Do you ever feel trapped in the wrong life???

[DontKnowWhatIWant]

I don't know what I want really. I feel like there are two sides of me, one that is happy with her lot and wants a happy family, couple of kids, easy relaxed life with dh.

BUT, occasionally I have this real feeling of 'I'm in the wrong life'. It's like I feel like I wish i'd never even started seeing dh and never gotten married, had ds1 etc. It makes me sad to think like this but sometimes I almost feel as if it's my 'true' voice coming out. I can't say I regret having ds, I love him so much and can't imagine him not being here but I kind of regret the chain of events that led to my life being as it is now...

I have been with dh 6 years, married 4 years, ds is 21 months...

I kind of feel like I've caused this whole situation myself by not being a stronger person in the early days adnd just ending the relationship when I had my doubts.

Dh isn't a bad person, in fact he couldn't do more for me, in some ways i feel we're perfectly suited. The main issues that come up are that he's a worrier, worries about money a lot, worries about insignificant things that I would not give a second thought to for eg: If he can't get the grass cut cause it's been raining then he'll get all grumpy and annoyed till he gets it done. That leads me on to his grumpyness, quite frequent although i'm not perfect myself. The main issue i've had over the years are his anger outbursts, he is absolutely impossible to get through to or to calm down in an argument. I have been on the verge of splitting with him due to this several times and told him so. He always appologises when he calms down and says he knows he has a problem and will get help but hasn't really got any help ever. He promised to see the gp about it on two occasions recently and I felt very let down when he just didn't bother. He then said he would get a book on anger management and read it first to see if that would help (when I brought the fact he hadn't seen the doc up). He ordered the book and to be fair we have been busy lately but he hasn't touched it as yet, I just feel as if he doesn't see it as an issue...

I ave had depression after the birth of ds and I suspect have had it on and off before then. Due to this when I am feeling down it is all I can do to look after ds never mind get the housework done. He complains when it is like this and I try to explain that I just don't have the motivation but he just thinks i'm being lazy.

We had an argument today as I am pg and suffering from morning sicnkess and fil was going to come round and do some diy with dh. I said I would like a rest as felt tired and sick and he got all grumpy about it saying we might as well cancel sil coming as there wasn't enough time for me to have a proper rest before he came. He was saying 'this is just cause you didn't want him to come round in the first place'. I said no, not really I just feel awful and want a rest, how about I have a rest for 20 mins till he gets here then i'll get up again, he was like 'no, there's no point i'll just have to cancel him coming'. Anyway we had a row and he started saying that even before I has ms I hardly did any jobs around the house and he works all day and does 95% of the housework???!! This isn't true, I would say it's 50/50 sometimes 60/40 one way or the other but I do my fair share and he made me feel shit saying I don't... I was saying 'I need extra help at the mo cause I feel sick' then he said 'when don't you feel sick', I then called him a pig as I felt it insensitive to say that when I am carrying his baby and have ms . We argued some more, I told him I was sick of him and he makes my life a misery, he said so do I, I said I don't want to be with him then and wish we never got together . He asked my we made a baby then, I sadi I don't know and went off upstairs crying.

Whilst upstairs I grieved for the old me, the happy me, what happened? I have no friends here (moved to dh's home town), I have no hobbies, I feel so bored being a sahm but all the jobs here are rubbish and don't want to leave my ds either...

He's now taken ds out to give me a break from them for a while so I can rest. I can't brek away from this life, not even sure if I want to or it's a case of the grass is greener. My family all live hours away. Even if we split there's still ds and the one on the way to share between us, I can't imagine living alone and coping, I bearly cope now.

I don't know what I want tbh, just wanted to write all this down. I feel bad cause in a way, although this baby was planned I kinda feel more trapped by it right now.

Dont know wot to do. For split seconds I wish my life was the way it was bf I had kids, which sounds really selfish. Me and hubby argue all the time, mainly about kids or other people. Is this normal?

Hinagiku - You are right, I do need something else in my life. I'm very interested in doing 'something' but always change my mind about what I want that something to be because of self doubt.

I am in the process of setting up m own little business, nothing that exciting and it won't excercise me intelectually but it's a start...

I did used to write a journal, mainly just when stressed out and it did help, never seem to find the time these days, will have to make time!

Dh and I have always had a close relationship, I would spend all my time with him if I could. In fact we used to work at the same place on the same shift. I do recognise now however that maybe a little time spent doing seperate interests would make us more interesting people around each other. Everything is harder with a lo, not impossible though.

Bloodyright - Forgot to say before but dancing in the kitchen is one of my 'hobbies' . I mainly do it to make dh laugh or when dancing with ds, will do it more. I was galloping round the kitchen like a horse today but that was definately for ds's benefit!

You have made me realise something about my negative thought processes actually. I am the kind of person that likes my mind to be kept busy, maybe this is how I block the negative thoughts out? I used to have a habbit of constantly listening to music when I was a student, I find music takes me to happy places... sometimes sad ones too but it focuses my mind on something else. I am currently writing this and watching one of my favourite programs at the same time, no room for my mind to think cause it's too busy. I'm also addicted to reading magazines, not so much anymore cause ds just jumps on me if I try to read one. Anyway, I realise that as I look after ds all day every day I don't get much oppertunity to listen to music (apart from lunch time, I put it on then).

I supppose this is like me needing something else, a challenge, excercise for my brain...

I am going to do the writing thing and have been practicing positive thinking today. I keep telling myself that 'being crap at life' is not an option

Thanks for the advice and chance to let it out, it's really helped me.

DKWIW, I'm so glad you had a better day today - and very glad that you were galloping like a horse, one of my favourite moves too!!

I've been thinking about you today too and was thinking how it is such a transitional stage in your life when you have kids and are at home with kids all day. Issues come up which you could never be prepared for and this is just one of them.

I was nodding when you were talking about music playing, I constantly have some noise, althought its radio with me, big radio 4 fan. It does definitely help with keeping the negative spiral at bay.

It sounds like you have quite a nice wee life really and that you just have to keep reminding yourself of that - SWITCH THAT HORRIBLE VOICE OFF - its just keeping you back.

Glad to have chatted to you in this wierd cyber space thingymajig. Good luck with all your writing, who knows where that may lead, you certainly have a lovely way of expressing yourself.

You're right, I have a lovely life...

Don't know why you guys are saying my writing is nice, I always thought it was just average. Maybe that's the negatie voice I'll take your word for it and do some writing anyway!

Indeed, don't assess whether or not your writing is nice, good, poor, average or brilliant. These are all just opinions of which (in my middle age!) I am realising are of little use to anyone. I would encourage you to write for yourself as a great instant therapy, an outlet, and it is creative, and anything creative is life-enhancing. Just writing an entry in a journal or diary every day can just give your life stability and perspective.