Advice on how to handle DS1's questions

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I have always been adamant I would not tell my children anything about my childhood as it was just too awful but DS1 (aged 8) knows my grandparents are dead and I don't see my parents.

He has started asking questions and I don't really want to answer them because of what questions will come next.

I am not keen on an out right lie but I am really stuck on how to handle this and saying to him that I will talk about it later or I don't want to talk about it right now, isn't really fair to him.

I can't bear for them ever to know what I went through to be honest.

It sounds like there is so much going on at the mo for you. Id recommend councelling to support you in this process if you can...i have to say that as well as what happened in my prev post where i said that i tell my dc re my mum leaving - i have decided NOT to ever tell them about another really harmful thing that happened to my a hands of a relative whilst i was vulnerable as I had no mum to watch over me - I know that i dont need to go into detail here - but what im saying is there may be somethings like your parents wheabous you can answer -and feel comfrtable to do so ,and like another post says ,it shows that bad things can happen and we can move on, but there may be other things thatyou may feel are simply too much thatyou couldnt tell your children as it may distress then too much to know - if my dc knew the abuse id had it would upset them too much and i never want them to have to hear it .However i do realise that secrets can damage femilies but this one stays with me and i have had the support to make it so.take care xx

As the others have said, I too agree that it sounds as if it's more something that has to do with you than with your little boy. You're reading things in him (emotions etc) that are yours & not his. As Cyteen said, secrets do eat away at families. Also, children are much better at coping with the bare truth than we think (of course I take for granted that things are said in a gentle, caring, age-appropriate way etc). I think it's a classic mistake we adults make: wanting to protect our children from the negative facts of life: death, divorce, nastiness etc. But the vagueness & elusiveness & the secrecy can actually create more problems for children in the long run.

Yes, that is a good point. You have control over the details and there will undoubtedly be things they don't need to know, things they probably won't even think to ask about tbh. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

FabBakerGirlIsBack - that thing about your DH. Does he try and protect you by not telling anyone and changng the subject. My Dad has covered up for my mother for their entire married life.

It would be helpful if DH coudl tell the story to DS (as agred by you) in a removed neutral way without the emotion. My Dad will not tell the story me either.

He just says vague things and changes the subject.

I had a dream last night that has really unsettled me and now I just want to run away.

I told DH last night what I want him to do when DS1 asks questions and he has said he will.

He just seems so young and it isn't like he is ever going to meet my parents or half siblings.

My life is a mess and it just causes trouble me being in it.

You know children are often more resilient than we give them credit for. And they are more accepting and sort of practical about things too.

I think your DH should talk to your DS on his own and explain some of the very basic information that you want your DS to have or will feel comfortable about him knowing at this stage. You DH can explain that you were sad when you were a child and things were difficult and that that makes you sad now sometimes. He can also explain that talking about it makes you sad and upset so it is best not to ask Mummy about it and suggest that he tells DS that you might be able to tell him more when he is older.

He is old enough now to know that something is not right and the more you try and avoid the subject the bigger the whole thing may become in his mind.

I understand that you don't want his childhood tarnished by yours but unfortunately your childhood has made you what you are and therefore it does and always will affect him. And when I say it made you what you are I mean the bad and the good. By the bad I mean the depression and sadness and anger at what happened. And by the good I mean the inherent good in you. The nice, loving woman that your DH fell in love with and the loving, kind mum that you are. And you should be very proud of that as that is YOU. The 'bad' stuff has/is and will affect you. But the good stuff is in you for always. And you have no-one to blame/thank for the good stuff but yourself as despite the shit childhood you were given you are a good person.

Remember there are lots of people who had similar childhoods to yours. And it turned them down the wrong path in life. You didn't let your experiences do that to you. I think you are a heck of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Hiding things from your DCs will make them wonder more and ask more questions.

"My Life is a mess and it just causes trouble me being in it"

. That statement is worrying me - you sound so down. Are you in touch with anyone in RL who you can talk this through with ? You sound depressed.

None of this is your fault x

Hi again

I suggested we go to the beach today as DH is off.

I played in the sea with the kids doesn't sound much but I normally just sit with the stuff and watch the kids.

I had tears on the way there as I was still feeling so unsettled but I tried really hard to stay focussed on the here and now and DH and it did help.

I felt so lonely this morning. One friend doesn't understand and never acknowledges if I say anything to her on the phone or in the email and another friend I think has had enough. I don't have anyone to talk about it to be honest.

Glad you are feeling a bit better today, Fab

I know exactly what you mean about making yourself join in and just enjoying being in the moment, instead of sitting and thinking all the time.

Did you say you were on a waiting list for counselling ? Are you under any doctors for depression ?

Fab you sound like you have a great marriage and great kids. That is what you should try to focus on - the fact that you had a terrible childhood does not mean that you can't be happy now and be a good wife & mother.

Please keep posting on MN when you ned to talk!

Am I right in thinking that your youngest is about to start school? Do you think that is unsettling you - the fact that your role is changing?

I have counselling to start in September and have been on ADs for a long time on and off.

Yes, my youngest is going to school in September and I can't quite believe it.

Sometimes I feel strong, happy, calm but almost immediately I feel scared as it feels like an unknown. My DH can't understand it as we have been together since 1996 and are very happy having each other. When I have 47 I will have been with him longer than I wasn't and I am hoping that will be something to celebrate.