Is it ok to move away, even though dc's won't be anywhere near their father?

[mampam]

We live in a very rural part of the country and is one of the most expensive places to live (except London) and the wages are quite poor and don't reflect the cost of living.

My DH is from a different part of the country where it is relatively cheap to live(ie a 3 bedroom house where we live now would cost £250K where as it would cost £150k) and there are more job opportunities. DH is homesick and wants to move 'home'. Until recently I have said 'no I don't want to move' but I now I'm wondering what is actually keeping me in this part of the country. Aside from the expense of living here my DC's father is here too which is good for them but not for me.

I know it should be what is best for the children but I don't know if I can take it any more. I don't have a very good relationship with ex, as his wife has seen to it that we don't get on. She is very manipulative and manipulates dc's all the time. She doesn't like anyone she knows to have anything to do with me and has created such a fuss/atmosphere that his family who I used to get on great guns with, even after ex and I split, find it really awkward around me now because she has made it clear to them that if they have anything to do with me she will cut off contact with them (which means her, ex and their baby). She asked mutual friends of ours not to come to my wedding to DH, they didn't (I assume the same ploy was used on them too) and now those mutual friends won't even say hello to me. I'm not fussed as they obviously aren't real friends but it does make it really awkward for us and others when we are at the same weddings, christenings etc, so much so that DH and I have decided not to accept invites of things anymore when we know that they will be there.
Ex has no backbone and will not stand up to his wife but there again I'm not sure if he is just being manipulated too and just can't see it?! Whatever the reason, she definitely wears the trousers in their relationship!!

DC's are now staying with their father for 2 weeks as they do every year in the summer holidays (he only lives 5 miles away). It's nice for them to spend some time with him and it's nice for DH and I as we get to spend some time 'just us'. However, I am treated as if it is none of my business what happens with regards to my own DC's. Months ago I was told what dates he was having them in the summer and nothing was mentioned again until a few days before they were due to go. I text him and asked him was he still taking them on holiday as he hadn't mentioned it, the reply 'yes we're having them but we're not going on holiday this year'. And I was told what day he was bringing the children home, which is 2 days later than normal. I didn't argue because if I don't go along with what they want they just make life hell for me and I haven't got the energy to fight about it. I spoke to the DC's on Monday and his mobile phone has been switched off since, which I've no doubt in my mind has been done on purpose so I can't speak to them.

I feel like I need/want a fresh start, to just get away from it all but is it fair to take DC's away from living 5 miles away from their dad to 300 miles away?

I wouldn't expect your dc's to want to go but they are too young to understand all the wider implications. Don't let your dc's fear of the unknow/change dictate the situation to you.

Thanks. I'm scared of the implications too, moving schools, making new friends but who knows in 5 years time we may be able to move back but right now I know it is the best/only way forward for us in this situation. I would like to one day have somewhere that we can all call our home instead of living in someone elses house, which is decorated to their tastes, but just has our furniture in it. DH and I want to be able to help our DC's out in future, with university fees or with their first homes, contibute towards their weddings but there is no way on earth we can do that if we carry on down the same path we are on now.

I think you should move. Seems obvious that you need to financially and therefore in your DC best interests. As long as they keep in contact all will be OK. The new wife sounds a total bitch, I notice alot of OW who become wives are always bitter about the ex like they are still 'in competition'.

A friend of mine is. She often says,'I am never letting that bitch split up my family!' about the ex wife. I feel like saying, 'but it was OK for you to split theirs up!?'

Moving to a new area is scary but you cannot afford to live where you are so you don't really have much of a choice? Surely it's better to go to an area where your dh has connections than to somewhere nearer your ex where neither of you know anybody?

Hi just to give everyone an update on this situation.

The jungle drums have been going and somehow ex found out that we are thinking about moving ( I don't know how he found out) and he confronted me about it.

As it turns out he seems to be OK with it. He said he was a bit panicked as he knows someone who got wind of their ex wife moving and the next day she upped sticks and moved with dc's to Scotland!! (they live in the very south of England). I assured him that I would NEVER up sticks and just leave.

He asked me how things would work out with regards to DC's and I told him that as long as he was ok with it and wouldn't mind driving half way to pick them up,they could stay with him every half term and school holiday. I told him that because my family live here, that we would be back here visiting frequently on bank holidays etc.

He also said that they had thought of moving out of this area too, for pretty much the same reasons as us (obviously he's not as desperate as us but it is an expensive area to live) but DC's being here is always what had stopped him(them).

I won't get my hopes up because I have learnt from the past that he will stand on my door step and say one thing and completely do another, but things are looking slightly hopeful that he won't cause us any bother if we do finally decide to move away.

We are off to our northern destination for a 2 week holiday in September (cheapo caravan) to check out the area and surrounding areas, get some info on jobs and houses to rent and possibly seek out info about schools too.

I don't think it is acceptable. A 300 mile trip every other weekend is a big strain on whoever is doing it - your ex or the DCs. It will put a strain on them all and their relationship, and his wife and baby, which would presumably make her even more resentful of you. Would you be willing to travel that far every two weeks? Think about it really. And is it fair to make someone else do that?

As for the point about nobody would mind if he moved away, perhaps not, but it would be his choice to have to make that trip every other week.

Sorry, just saw that you are willing to drive them halfway, which seems like a good thing for you to volunteer to do.

As it is also the ops choice to make that trip every two weeks.....

This is not a mother opposed to contact, this is a mother who is actively considering what will be the best long term solution to give their children the best possible outcome and who has already thought about how contact will work and how to maintain a strong relationship between the children and their father.

OP - you are doing things the right way, I'm pleased for you that your ex is being outwardly amicable about this. Best wishes.

Just to qualify, I am a step mother, my partner has a child who lives a long way away who we are very much involved with.

Just to clarify, the DC wouldn't be going to their fathers every other weekend, it would be half terms and holidays and bank holiday weekends etc, less frequently but for longer periods and more quality time as opposed to flying visits IYSWIM?

My ex has agreed this is how it will work and seems happy with this.

itsmeolord thanks for your support. Ultimitely I have got to try and do what is best for all of us in the long run. In an ideal world the children wouldn't have to move 300 miles away from their father but if we do move then I'm trying to think of the best way in which they will maintain a great relationship with their dad that will work best for us and him. It obviously works for you. What are your arrangements?

Ex lives in a two bedroom house, his baby has to sleep in their room because the spare bedroom is where our DC's have always slept and he doesn't want them to think that it's not their bedroom anymore or to feel pushed out by the baby. The baby will be a year old next month so they're aren't living ideally either. He told me that they had thought about moving but didn't because of DC's so now he may be able to move too so thats all of us happy

I've just split up with my husband and moved my daughter 300 hundred miles away, he would obviously have preferred me to stay local to him, but all my family live here. I let him see her when he wants to and never ever put anything in the way of them seeing each other. He seems happy with this arrangement so far.

You have to do whats best for your children and you.

Thank you mummytowillow it obviously can work as long as you want it to and put in the effort to make it work.

SGM I hadn't realised you could do that with Facebook, it's something I'd definitely set up for them if they wanted me to.

We've got a webcam and DD already has an email address! (kids of today!).