Dear all,
I've been reading the threads for a little bit and now would like to contribute.
I'm interested in hearing what others think, although i hope i don't just get shouted at!
Basically its about my boyfriend.
He's 31, I'm 32.
We've been together 8 years.
He had quite a challenging childhood (who didn't?). His father became an alcoholic and died (my boyfriend thinks he let himself die) when my bf was about 11. At 7, his mother had an affair with the mother of my boyfriends friend from nursery. They had a relationship for 25 odd years. They had a civil ceremony a few years ago. Then the partner died a year and a half ago from cancer.
So my boyfriend when he was young, had an alcoholic father who died, and was brought up by two mums. His mum retrained to be a psychotherapist around this time. He got into music, drugs, etc. as teenagers do.
The thing i am worried about is that he smokes weed pretty much everyday. We have talked about this a lot. At first i really wanted him to stop and have counselling.
Now, I have come to accept that he has to do things in his own time.
The backdrop against this is that i had a nervous breakdown 6 years ago after a few years of depression and insomnia. I was carted off to hospital. I thought he would leave me, but he was incredibly supportive. He has been amazing. Although not perfect, we do talk about everything and anything. He cooks me amazing restaurant standard meals pretty much every night. Contributes significantly to the housework. Works very hard in his job, and financially supports me when he can (if i need it) - though our relationship is fairly mutual/equal.
I have had a lot of relationships since i started dating at 15. And this is definitely the best so far. There have been a couple of boys who were as devoted, but i was not as attracted to them/found them annoying!
This relationship seems the most mutual and strong.
I have also been in therapy since my breakdown which has been great, and i have overcome alot.
So, his arguments for smoking weed are that, he has used it over the years and he always seems to have a good (or at least not a bad) reaction to it. As his father was an alcoholic, he says he doesn't want to use alcohol to relax and wind down. He says alcohol is more physically addictive.
I know it is not ideal.
During my own problems i have been prescribed medications from the doctor. In an ideal world i would encourage him to get medication from the doctor. But my own experiences of this have been FAR from perfect. The prozac i was given at the drop of the hat had a much worse reaction with me than any of the drugs i took as a teenager with my friends.
I have talked to him about having counselling/therapy for years. He says he is not totally against it. But had it when he was younger. He tried again recently but didn't take to it.
He says for him going to the gym is better. In a way i am all for encouraging him to do the things that he thinks are helpful (like going to the gym).
I don't know if I'm worrying about nothing. But I do worry that it wouldn't be a good idea to have children with this going on. After living together for 5 years (and he is the best person i have ever lived with) we are buying a house together, and are engaged to be married. He says we should wait another few years after all before trying for children. As he is aware that he should be as mentally healthy as possible.
I don't know what I'm saying really.
On the one hand, this is the best relationship. But on the other it feels like a massive gamble to see if he manages to get where he needs to be in order to have children. (I am working hard on myself as well.)
I guess i just find it really frustrating when i come home and see him smoking, when i am 32 and thinking of getting married, buying a house and having kids. i think, would i think the same if he were taking medication, or having a glass a wine?
In some ways i think marijuana are better solutions that both those two (i know that might sound crazy), but because it is illegal i can't really talk to my friends or family about it.
And people seem to have knee jerk reactions, either what are you worrying about, its only a joint, or yeah its awful, don't settle down with him.
i can't get a sense of what the reality really is. i guess its a gamble. maybe i just need to find an answer to each worry i have and remind myself what i have decided about each thing when i think of it.
By the way, i have a full time job, don't do any drugs myself.
I realise i might come across as someone a bit unstable (mainly because i've been telling you about the psychological stuff!) And i guess i have been. I was a straight A student at school, got a first for a degree, and am MA, so am capable of putting my mind to things!