feeling very worried about partner leaving me

[DAW]

My partner & I have been together for 2 years and have a one year old daughter, we moved in together 10 months ago and he?s now saying he feels trapped and that his freedom is restricted. We argue a lot and then 3 weeks ago he ended the relationship. He agreed to come for counselling but we?ve only been twice. Then yesterday I found a letter addressed to him confirming the purchase of a new house (for him). I can?t believe he?s done this - he said to the counsellor that he wanted us to work on things but buying a house by himself ( I can?t get a mortgage at the moment cos I was made redundant whilst on mat leave). I am devastated. I can?t believe he?s ended things with me. I feel like such a failure. I knew things weren?t right, but deep down I felt if we still loved each other it would all be okay. I am totally and utterly gutted. don?t know what to do.

OK...first of all...you are going to be ok.
you will probably never find out why/how/what etc.this happened to you.i'm presuming you are quite young?...don't let this take over your life.He's young,immature etc.Doesn't know where he is in life.Your priority is your daughter.You will be ok.You will find a path and you WON'T care in a few months cos he isn't your priority .... in fact,you will have probably found somebody/something new.YOU are DEFINITELY not a failure.You have a beautiful baby daughter...how can you possibly be a failure!?!

thanks. I'm 36 in a week, and he's 37, so i guess we're not that young. i'm just so shocked that he's bought a houe behind my back. he says he wants to continue to live here with me & the baby whilst his house sale goes through...i can't cope with that really. he said today that our relationship would have been opay if it wasn't for the fact I'm so awful. i feel like i'm going a bit mad with it all. at the last counselling session he said he loved me & would think about giving it another go. when i saw him today i was so angry i lost it really, and then he started saying things about how awful i am and how this is why he's leaving me. sorry for going on...

thanks - do you think i'm being selfish saying that i would expec t him to go & live somewhere else whilst he's waiting for his house sale to go through? i just can't deal with him being here for the next 3 months or whatever whilst he buys his house.

NO! Tell him to take his belongings and do one.

This thread has made me fume. Imvho I think he only went to counselling with you to buy some time. Time to get strong. Calm, strong and together. No more tears and crying, do all that by yourself. Men who have fallen out of love with you DO NOT CARE how much they hurt you, they have moved on and your pain does not affect them. He has thought very practically hasn't he, now you need to do the same.

Has he taken care of your living situation? Did he buy you a house for you and your dd to live in and be secure? NO he did not. He is not worth one more second of your time and consideration.

My friend said to me when I was dying inside about my exh being unfaithful to me and a general all round pig of a man "stop thinking about it and get busy!" Best bit of advice I have ever been given. Clean out your cupboards, spring clean your house, whatever but when you start to feel overwhelmed, do something. It helps I promise. Keep posting here as well. Do you need any advice about benefits or anything. Just ask ok. I don't hug but patting you on the back right now .

Yes chuck him out (if you can, legally, though - whose name is the current house in?)
He wants you to carry on servicing him domestically while he has sex with other people, basically: it's a familiar script. And he wants to blame you for it all because he is a Man and therefore whatever he does is right and reasonable and women are all just uncooperative bitches who won't do what they are told...

I mean Time for you to get strong, not him. Think it sounded like I was saying he was buying time to get strong in that second paragraph.

SolidGoldBrass - How do you know all this stuff, about patterns in relationships and male entitlement etc. I would really like to learn more in a more structured way rather me posting angry, incoherent rantings on MN all the time?

omg, have heard it all now

what a selfish bastard

give him a bag, tell him to pack it and fuck the fuck off

he will have to sleep on somebody's floor til the house sale goes through

please do no be a mug, he wants a domestic servant for as long as he can

you can bet your bottom dollar he has another "slave" lined up for the new place...

sunfleurs- well I am middle-aged which helps.. also am a ball-biting feminist and see this stuff going on a lot.

thanks for the messages. i'm not sure he's expecting me to clean up for him & stuff....but i take the point. he says he doesn't have anywhere else to go & that this is his house. we are join tenants on a rental agreement until november. we both just sold our houses a couple of months ago with the aim of pooling our money & buying a house together. I went back to work this week & am being made redundant on wednesday (we knew this would happen months ago...) so I can't get a mortgage. he says he's buying this house cos his job is uncertain & he needs to look after himself as thigns are so bad between us. he isn't a nasty person...but i still can't belive he's done this. The trouble is in the whole saga I'm becoming so obsessed with what he's done/doing/thinking etc, and tryign to make myself not hurt, i can't even think straight to work out whether I actually want this myself. plus today I'm worried that he's going to try argue that he needs to look after our baby 50% of the time or somethign, which i guess is wholly reasonable but I feel so anxious at the thought of it.

sorry for rambling again.