they thought of me? I didn't feel nearly as strongly about him as I did about the other one, and suddenly it just happened.

Now I don't think it would stop happening, if I met someone I really loved and wanted to think well of me. But it took that bit of confidence, that bit of 'Oh well who cares if he thinks I look stupid, I don't like him that much anyway' I suppose - though I'd not have realised this at the time. It goes very deep doesn't it - maybe something stopping you that you're not even aware of.

Also going on top worked for me. It gets your muscles in the right position.

Fizzylemonade · 11/08/2009 14:51

It is great that you can orgasm by yourself so you are half way there. I think ellagrace had some very good advice with masturbating but not being seen, ie no sex show and your dh not actually being involved.

I think you need to replicate what you do when you masturbate and just have your dh there. So if you have a certain position you do it in that position. It just starts by being able to orgasm in front of him, and then you can move on from there.

The side by side bit is a good suggestion, you could be completely covered if you need to be and you could turn your head so that your face is hidden.

Maybe a vibrator is the answer, I am not talking about getting a dildo but maybe a bullet vibrator to use externally (don't know how explicit I can be) for stimulation.

Communication is key and you seem to have that. Good luck. I would love to have a success story posted in a few weeks

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