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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I makes me feel so sad to read how many MumsNetters are with rubbish men

28 replies

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 11:54

I had my fair share of vile specimins and are now with an amazing man who has stood by me through lots of hard times.

There are decent men out there but why are women so down on themselves that they stay when they would advice their friend to leave?

Please, if you are in a relationship where you are not number one with your man - look at why, you deserve better.

No smug post. Just sad that men can do such a number on women.

This was meant to be a post to celebrate the decent man but..

OP posts:
NellyNoKnicks · 30/07/2009 11:58

I agree, i've trawled the depths of cr@p men and now have one who idolises me... now all i wish for is the same for every other woman.... but i'm not sharing mine

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 12:11

You are right FBGIB

I find a lot of posts on here depressing and upsetting

When you have read enought of them, it is easy to see (as an outsider) how many of them follow a set pattern

And most upsetting is how many of the women make excuses for their blokes abusive behaviour and let their dc remain in such a destructive atmosphere

I suppose it can take a long time sometimes for someone to come to their senses (there are a few threads going along those lines at the moment), but God it is frustrating to see

I am a shy and quiet person in RL (honest) but have only allowed myself to be treated badly once

And that was once too many

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 12:13

Trouble is, AF, sometimes you just don't see it coming. One bloke hit me, can't remember why, and I am so annoyed I apologised to him. I just wanted things back to how they had been. I got my own back though, by default.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 12:17

I know FBGIB, am trying not to judge (MN has taught me that, at least)

squilly · 30/07/2009 12:23

I think it's sad that so many women put up with crap men, but I do think a board like this highlights the angst, rather than the day to day 'good' guys in the world.

Let's face it, MN is a place to vent and to ask for help and advice. Generally, folks with a good bloke don't need to post about their OH so much. So perhaps the picture looks skewed?

Even so, even if it was just one woman on here with domestic violence in her life or abuse it would be too many.

You're right, it's v sad.

FAQtothefuture · 30/07/2009 12:26

actually I'll tell you what annoys me on MN - is that people say "he'll never change" - it's expected that a shitty man will stay a shitty man whatever.

and any even slightly derogatory behaviour from him is PURELY of his own doing, - there can't possibly be anything else which is causing it, affecting his behaviour. And that we should all just upsticks and leave them.

IT's very much a "throw away" relationship scenario on here.

Of course if the woman behaes in a shitt way that's generally ok - it's excusable - but if the man does it he's automatically labelled scum.

Of course there are some posters that ARE with shitty men - but not half as many as some MNers like to announce there is.

misscreosote · 30/07/2009 12:26

I think you just don't get posts saying 'help, my DP/DH is fabulous, what shall I do?' . Am sure there are many more MNetters out there in healthy relationships than unhealthy ones. My DH, for example, is absolutely great and my best friend! sorry, too gushy.

Just wanted you to know its not all bad, and yes, we can celebrate the decent men, there are plenty of them!

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 12:30

I know you weren't judging, AF.

That was my point for posting, to celebrate the decent men but it went a bit wrong.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 12:32

I think I brought the thread down FBGIB

BadgersArse · 30/07/2009 12:33

wee get these threads de temps en temps

ninedragons · 30/07/2009 12:37

Couldn't agree more. A lot of the posts here leave me just aghast. The number one thing I want to drill into DD is don't ever settle for a man (or woman) who treats you like anything less than gold.

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 12:40

You didn't, AF. I started it all wrong.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 12:42

but ninedragons, there is a downside to this "treat as gold" mentality

many abusive men, do actually initially (and also imbetween the abuse) treat their women as precious objects

they are attentive, never leave your side, want to do everything together, buy presents, bring flowers etc etc

then, the next time you don't conform to their image of the "perfect woman" they tell you how "disappointed" they are, call you a whore, give you a slap

beware the overly-attentive man !

scottishmummy · 30/07/2009 12:48

i am more aghast at amount of MN who buy their man underwear

jesus wept,that level of infantalising is grim

presumably grown men who hold down jobs.responsible adults.but the missus buys the chuddies.maybe unconsciously they will chose ugly or polyester special so he cannot get his keks down for someone else with her laughing. a clever sabeotage

but seriously maybe when we are content we dont come on MN and say my adorable partner did thta and dat

GypsyMoth · 30/07/2009 12:48

it annoys me that so many posters say send him off for counselling/therapy/pills/anger management. for a violent aggressive man!! like its a miracle cure!

MorrisZapp · 30/07/2009 12:51

Agree with anyfucker. I don't want to be treated like a princess or like gold - I'm a normal woman with faults and I expect to be treated as such.

It should be an equal loving, supportive and forgiving relationship on both sides. Once one side has the other side on a pedestal something is just not right.

GetOrfMoiLand · 30/07/2009 13:03

Oh, I thought this thread was about mners who had relationships with blokes who are dustmen, not crap blokes.

But then I am a twat

In response to OP - shocking what some women put up with. I am currently going through a bad patch with DP, but at least he is not violent or controlling.

scottishmummy · 30/07/2009 13:05

the danger in the my man is a twat thread is if you agree the OP dies a schreeching u turn and starts to stick up for him,being all very dare you.you dont know 'im to posters

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 13:41

But if one did post about her man being amazing someone would take offence.

I buy my husbands underwear. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. He works, I don't. he can't get excited about buying pants, I don't mind so I do it.

Doesn't make me anything other than a wife helping her husband.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 30/07/2009 14:00

In my defence, I reciprocate fully.

A colleague in my open-plan office once said to me I cannot BELIEVE how lovey-dovey you are on the phone to your husband when you're just working out what to get out of the freezer for dinner. Are you for real?

Just lucky, I suppose, to be madly in love after nine years

junglist1 · 30/07/2009 14:10

Counselling doesn't help. It just draws everything out and gives a woman hope for nothing. Pills? Yeah an overdose of them would help.

junglist1 · 30/07/2009 14:11

Oh for the abuser not me, I'm having a lovely time

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 14:13

junglist1

HighOnDieselAndGasoline · 30/07/2009 14:15

LOL

Stretch · 30/07/2009 14:21

Scottishmummy - I buy Dhs' underwear, he buys mine!! It's a fair deal!!