Help me gain some perspective

[normalserviceresumes]

I need some help and can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

My husband and I have been going through a tough patch. I am quite depressed at the moment, very teary and I don't know why, lack of motivation, explosive temper, very controlling about my environment etc. During these down times I have thoughts where I think I'd be better off not being here, and an urge to cut myself. These bad days are interspersed about equally with good days where I am okay, and manage to stay on top of how I feel. During the bad days I sometimes say really horrible things, like I don't want to be married, and want to live alone etc. On the good days when I am rational, I stress to my husband that I really, really don't mean those things and I love him and my family very much and would be devestated to lose them and never actually want to be on my own. I ask him to please not take any notice of me. To be fair to him he is so supportive and tries to do anything he can to help.

This year has been quite tough for us for reasons that wouldn't allow me to remain anonymous if I said them here.

Today was a bad day. I have been very down, and teary. My husband went out this afternoon and I went on his computer and discovered that he had set up a secret email address and subscribed to three seperate, expensive, adult dating sites. He has been honest on his profiles and said he is a 47 year old man with children, married, and looking for discreet fun.

I confronted him and basically he has said he was lonely, and bored and just did it for a bit of excitement. He said I have changed (I admit I have) and that he was an idiot but he is very sorry, he never met anyone IRL, and had no intentions of doing so.

I have made him leave. I always told him that if our marriage didn't have trust, we have nothing. I know I will never forgive him. He doesn't think he has done anything too bad, but to me it's as bad as having an affair. He says it's nothing more than harmless flirting and that it just became a bit of an obsession and he regrets it and loves me.

What do I do? I never, ever thought he would do something like this. Am I blowing it all out of proportion? I feel like it is my fault to be honest. I have been neglecting him, and have been mean at times, and not as affectinate as he would like.

Don't often post on this board but feel compelled to. If your GP is away, there must be someone else you can see ..a locum or different practice doctor. You need to see someone today. I bet you wouldn't take no for an answer if it was one of your DCs who were ill. You are ill and you need help today. Ring back now ..please.

I agree with chocaholic73 - Ring and make an emergency appointment with a doctor TODAY - even if it can't be with your own GP. It's vital that you see someone today.

Yes, see a doctor today, there will be holiday cover provided by your GP's surgery.
You are ill and need help, and when you are better you will (hopefully) be able to forgive your H because what he did was actually totally understandable. It is awful living with a severely depressed partner who takes it out on you. There have been quite a few threads on here from women whose partners abuse them and blame it on being depressed - don't let your depression turn you into an abuser ie let it go on and on without getting help and continuing to say horrible things to your H.

Well done to you for recognising what you are doing. The next step is to get some help. I agree with the others, the GP surgery will have cover for your GP. Phone them back and ask for an appointment. If necessary explain that you are desperate.

normalserviceresumes - are you OK?

NSR just adding my pennyworth from the other side. I really think the first thing you need to do is see a doctor - ANY doctor. They will not belittle you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are ill and he/she will discuss your options - ADs in the short term if appropriate, and counselling/therapy. This was what my own GP told me recently when I went to see him about my DP, who is depressed. And I have to admit, things were so bad a few weeks ago, I did look at a couple of dating sites -not because I seriously want to leave DP - he's the love of my life and intrinsically a lovely man - but I needed to feel that, if worst came to worst, there might be other men out there for me - just to make me feel like someone might desire/love me again. I am telling you this because your DH might have had similar motives - just wanting to feel wanted when you were rejecting him, no more. My DP does a similar thing to you - when he is low, he cannot respond, talk to me or even look at me - and that is VERY harsh on me.

So - what I am trying to say is, address your illness and try not to make too much of the dating sites business. It sounds like he is in dreadful pain too and was just looking for a refuge, and the fact that he's come back shows he cares. Once you are feeling in control of your own illness, you can then look at your relationship and I suspect you will find there is a great deal there for you both - and your baby. I would suggest you see a GP asap and tell your DH that you are doing so - and perhaps ask him to come back. BIG hug to you for realising you need help - I wish My DP would, but he is not there yet.

Tanee that is very reassuring, thank you, and is almost word for word what my DH said.

I really don't blame him. If he was like me, I'd have left long ago. I think I have taken for granted how wonderful he is and taken out my feelings on him, always believing he would never leave me, or meet anyone else.

This has been a big wake-up call for me. It's made me realise that I can't just deal out crap and expect him to take it.

Daughter is stirring so can't finish, but will update soon with what dr said.

I'm glad it helped. I just thought that it might help to see things from his perspective, because I suspect he did not go on those websites through lack of love for you. I think that when you are suffering from serious depression, it can become impossible to see outside your own misery - it all becomes about YOU and you just can't see how your illness is affecting those around you. That is where my intrinsically lovely DP is at the moment, and there are times when I too want to walk away, not because I don't love him (as I am sure your DH loves you) but because I am also becoming depressed. At the moment I am considering leaving because of how his behaviour has affected my daughter. I find that hardest to accept because she has done nothing wrong.

Anyway, enough about me - I hope you manage to see a GP and yes, do let us know how you get on.