How do I handle my mother-in-law? Advice please!

[campergirl30]

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years and have very recently had our first child (he's 7 weeks old). I have always had a reasonable relationship with my in-laws even though there are certain things that I dont like (always correcting other people's grammer, very bitchy about other people, blah blah) but we've got on. Things have changed since I had my baby. My mother-in-law in particular is just too over-bearing for me. She wants to see the baby all the time and texts me asking to come around. The fact is, I dont really want her to. I understand that she wants to see her grandchild but I don't like her coming around, offering 'advice', and bitching about everyone (including my own mum who she's met twice!) - especially when my dp isn't even around to share the experience! She has just text me saying shes bought a cot and when can our baby sleep over? Well the way I'm feeling never! How do I handle this? My partner tells me I should be honest with her and tell her I don't want her to come around when she texts and asks to pop over but I don't think that will help family relations at all. I'm torn because I want my baby to have a good realtionship with his grandparents (and I dont want to slag off dp's mum to him too much - it is his mum after all) but equally I want to be left alone to enjoy my time with my baby with the friends and family I like before having to go back to work. Sorry if this sounds a whiney post - lack of sleep isn't helping!
Hope someone out there can offer me a way out of this peacefully
xx

NanaNina, sadly the dragon MIL is v much alive and kicking and IME it is very much the sons' mums that are the problem not the daughters as crap 70s comedians would have us believe.

Certainly with us it is, as woozlet said the problem with the mum not being able to cope with not being No 1 in their little boy's life anymore. My dh is an only son (has an older sis) and was definitely a mummy's boy when I met him. My MIL didn't like me from the moment she met me - not thin enough, not rich enough, too gobby and opinionated! I was never going to be good enough for her son. Had to endure quite a few snide comments about dh's previous girlfriend and how wonderful and perfect she was (very thin and very rich parents).

I put on some weight in my 20s and endured years of being handed diet sheets and having every morsel of food monitored. Then we got married, which was a nightmare cos she interfered from day one, insisting on all her friends coming, etc so we ran away to Oz to tie the knot - she's never forgiven me and doesn't seem to realise she drove us to do it .

Then five years of infertility where I had to endure her tears over her inability to be a grandmother - said to my SIL once (which unfortunately her dh told me) that the "real tragedy" of the situation (i.e. my IF) is that she would never be a grandmother . I will never forgive her for that.

Then DS finally arrives and I get nothing but interference.

I am now a mum to one son and son No 2 on the way.

I really hope I can learn from all my MIL's mistakes .

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant - very cathartic though!

How about you ask her if she would take the babe out in the pram for an hour (after you have fed him)? My mum used to love doing that (or was very good actress!) You can get a rest and, by the time she comes back it will be very natural for you to take over again. You might even get her to make a cup of tea for you ...

Good luck.

Hi, some of these entries are prize comedy! Well, its funny and tragic at the same time I guess.

Had a massive fall out with my MIL just after DS1 was born. I felt so sad at the time that nobody seemed to want to celebrate or offer help/or kindness to the new parents - it was all just about MIL's absolute all-consuming need to connect with her grandson. It turned into being all about her. So annoying! Even the first time she met him and arrived (unannounced)into my hospital bed where I was splayed out post-cs with leaky STs, the works! And suddenly there she was, right in DS1's face and setting off a camera flash!I can't explain ti better than to say it was as though I wasn't there at all.

Of course I felt guilty - but I found her particularly intrusive due to my extreme sensitivity - its such a precious and also tentative time - those first few weeks and months. I felt as though the baby and I were literally "as one" and the MIL's coming so close so quickly to my son without any regard or connection to me was a huge affront to my own personal space. It really did freak me out actually. After she left once I felt this wierd sense that my ds1 was not mine. It really scared me and I felt like I was getting post-natal depression and I couldn't shake that disconnected feeling for several days.

To be honest, that experience scared me so much that I knew I had to put my foot down. I know she was very excited, but, like someone else said below, it just felt as thought she couldn't differentiate that this wasn't her baby. She wanted the same depth of connection as me, and evidently saw the grandma role as having that same maternal closeness, just less of the time.

Needless to say, I saw her role very differently. And although it caused enormous ruptures within the family - we are still dealing with the fallout - I knew that DH and I had to claim our space. If something isn't working for you it isn't working for you - its good to remember that.

Plus - your own mental health is vital for the baby. MIL's state of mind is not so important for the littl 'un, so if you feel too guilty by asserting your boundaries you can remember that it only helps you be a better mother.

Also I don't think its uncommon - I heard of one lady who said she fell asleap after the birth with baby in arms and woke up the next morning to see MIL had spent the WHOLE NIGHT bonding with her newborn! Its hard to describe the primal urge and anger this gives you - that mother/child bonding needs to happen for a reason. Its a sensitive thing to interfere with.

ANyway, the long and short of it is that MIL is now more involved - gently does it. And my little boy absoltuely adores her and i get to keep her at arms length. SO happy solutions all round.

Sounds like my MIL, who actually I get on very well with. I think initially it was a bit of a battle between me wanting to be be seen as mum and left to get on with it and her desperately wanting to help and be involved in the life of her baby's baby (it helps to remember she feels the same way about your DH as you do about your baby).

With time she has really calmed down and so have I. We've learned to reach compromises and I'm secure enough in my position now not to feel threatened and she is secure enough with him to know I won't ever try and block her out of his life.

a very useful text reply I found "lovely to hear from you, we are having a quiet day at home today so speak to you later in the week. take care. love campergirl30 and babycampergirl30 xx" never failed!

Wow, I really thought I was the only one with nightmare FIL.

My welcome when arriving home was a filthy home, complete with pubes in the bath, poo in the toilet, mud all over the house and filthy kitchen with dirty dishes, courtesy of DH sister. Nice way to repay hospitality.

MIl then organised party the day after I came home from hospital (5 day stay) without oour knowledge or consent) After 6 hours of hhiding upstairs, I threws everybody out of tthe house, I had enough. Lots of more examples, primarily based that they do not understand the meaning of no, thousands of pounds of damage in the house, ruined vintage cashmere sweaters etc)

As a result of all the stress, I did get PPostnatal Depression and Post Traumatic stress.

Glad some of you have nice MILS!
As a MIl myself this thread has given me much food for thought.

As someone else has said, one of the difficulties really is that being a mother is a lifetime thing and the intensity of the feelings that you have (I only have sons) for your child do not really dilute over time. SO you do still feel protective towards your adult sons even when they are adults and fathers themselves. And Yes I hate to admit it, but it is sometimes difficult to realise that you are relegated to second place in their affections. The thing is that you have to learn to accept this and not set yourself up in some sort of competition with your DIL.

Also it IS a 2 way street you know and I have friends who have DILS who make life very difficult for them - one in particular is a bit scared of her DIL and lives in fear of upsetting her. I think it's called the eternal triangle isn't it - 2 women who both love the same man. It calls for insight and sensitivity especially on the part of the MIL as the new mother doesn't yet realise that she will in all probability feel the same love and need to protect her son even when he is a father himself!

MILS need to learn to recognise that this is NOT their baby - however much you may want that close connection. I think this need to take over the baby is born out of some sort of primeval urge to re-live the birth of a child and as the child grows so the urge or need diminishes..........so there is usually light at the end of the tunnel.

Mothers of baby sons - you may well feel like this yourselves one day!

silverandgold - your post really touched a nerve with me ,this was such a similar experience to mine. I wish I'd been able to vent on here (10 years ago!)and not be biting my lip to keep the peace - it really does affect your mental health.

Just going through this now.. had been feeling very strange about it.. and reading the post about "maternal-like need".. that's exactly it..
It just felt that she saw my LO as her child and it was a chance for her to do it all again..
Not sure how to solve it.. DH says that we should remember that for all the Grandparents it is like our LO is their own child.. I guess not asking her here to help unless DH is around is a start as then he can moderate her behaviour (I can't really be rude to her for fear of upsetting her).. cos it is really starting to upset me now..

cg30, building on what several of the other replies have said...

If she turns up anyway if you don't reply to her text, it is definitely worth replying as soon as you see them. Or rushing out and staying out and not replying so she is left waiting outside your house for a long boring time (so long as she doesn't have a spare key so can't let herself in!).

When you reply, it is worth putting in a 'how about coming around on XXX when DH will also be here' - and try to train her to only come when her son is around. That way he gets to entertain his mother, she can tell him all her 'useful' advice and you can go and have a nap to catch up on your sleep knowing your baby is being looked after and you don't have to listen to your MIL.

COuld you reply to the text about the cot and deliberately misunderstand it - say 'think it would be better to hold off buying a cot for sleepovers for now until baby is old enough - more likely to need a campbed than a cot by then'.

good luck! What does your dp think - does he see anything wrong in his mother coming when he is not there and upsetting you (indeed does he see that she is upsetting you?). might be good to encourage him to get him to arrange her visits when he is there too - you don't need to slag her off to him, just say that at the moment you are sleep deprived and trying to bond with your new child, and that his mother is hindering things, not helping. Add that you know it is early days at the moment and that you are not asking for this forever, you just want a chance to sort things out between you and your ds and to get nice and settled. He doesn't have to know that you are reckoning on these early days lasting for months or years rather than weeks!

and don't worry about your ds - his relationship with his grandparents isn't going to change significantly or be much better just because his granny came and dicated to you every week at this stage!