I need third person perspective. Does my mum just not like me? And is that okay?

[ajarbythedoor]

We've never had a falling out, we apparently get on fine, this is just how things are.

She speaks to me about once a month on the phone. I speak to my dad far more often, and she is quite happy to get our news via him, she says. Except that either he doesn't pass things on, or she's not really interested, because she never knows what's going on with us. When I do speak to her, it is usually at my dad's instigation - he will insist that "Mum is dying to talk to you!" and put her on the phone, and sometimes our chat is okay but often it's a bit awkward and she clearly doesn't really want to chat. She doesn't see the point of talking when there's nothing to say.

I would say this is just how she is, but she has a completely different relationship with my brother. They talk all the time. A few months ago I was chuckling to my bro saying that I spoke to mum for 30 minutes which is unheard of, and that we'd had a really good natter. Usually she chats for 10 minutes, or 20 tops and then has to go. He was puzzled and said that she talks to him for easily an hour when he calls.

My brother says I look for things to feel offended about.

I send photos of the children, which Dad says that Mum just loves. She never ever ever replies or says anything about the photos. Is my dad over-egging the pudding deliberately, and saying how much my mum adores the photos so I won't think she's not bothered about them? I sent some a few days ago, and no response as usual. Then I remembered I;d not sent an address she asked for so emailed again with the address and said "did you like the photos?". No reply.

I constantly feel silly for being needy about her attention, but then I take a step back and I don't think wanting to talk to my mum once every couple of weeks, or acknowledge some photos of her grandchildren is particularly needy. Is it? Tell me. I really don't know.

She is with me as she is with her mother, who she has been quite frank about not liking.

I remember as a child she often used to say "I love you, but I don't always like you very much". I know she loves me. I think it is enough for her to know I'm okay and happy and doing well. Maybe she just doesn't actually enjoy my company or like me very much.

Last time we saw my parents I was chatting away with a friend of hers who I'd not met before. After a while Mum laughed and said "You see X? I told you she ought to have been your daughter, not mine!" She was only joking about the fact that X and I had interests in common that my mum and I don't share. She said it a few times though. It has stuck with me.

She has spoken before about how she likes one of my half brothers more than the other. I think she thinks about this sort of thing, how well she gets on with people, and how well she likes them.

So (sorry, this is rather long), I am left with the conclusion that my mum wishes me well but doesn't like me much. And I suppose I should just put my big girl pants on and deal with that. We have all met people we don't like, and you can't help liking or disliking someone. I do often feel a bit crappy about it though. I feel as though I'm getting something wrong. I feel like I just need to do something better or different or something, and then she'd like me. Which is pathetic behaviour from a grown woman, and I know I'd be on a hiding to nothing. You can't make someone like you.

Not sure what I want from this thread really. What do you think?

Sorry this has dredged up bad feeling for you aGal, but well done for learning how to deal with your feelings, and thank you for your insights. Your posts have been helpful.

Atilla, we have very similar family situations I think. My db is also younger and child free and enormously selfish. I love and like him very much, but his selfishness is simply a fact. My parents seem to think he has a terrible time and needs a break, and they cluck around after him. They have said to me that they don't have to worry about me. Actually, it's a slightly old fashioned thing too, in that I am my husband's responsibility now, not theirs . And to be fair, they are right, they don't have to worry about me, and I am fine, and I am not their responsibility. I don't want to be their responsibility, just a more important part of their lives, I suppose.

Those of you who mentioned my mother's relationship with her mother were spot on. It's dreadful. My granny adores my mum and is very full on, wanting to chat every day and, well, be friends with her. My mum finds this very irritating and has resorted to being very blunt and hurtful with my granny, in telling her to back off. My granny is now sort of 'rationed' to one phone call a fortnight. Perhaps my mum just finds close relationships with other women impossible? The more I think about it, the more paralells I see between my mum's relationship with granny, and the way our own relationship is developing as the years pass.

Obviously I've been chewing away at this since posting yesterday. I think I have reached a couple of conclusions. Firstly, that I really can't change her, so I should just appreciate the good and not worry about the bad. She's not all bad, and on a superficial level we can often have a great time chatting when we see each other. I think this thread has really helped me work out my thoughts, and I feel less overwhelmed and more able to be less bothered.

The other thing I have realised is that the bot that really troubles me is how it will affect my relationship with dd. I have realised that I am absolutely terrified of her not liking me. Dd is three and is a 'spirited' and 'willful' child, and often I catch myself dancing around trying to please her instead of just being a mummy and telling her to pack it in. I think I need to decide that dd DOES like me and will like me. Well, that's enough self indulgent navel gazing for now . Off to make some lunch.

Glad the thread has helped, ajar.

Attila, thanks for your approval - it's really good to know I hadn't trodden on anyone's toes. My feelings come more from my and my sister's relationship with our father, which is very complicated.

Oh, and I think it's very tricky not handing down family relationships to the next generation - but being aware of the politics probably helps you avoid falling into the same trap or overcompensating wildly...

ajar

You've made me feel quite motherly towards you! How hurtful for you.... It's quite incomprehensible because from your post you sound like a warm, rational, approachable daughter, which most mothers would kill for

But as others have said, focus on the affectionate loving relationship with your dad and try to insulate yourself against your mum's inadequate mothering

I suspect alot of it is down to your own experience. My grandparents all lived several hours drive away so were seen infrequently. Consequently when I had kids and both sets of grandparents were several hours drive away I viewed that as normal and not some great disaster with people "missing out". I loved my grandparents but don't wish we'd lived nearer or I'd stayed over more often. I had a great time with my parents and my local friends. maybe not traipsing round grannies every weekend made us develop closer friendships with local kids as children. I think alot of people think of their own upbringing as an ideal norm and aren't keen on anything different. I'd have hated local inlaws who want to have the kids constantly visiting and stop us doing things.

I think you're on the right track by thinking about her relationship with her mother. It's easy, I think, for women to see their own mothers in their daughters - I know my mom did that with me.

I really doubt that her preference for your brother is a rejection of you and who you are - it's all about her history, particularly with her mother. Please don't take it personally.