A week in the Priory?

[green]

Oh, the exhaustion of this relationship. I love him, we have all the ingredients for a wonderful relationship. Yet, we are on our 3rd round of Relate (which is great and getting somewhere I feel - although now 3 weeks without due to holidays etc).

Arguments dominated the weekend and I ended up in an exhausted sobbing pile by the end of the weekend with some very bleak and scary thoughts (I've been there before). I called my sister near hysterically because I knew I had to speak to someone who could calm me down. I had an urge to run downstairs and get a knife. I would never do it, I couldn't do it to the children, but quite honestly I have moments where it feels like the only way to escape and get some rest.

This morning I feel a little less insane, but if someone offered me a way to end it all without causing any harm to my children, at times I think I'd grab it.

I know it sounds horribly narcissistic and melodramatic (with touches of my mad mother edging in). But there you have it.

I'm in therapy (again - she's on her hols)and I know these feelings come and go.

I fancy rather self indulgently booking myself into the Priory or some such for a week, for a bit of support if nothing else.

Anyone done that?

I have had stays in a priory hospital and they have literaaly been lifesavers but each stay has cost me thousands.

If you have the money and can get a referral I would recommend it, you do need to see your GP.

It all feels a bit silly now, but I was very very scared by myself.

I have a good cover with BUPA and am quite confident they would cover it but would need to check. But as I say, today I feel OK so it all feels a bit melodramatic.

But I'm hearing that you guys think I should go back to the doctor, huh?

Definitely. That's not to say you're not doing fantastically, but it would be really great, even if they just keep an eye on you for a little while. Extra support is always helpful. You weren't being melodramatic, you were struggling, there's a difference. Maybe they could just arrange for someone to help you work through how you feel when you do hit a low?

silly question, but are you actually married to the wrong man?

if youre sure he's the right one, you are right to persevere. But I do know people who have relationships plagued by flaming rows.(and whilst in that relationship, they presume it would be the same with anyone else) when they spilt up and find others, they find its a whole different world.

on the other hand if you feel there are issues to deal with that come from within, you would be right to attempt to address those first..just musing really, sometimes a relationship is worth working hard to save, sometimes you're wasting your time....

either way it doesn't sound like you can just wait another 3 weks for therapy to resume.

Yes, oom, this is something I have asked myself in the past. And yes, probably if I knew now what I knew then, I perhaps wouldn't be with him. BUT I love him, I have 3 children by him and when we get on it is wonderful.

It isn't that our life is dominated by arguing, more that we don't seem to get on enough of the time, and when we argue I feel so stuck and really actually rather tortured. We have worked so hard to save it (actually as I write that I am very aware that primarily it is me that has worked so hard) and I do, I really do feel like we have finally found a fantastic Relate woman who really appears to 'get it' and 'get us'. It is early days though.

I'm still feeling resistant to going back to the doctors - it felt like such a temporary madness, but it is sinking in.

What you said about feeling fine is exactly how I used to justify that actually I was just "having a bad day". But aside from my (albeit brief) suicidal thought, I had one day where I just totally broke down and really truly thought I was going completely and utterly mad. Then the next day I would feel fine again. Thankfully my husband had the presence of mind to insist I go to the doctors (I feel very lucky to have had such a suportive partner to be honest, most men would have run a mile)! I think you're totally doing the right thing getting the Relate counselling, but I don't think it would do you any harm at all to have independant counselling...it's amazing the stuff you don't even realise is bothering you until you get the chance to actually talk about it. I found it was much easier to talk to a total stranger too (some people find the thought of divulging your most personal thoughts to someone you don't know very strange).

You should be proud of the way you dealt with the situation the other day, but you should also, IMHO, see it as a bit of a warning that things are obviously not great and you need a bit of extra help.

It is NOT normal and grounded and healthy and well balanced to think about killing yourself - ever. People who are mentally well would never consider killing themself just because their partner isn't listening to them when they argue, frustrating thought that might be. Really. I think you are fooling yourself and you do need some help. Also, I think you may find your partner does not share your view of his behaviour during arguments. He could be an insensitive bastard, or you could be depressed and irrational and hard to cope with - it's impossible to tell from your posts which is which - maybe it's a bit of both, but suicidal thoughts about this sort of stuff isn't normal or good.

OK. Back to the docs. I do already have 1:1 therapy but again, she's on hols for a while.

You are very black and white msled - I'm not sure it is as simple as you think?

Yeah my therapist has been off the past two weeks - its always more stressful when they're not around, I think.

Good for you for booking a doctors appointment, its not easy to do it for something like this, I find.

How are you feeling today?

Hi green. Unmumsnetty hugs to you too.

Mmm - I think that MsLed is right that people don't think about killing themselves if they are in good mental health. From my own experience, though, I know it can seem a really good, and utterly logical, solution if you aren't in good mental health. (Literally to the point at which I wondered why everyone didn't kill themselves as it was clearly the right thing to do - gosh, looking back I was clearly quite unwell!) I can't help thinking that perhaps your ADs need adjusting? I think that the body's response to them seems to change over time - when I first started taking ADs I was ultra-hyper and really assertive for a few weeks (which I loved, it was such fun, but at the same time rather tiring), and now I seem to have settled back down into being my normal personality minus suicidal urges. Now, this may be not the case for you at all, as your DH doesn't sound as supportive, but for me, depression also caused some very way-out thoughts about my lovely DH, including that he was trying to drive me to kill myself.

Hmm, vague ramblings, hope of some use.

Hi, I think I only sound black and white because you are so depressed that suicide seems a normal, reasonable thing to think about, as GrendelsMum so eloquently explains. I promise you that if you are not in poor mental health (or in a truly appalling situation - degenerative terminal illness/death of a child etc) you just don't think about it. Certainly not over a row. I mean, I get fed up and stressed and tired and have money worries and worries about my children and have rows with my husband but killing myself no more crosses my mind than killing anyone else. I'm not criticising you at all, just trying to point out that you are right that you need help, and that you are clearly not very well at the moment. I truly hope you can go to your GP and get yourself well again, whatever that takes.

How are you doing, Green?

A bit blue but OK. I'm really touched by comments - msled thanks for explaining - but a bit slumpy. I'd kinda thought I had turned things around and was feeling much better, and it is hard to accept sometimes that I still need help.