Am I being paranoid and unreasonable?

[hiddenidentity]

I have been with my DP for almost 2 years now. Love him very much and have been very happy with him. I have had two previous relationships that have been very bad due to both abusing me physically, emotionally and mentally. I was cheated on, made to feel jealous and ugly and insecure. I was used to make other girls jealous. My self confidence was dragged down, I thought very little of myself, and found it very difficult to trust people. I have had counselling for two years now to help me with my insecurities and learn to express my emotions and feelings.

So when I met DP, it took me a while to trust him and it was about half a year after he expressed an interest in me before we got together and that I felt ready for that. He understands my past and my insecurities.

The only problem I have is that he still speaks to his ex. I haven't met her, but they are still very close. I firstly find it weird as obviously with my ex partners it's all ended badly and everyone I know has never ended on good terms with an ex, so I have no experience of that.

I get jealous when I know he's talking to her, though he has described their relationship like my relationship with my best friend, who is a guy. I know the jealousy is because of my past experiences, so I have been trying to deal with it and get over it. But for starters I don't know how.

But second of all, there are certain things that make me paranoid. Like when DP is on MSN, he closes the window down when I walk into the room. He deletes all his messages on his phone before he comes home. His passwords are her old password and her email address. Stuff like this makes me feel paranoid as it's like suspicious behavior, as if he's trying to stop me from seeing something. I mentioned it to him once casually and he said he didn't know why he did that.

I did see one MSN convo he had with her, which really upset me. He was saying things to her that he thought she was a pretty girl, which obviously he does cos they were together before, and that he wanted her to go on web cam so he could see her. It really upset me, and I blame my stupid self for snooping in some ways.

I suppose what I'm wanting out of this thread (whether I get it or not is another matter!) is some way or advice of how I can get over my jealousy and paranoia. And to be told I'm acting really stupid and paranoid over nothing.

Tired, I've been keeping myself busy, well at least DD has, so I've been keeping my mind off it. Think tonight might be bad again, really hoping not though as I'm kind of anticipating it, it'll probably turn out that way!

But I agree. I've been thinking about it, and thinking it might just be flirting, and a friend pointed out I'm his first serious proper relationship, so maybe for some reason (or maybe just me making myself feel better!) he thinks it's okay to act like that. I dunno. But I know I'll feel so much better once saying it, I'm just hoping I can keep myself in control of my emotions. I've written what I would like to say, making sure I've got it all down, and then going over it and making sure I only say what actually needs to be said and what's going to avoid turning it into an accusation or arguement.

Just wish it was this time tomorrow!

Hidden, I'm sure there's a lot of truth in what your friend said. If he doesn't have any frame of reference, he might not properly understand why you find this so upsetting. You need to draw the boundaries for him now, and he needs to understand that to maintain this relationship he needs to respect your feelings. If he doesn't, you need to give him a push on his way back to his ex. Please try and get some rest tonight, hope you manage some sleep.

I wish I could take my own advice sometimes!!

Lol it's always the way, easier to give the advice then take it!

But thank you tired, I much appreciate it, and hopefully once talking about it, it will be fine. We've never really talked boundaries, except for the obviously, like kissing someone else etc and what the consequences would be. I think it's just cos I'm stuck in limbo at the moment that I feel worse, but will try my best to sleep tonight.

Looks like I'm going to have another crappy night

For starters, I began feeling really crap and guilty, when I spoke to DP earlier, as he said he's been having a crap week at work and can't wait to come home and see me and just relax. He also asked me if I think we'll be happy in the future.

Then, when I finished speaking to him, he said he would text me in a bit. I waited, and didn't get anything which annoyed me. Yes that sounds really petty, but with my DP, when he says he'll do something, he always lets me down and doesn't follow through. I try to let this slide as when I mention it, he says he feels like shit, and ends up becoming grumpy and feels sorry for himself, which I hate dealing with, so I try and avoid it (though I'm sure that's not the best course of action).

So I texted him saying that I was waiting for him but guessed he was too busy. He then did the whole, he feels shit about himself thing. And now I feel like shit for making him feel like that, especially when tomorrow is when I'm suppose to be discussing how his behaviour has been making me feel, which will only make him feel like shit too.

Why do I do this? What is it about me that causes problems when things could just be so normal and less dramatic?

Just take the heat out of it and keep it factual, ie, "It upsets me when you'll say you'll text and then don't" - don't let him gaslight you into feeling it's your fault for pressuring him.

Thank you for that bitoffun! Haven't heard of that before, but read the first three examples, and the first and the third I can definetly relate to. And that list of 20 things at the end, I felt I could relate to 13 of them, not just DP, but with family, or have done in the past. So thank you, it's quite an eyeopener. I was about to apologise to DP for saying that I was annoyed with him for that, but I didn't after reading that.

DP leaves work in half an hour, and should be home by 6. I'm getting very nervous now, but hoping I'll calm down when I see him. I can't talk to him til DD's in bed anywho!

I'm planning on saying that I came across the conversation between him and his ex and it raised some concerns in me. I probably won't show him it unless he really wants to see it. The parts I want to discuss are now engraved in my brain anyway.

I will try to discuss as calmly as I can that I feel it is inappropriate to speak to someone else like this, because it makes me feel horrible (trying to find a different word for that other than worthless or second best) but I think it is because he hasn't had a serious relationship before that he may not be fully aware of what is limited now. I do think it may be a question of maturity too, as DP isn't DD's father and really has no responsibilities as such, so may still have the mentalitiy of a teen/young adult sometimes, if that makes sense.

I will apologise for looking at the conversation as I do feel I shouldn't have. But if I hadn't have, then this could have carried on a lot longer, and who knows where it could have lead.

I will mention the hiding of msn and deleting of texts as well, and say it appears as suspicious nature, and with the contents of their conversations, it is enough to make any one worry. I will ask him to see it from my pov.

I don't know whether to say the past few nights I've been worrying about if he's been talking to, as that will border line it as I'm not trusting him. Or if he says that he'll speak to her less, that I'll still be worried he's talking to her during the week. I know this will be up to me to trust him, but urgh at the moment, I still feel really gah (the only word I can think of) about it.

I don't even know what I want him to say. If he said he'd stop talking to her, I'd feel rotten for breaking their friendship. If he says he'll talk to her less, I'll be worrying unless he can prove that he will stop talking, or I can grow up and trust him and take his word. Dunno what to do

You don't have to trust him though- he isn't behaving in a way which would engender trust, is he? The only thing you need to trust here is your instincts and your sense of self-preservation.

That's true. Got overwhelmed. Well he's home now, and I've calmed down a bit, though I still have that ball of nerves in the pit of my stomach til I get this over and done with. Thanks for your help.

Good luck!

Thinking of you, let us know how you get on.

Hi guys. Thank you.

Well after I put DD to bed, I talked to DP. It wasn't going to wait until I made sure DD was completely asleep. He got worried about the way I was acting, as my emotions began taking over, which I really didn't want.

First thing I asked, for my own state of mind, was whether he still had any feelings for his ex. He swore on my life, DD's life (which I hate him doing) that he doesn't. They're just friends.

So I then said I saw the conversation, and the contents really upset me. I told him what it had said. He said it was just him being friendly. I said that it made me feel worthless and that I'm not as good enough for him as she was. I said to him that it is inappropriate for him to be asking other girls to go on camera and that he shouldn't be calling other girls pretty even if he thinks it. I said it may be innocent in his mind, but it doesn't appear that way outside. It looks an awful lot like flirting, but he still said he was just friendly to her.

He then said that she's a close friend, and he asks her to go on camera as she lives far away so he never sees her and sometimes he just wants to be able to speak to her face to face. That made me feel a bit crap as I can understand where he was coming from.

He started getting angry. I think he thought I was accussing him of cheating on me or something. I told him I wasn't. So I stopped talking, and asked him to see it from my point of view. He went very quiet and I did my best to not break the silence. After a while, he began to cry which really threw me. He then hugged me tightly, like holding me so tight I couldn't breathe. He said he just put himself in my shoes, and could see what it sounded like and what it could have meant. He said that if I had done that with another guy, he would have been furious. He said he had been acting stupid and started calling himself names. I didn't really respond to that. Just allowed him to think things through.

I said to him I had two theories over it. 1) He still had feelings for her. He denied this again, but I do trust him on that. Or 2) because I'm his first serious relationship and that he does act immature sometimes (I worded this a lot better than I am now). I said how we're different in ways as he doesn't have as much responsibility as I do, so he's still very much carefree and may not have grown enough to realise that acting like that is wrong.

I said to him that I just wanted him to be aware of it, because even though he just thinks it's being friendly, she may see it as something else. I brought up how she has been asking for him to see her, but he said if he did, he wouldn't go without me.

I compared their relationship to mine and my male friend. I said that I'm open and honest because I don't think there's anything to hide. I said it's obviously hard as I can't get to know her to feel less threatened I guess, but I don't think I want to, I just want to be able to not worry I suppose over how he's behaving, iyswim. I told him I wanted to be open and honest with me. I brought up the closing of MSN etc, and he said he did that if it was her because he was afraid that my jealousy would go nuts. I kind of guessed that but better to hear it from him.

He thought things over a little bit more. And then he said he thinks he's damaged some of the trust I had in him. And that he doesn't like that. I wanted to argue this, but tbh I think he is right. Let's face it, with my behaviour the past few days, it has to be damagd in some ways. He said if I trusted him completely, I wouldn't have opened the conversation in the first place. Again I didn't say anything because he was right. He then got upset again saying that he thinks he's losing me now, and that he doesn't deserve me because I'm too forgiving and nice to him.

I said to him that I trusted him enough to believe that he was just doing it innocently, and if I thought that there was enough chance he was doing something he shouldn't, I would have walked to avoid both me and DD getting hurt. I've had enough hurt in my past relationships.

I also addressed my jealousy with her. I said I felt threatened that they were still very close, and that he was the first person she turned to for her. I said I find it weird as I obviously don't have any exs I get on with. I said that because they're still close, I feel like maybe she'll swoop in and try and take him away again, because I don't know her, I don't know what she's really like, so I'm going to feel threatened by the unknown. In fact my friend's wife felt very threatened by me, but I went out of my way to make it clear to her that we were just friends, and now I'm friends with her.

I told him I can only take his word and trust it that he won't react inappropriately. And I said that I don't want him to let me down. He promised me he wouldn't. I pointed out he is the type to say something and not think it over first. This has gotten him into trouble a few times with friends actually. I just said I wanted him to be more aware of what he's saying, which he said he would be now.

I think that's about it. I'm going to not look at anything private of his now. I want to be able to trust him and have faith in him, which obviously from this, like he said, it has lessened.

But sorry for the very long post, but thank you for being here for me. I think it would have gotten more out of control, and I would not have gotten my thoughts clear if I hadn't been able to talk them through. So many thanks. Just hope we can work this out to be happy.

"that he was the first person she turned to for help" that should say.

I think it's inappropriate for him to maintain a close relationship with an ex when he is in a new relationship with you. Your insecurities have no bearing on it. He should cool his friendship with this woman. It's not on.

I did consider whether to say that I wanted him to speak to her less or not at all, but then I feel like I don't have any right to do that, as much as I would love to say "I don't want you talking to her!" I'm not comfortable with it, but I guess it's down to DP to make me feel comfortable.

I think I need to talk to DP again today though, just to make sure he is still aware of what I want him to do, as in keep being honest and open, and less of the behaviour though that I need to trust his word on.

Plus he is a typical man, so I think I need to make sure it's spelt out for him properly as well, as he doesn't always know how to be sensitive and comforting etc. I was hoping I would feel better by now, but I'm still not overly confident, though I guess that may be because it's up to him now. sigh

Yesterday I was still very uncomfortable all day. I noticed DP was trying to be very affectionate as well. In the evening, he had to reset his password for Paypal as he had forgotten it, and made a point of making it something that wasn't to do with her, as all his passwords are her email address or her old password.

I asked him how he thought he had to make things better and more comfortable for me. He said that he has to be more aware of what he's saying, and that he can't talk to her like that because he would be furious if it was the other way round. He said he's always talked to her like that, before they were even together which obviously was flirting, but as he was use to being that way with her, he just carried on.

I asked him what he would have said or done if I had told him I didn't want him talking to her (I would never tell him that because I don't think it's my place however uncomfortable I felt). He said he didn't know, but would think it was very unfair to ask that of him. I assured him I wouldn't ask him that of her.

After this, he got a text message. His phone was on vibrate and I could just about hear it when it went off as the tv was on quite loud. He chose to ignore it. After about 10 minutes, I said I thought I heard his phone vibrate. He acted like he hadn't heard it, but I know when he's lying to me. He read it and didn't say anything. As it was late, I could only imagine it was her. I had asked him to be more open and honest with me about her, and I was hoping he would say "that was ex" but he didn't. I mean I could be wrong and it could be someone else, but it was very late, and noone else really texts him at that time. I now feel really insecure and not sure what to do. Whether to mention it and say that I want him to be open and honest like I told him, not necessarily everytime she contacts him, particularly when he's not here. But when he's here, and he knows right now I'm not at all comfortable with it, I wish he was more open. I don't know what to think.

i'm sorry,but after reading all that,it really does seem like he needs this woman in his life.

he wants you,but he needs her.

to be honest,if it were me,then i'd be wondering if this could actually be an emotional affair,as he keeps going back for something. and its daily contact. worrying!!

Oh no, so it doesn't seem as if the chat has brought you any closure. It doesn't sound as if telling him you don't want him to be friends will make any difference, and might just force him underground with it all, so if you want to carry on the relationship, do you think meeting her would maybe help? Would that maybe show her that you and he are together?

This worked back when I met H years ago. He had had a female friend who he'd slept with a couple of times and clearly wanted a proper relationship with him. They'd never officially been together as a couple but she used to go as his date on family things so her expectations were raised. I never told H he should stop contact with her, but once she actually met me and saw us together as a couple, she clearly became uncomfortable with it all, and eventually just stopped contacting H anyway.

Is your DP quite young Hidden? He does sound a little emotionally immature tbh. It might be that this just isn't the right time for the two of you to be together, hard though I know this is.

ILoveTiffany, I am worried about that. That he needs her. I thought about it if it was the other way around, and I'd like to think that if my DP felt better for it, I would stop contact with the ex. But that's me.

Tiredoftherain, no it hasn't made any difference. He is 23, I'm 25 so he is still young and yes like you say emotionally immature. Like if we have a serious conversation, he has to break the atmosphere with a joke or something.

We talked again earlier. I said I felt uncomfortable with what happened with the text last night. He admitted it was her, she had wanted him to call her. This shocked me as I didn't think they spoke properly on the phone, just text and msn, as only a couple of weeks ago I asked him this and he said he hadn't called her. So I asked if he's been ringing her since then, and he said he rang her for 10 minutes last week. This felt like another blow. Really upset me.

I said about the text and how I knew it was her, and had wanted him to be honest, rather than ignoring the text when it went off, and he had turned his phone off again in case she texted again.

He got angry again as I said I want him to be honest and he said he's not going to read out every text message they send each other. I said I didn't want that, tbh I don't know what I want now.

He said he was angry with me and frustrated with the situation. He admitted he was out of line for saying stuff like that, but said he feels guilty when he hasn't even done anything wrong. He said it's not like he's cheated on me.

He said he feels like he should tell her to stop texting etc when he's here at weekends. That's not going to solve the problem at all.

I asked if he wanted to have a break. He said no.

Thinking about it, I know I need to learn to trust him and have faith in him, and believe that he will stop the flirty talk and stuff. But it does feel much more than that, that like you said Ilovetiffany, he needs her. That's what makes me feel threatened and jealous.

Him stop talking to her is out of the question. Him hiding it is more than likely. So now I've gotta think whether 1) I can trust him enough to not let it bother me so much that we'll end up back to how we first were when he didn't hide anything and I was just jealous but not wanting the friendship to stop, 2) whether now that he knows how I feel about all this, he'll tell her and that'll bring them closer because I sound like a raving loony, 3) whether he actually sees things from my pov, because obviously our last talk, he doesn't.

I feel really upset and lost, and not sure what to do, and very concerned over our future now

If he is with you, and obviously wants to be or he would have left by now, why does it actually matter that he is still in contact with her and that they are still close? I never quite understand the reason why we are always so posessive over our partners, all it does is cause us pain and upset without actually solving anything.

I hope you manage to get over your paranoid feelings OP.

Me too overmydeadbody. I know that part of me is being irrational and overreacting, and this could have just ended quickly after our first chat. I suppose my previous relationships don't help with my feelings and behaviour either. I just feel all over the place and don't think I even know what I'm doing or thinking at the moment. Won't be seeing DP til Friday now, so I have a few days to try and get my head straight.

It's so hard though isn't it, even when you know you are over-reacting and wasting far too much energy thinking about it, you cannot switch your mind to more positive thoughts and they eat away at you.

Try focusing on the fact that he is with you, out of choice, so he obviously likes being with you, regardless of his feelings for her.

Thanks, I will. You are right there. If anything, I do trust that he loves me and DD very much and wouldn't hurt either of us intentionally.