Ok, can level headed people please come forth with their views...?

[McMummy]

Ok - I am a regular, but namechanged.

DH and I have been married 11 years. He has never been an "in touch with himself" kind of a guy - but has generally been a very supportive, and kind guy. He's the one who is always helping others out etc.

There have been some issues ie) keeping secrets. A few years ago I found out he was going skiing with friends by looking at his credit card statement. Even though we agreed he wouldn't go, and that we needed to put our finances in order.
A few months ago I looked on his facebook inbox, and there were emails between himself and a 19yo girl (who apparently he had met at a festival) arranging, then un-arranging (due to his day getting a bit crazy) to have drinks while he was in that city on business. I found out a few months after - but he had never gone. I would have been jealous if he told me, but I would have dealt with it. Its the secrecy that bugs me.
Anyways, I told him I was very upset about it, and we had an arguement. He immediately said that it was my fault as I don't sleep with him enough. I suggested separating - and he said that he would run up loads of debt, quit his job, and basically do a runner. I asked if he would really do that to the kids - and he replied "no, I would do it to you"

I was so shocked. Actually, shocked doesn't even cover it.

After days of me being upset, and him saying that he just said it in anger - I said that I really think we need to go to Relate, otherwise I didn't know how I would get past it.

We waited for our appointment for ages, and with relief we finally got our slot. DH didn't love going, but did say he felt better after.

Anyways - He got invited to the same festival where he met the girl. They were all photographing it last year - so if she was there, there was a good chance he would see her. I tried to be "cool" about it, but I was upset. When he got back I told him I was upset. He responded by saying he "can't do anything right" and went to bed for a week. Said he needed to think about things.

We talked again, and he said he would rather leave me and the kids than go back to Relate. He said I was just being daft about everything - he didn't DO anything with the girl, and would never bankrupt us etc.

Now he's pretending everything is fine. I feel my formerly lovely dh is now 2 very different people, and I don't feel at all safe with him.

SO - any thoughts?

BTW - I only work part time, and all my family is overseas.

cestlavie - the kids are school age - so he just dropped off (as usual) - then picked up.

Mumcentre -I want to be with my old dh - the one that is kind and loving - not this manipulative man that I hardly know. Sadly they seem to be one and the same.

My gut feeling is that he wants to be with me, but finds the whole responsibility wearing. We married when he was possibly too young - so I think I have always given him slack because he has never really had time to just be young and free.

missismac is spot-on. do everything she says!!

No, lovely McMummy,

but I have been made to feel (allowed people to make me feel?) that I'm at fault or unreasonable, or unworthy, and scurried around trying to put things right for them, making too many compromises to excuse essentially completely disrespectful behavior on their part, when actually what I should've done was look to myself and my needs and had more self respect. Having kids toughened me up & though I've got a lovely fella now, and would go a long way for him my cutoff point is a lot lower. If I don't stand up for myself then no-one else is going to do it for me.

having said all that you do have to balance that with trying to work out what's going on with your DH if you want to save your marriage & move forward, I have found with my DH that sometimes when a situation is getting out of control & we're just talking at crossed wires all the time that taking a step back and pretending all is Ok for a while can give him a breathing space (& me the secret moral high ground!) which can enable better discussion of the issue at a later date.

I'm no expert, just school of life, but you sound lovely, giving and reasonable. I cringe that your DH is trying to make you feel otherwise, whatever his reasons. Trust your instincts McM - they're sound, and so are you. I hope you can work it all out.

"I want to be with my old dh - the one that is kind and loving - not this manipulative man that I hardly know. Sadly they seem to be one and the same."
Have you told him that?
I would definitely look at finances etc to make sure if he/you did leave you'd be OK, but because of the way I am I'd also need to take a step back (retreat to my Mum's with DD hours away) to see if I could see his point of view at all.
The line "you're not sleeping with me enough" is pure wank, but you bringing up the horrid thing about bankruptcy and taking kids that he agreed to go to counselling over and you said got settled sounds as though you didn't really get it settled?
Just a thought, does he do drugs at all? My DP became horrid after nearly a year on cocaine that I was unaware of (doh!) and if he went to a festival and got trashed on other substances he may need a week to recover.

Sorry, but he's a married man with all the responsibilities that brings, so cutting him slack to make up for the time he missed out being young and free, is wrong. I am sure you didn't drag him down the aisle? Nobody forced him to marry you did they? Because if he chose to marry you of his own free will, then he chose to be married and to give up the 'young and free' life. If your vows included the 'forsaking all others' bit, well, he also gave up the right to go seeking 19 year olds at festivals.

He may say nothing happened, but tbh, it sounds dodgy to me. If it was all truly innocent, why hide it from you.

You say you no longer feel safe with him and I think that you already have your answer there. When you stop feeling safe with your life partner, that is the time to get out IMO.
for you

Thank you all for your views. When he is adamant that I have no reason to be angry, then little tentacles of doubt start to creep in - its good to hear that my insticts aren't off.

Plimple - no, we have never really "settled" anything .
No - he doesn't do drugs. I'm like 99% positive of this.

I don't physically feel unsafe - just like I am living with a stranger I guess.

sayit - tbh, I don't think he has done anything, but I do believe that there was an intention to do something- which is enough for me really. He kept saying he "couldn't go through with it". I don't think an "innocent drink" is anything to "go through with"

It all sounds a bit crap

I wonder if you should look at the bigger picture rather than a few specifics. Are you happy? Will you be happier on your own? Could you sort the finances out so he cant damage them?

he sounds more like your teenage son than a husband!

yuk,this thread reminds me why i'm happily unmarried!
what about you in all this op?

How old is he now & how old when you married? It does sound as though he's trying desperately to hang onto his youth.

Sadly it's a bit late for that, he's a father and husband now.