Am a regular but namechanging for ... well, I'm not altogether sure. I just feel the need to pour my heart out on a page and MN seems the kindest and most appropriate place for that.
Potted history - been with DH 10 years, 2 dcs. Tempestuous relationship to put it mildly involving elopement, a termination, estrangement from families, trips to police stations to deal with false allegations, solicitors, social workers the lot. When things calmed down somewhat, we decided to have first DC who was four months old when I discovered DH had been exchanging texts with an OW. We bumbled on for another year (I forgave him obviously) when I discovered he had done it for a short period again with the same OW. She had no idea he was married he said, just texts blah blah blah.
In the years after I found various other things which made me suspicious - a ripped empty condom packet in a suit which hadn't been worn for a while, various phone numbers in his wallet, even a flirty text sent to a client last year. No concrete evidence of cheating and I always brought it up with him straight away and he'd always have an explanation - except for the flirty text, he 'fessed up that it was stupid and swore it was a one-off.
Now I'm on maternity leave with DC2 and to say I'm struggling would be putting it mildly. I've turned into a raving lunatic frankly - mostly due to lack of sleep but, when it comes to him, I see red at the first sniff of any trouble. For example, I blame him because he gave the new neighbour a lift home the other day and she has since blanked me twice when I said hello. He recently (because of my persuasion) used my hairdresser and now she's being all weird and of course, I blame him. Other things are setting me off - he disappears for an hour at a time without any notice although he's always contactable by phone and it's never long enough to do anything iyswim.
Things came to a head a couple of months ago when I found his old mobile phone bill and realised that not only had he been texted this OW but ringing her quite frequently (sometimes before he'd spoken to me). After copious nagging from me, he gave me full details of what went on with this OW four years ago. It was, by his account, just nasty talk. He admits it was wrong, apologises over and over again, is understanding when I go all mental and paranoid, although he does sometimes hit the roof first and accuse me of being controlling. He is being supportive of my current bonkers state - taking the kids when I need a break, making meals, helping when I ask him....
So fast forward to today - he gave me his old mobile 'cos mine packed up. Message came up "inbox full" so I duly went ahead to delete messages. I found this from two years ago "[name] can u phone me plz mising u" and then another from the same number three weeks later "I wil cal u later".
I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Even though it's two years ago - how stupid is that. I called the number but got the unrecognisable recorded message so presumably that person changed their phone number. There is another message sent about a week after just saying "hello" from a different number but sent again an hour later. I tried that number and it was a woman - I hung up immediately, stupid fat old mare that I am
So my dear MNers, I am officially gutted. It seems that the options are thus:
- He never actually broke off text rship with OW from four/five years ago. It carried on and, for all I know, could well be carrying on now.
- He got it on with a different woman entirely. Could be short-term or not.
- Could be a friend/colleague/mad obsessed stalker...
Crucially, I haven't told him I found it. This is so different from normal - I would ordinarily screech like a harpee, we'd argue and then we sit and discuss it. But I'm so wary of doing that this time. Partly because it was two years ago and we're really really trying hard to make a go of things. Partly because inevitably I will be accused of "digging for gold" and effectively policing his every move. Partly because he'll come up with some faintly ridiculous but partially plausible explanation which I will then feel obliged to swallow.
I don't know what to do I feel sick, I feel shaky - par for the course these days except this time it's not all in my head it seems. I'm so angry with myself and I'm so angry with him - why can't he just leave me be if he doesn't want me. It's not enough to feel fat, ugly and socially inept - apparently I need to be kicked in the guts on a regular basis with things like this which make me feel utterly bereft and strangely numb.
Can I salvage this? Is there any point bringing it up with him? Shall I just mark another notch on his bedpost and secretly plan my escape? Should I hire a freaking private detective to follow my darling husband's every move when he's barely out of my sight??
FFS - am irritating myself here. Will post this nauseating pile of drivel and hope I'm not flamed! Hopefully there's a friendly ear....