Scared that DC2 is ruining my relationship with DS

[GoldenSnitch]

I love my son more than anything else in this world. We had a fab relationship. He was my little buddy - well behaved and loving, we were really close.

Then I got pregnant again.

I had morning sickness again and now have low blood pressure. I've been really tired and seem to have a constant headache, not to mention the dizzy spells and nausea...

It's turning me into a monster.

I've always tried to be gentle with DS. I was an abused child and I hate the thought of making him scared of me by shouting at him and have never wanted to smack him but just recently, shouting seems to be all I am doing. He's 2.4 and a proper toddler but it's never mattered before, I could always cope. Some days I find myself staring at the TV or computer while he plays alone on the floor cause I'm too zombie-fied to interact, even after an early night - This is not what I wanted for him.

I still take him to toddler groups and swimming but I feel like there is this huge wedge between us.

I shouted at him today. He's decided in the last week to stop napping and I am not coping. I took him upstaris and read him a story while he had his milk then put him to bedbut when I left he kept opening the door -so I screamed at him to go back to bed and left him on his bed crying till he fell asleep

When it came time for him to wake up, I went and sat next to his bed so I could give him a cuddle and say sorry but he looked at me and kicked me in the head!

I don't blame him, I'm horrid. I would want to kick me if I was him!!

I know it's because I'm tired but this isn't going to pass for ages is it. I'm only 17 weeks pregnant. I've got 23 weeks left and then we're going to have a newborn and I will be even more tired and by the time we get out the other end, my relationship with DS is going to be utterly irretrievable.

I'm disgusted at myself for being so horrid and heartbroken at the effect this is all having on DS. What do I do? I wanted him to have a sibling so they couild be close but all I've done is isolated him. I wanted the perfect 2.4 family but I've ruined it all.

Why am I such a terrible parent?

I haven't tried that - I will give it a go. Have just cleaned all the stainless teel bits in the kitchen - does that buy me a 5 minute sit down?

Everything seems like such hard work today. Just had to force myself to get a drink cause letting my hydration go down will make my blood pressure worse and I'll be feeling ill too!!

It certainly does. That or 15 minutes MNetting

If you were abused, have you had any counselling? If not, it might be worth getting some sorted out as feelings about these sorts of things tend to come out when someone is pregnant/with a new baby. You might not feel as down and angry with life then.

I've had years worth of councelling for the abuse and am as at peace with it as I am likely to get. Haven't seen my father for 13 years now and am confident that he doesn't know my married name, address or the name of my DH or DS. I think he knows I live in MK and the parents of a friend told him I was pregnant last time so he knows I have a child but no details. I don't think he could find me so I feel quite safe. It helps that my Mum divorced him 10 years ago so I can now have a relationship with my family without having to avoid him.

The only time I feel it impacts my relationship with DS is when it comes to discipline. But luckily both DH and I are anti-smacking so it doesn't come up other than when I get very frustrated and feel like I could loose control. Even shouting makes me feel bad.

I'm never going to be "over" it because I think never having a "Daddy" is too big a disappointment to totally recover from but knowing I picked a wonderful Father for my children and watching them love and play together certainly helps to heal the wounds.

sorry to hear it's been so hard GS. You sound like you are doing incredibly well given your background - it would have been all too easy for you to end up in an abusive relationship too.

My father never abused my mother - in fact he adored her. He adored her and both my sisters and my brother - it was only me that got hit and bullied. I suppose in one way that was a good thing because I grew up in a normal household, I was just the odd one out.

Luckily DH's family are fairly normal and we live much, much closer to them

Goodness, you have had it rough. I am really sorry about all that GS. I'm glad to hear you can be so generous about it. I never really thought there might be a connection between abuse and depression. But I suppose it makes sense. I was sexually abused for years (by a family friend) and my DH suffered with physical abuse from his Dad. Both of us are a little bit obsessed with trying to make sure DS (and probably new DC) has a safe enviroment to grow up in. Both of us are prone to depression.

Perhaps one of the side effects of abuse is that it robs you of your self confidence? This makes us prone to be more harsh with ourselves?

There are a lot of people who had it a lot worse. I'm very lucky to still have a relationship wiht my mother and siblings, to have a wonderful husband, a gorgeous little boy and another baby on the way - I just have to remember to remember that sometimes...

Sometimes I think all my father wanted to do was ruin my self confidence. His favourite phrase was "people ony like you cause they don't know you well enough to hate you yet" - that's been the hardest one to live with. Makes long term relationships nerve wracking for me. Actually, Facebook helped. Meeting lots of people who I had known as a child but hadn't seen for years and realising that they still liked me enough to want to meet up again!! It was very weird but lovely.

Playdate definitely made today easier - even when DS was being difficult. Even admitted to a couple of my friends that I'd been feeling a bit down. That was a big step as we've only been friends for a couple of years so they've never known me be depressed. Glad it's the weekend now. DH is home and I will be seeing Mum and all siblings this weekend. Should get some help with DS and some company too

I can't believe your father said that to you. Were you the oldest? that is truly horrific & probably even harder for you as you were the only one.

I was the oldest Botty. It's never been confirmed but I've always believed that he hated me because I took my Mum away from him. I was technically her second child after she'd become pregnant at 16 and been forced to give the child up for adoption (as was the way with unmarried mothers in the late 60's) She got to hold the other child once because a nurse felt sorry for her and I guess that when I was born, I became a bit of an obsession as she tried to make up for the child she'd lost. There is a letter he wrote just after I was born saying how beautiful I was and how he was goig to love and take care of me for the rest of my life but as I never remember not being scared of him, it can't have lasted long.

I have vivid memories of being stared at full in the face and being told "I hate you", him trying to kick me out when I was 11 or asking me to stab him with a breadknife when I was a young teenager but not a single one of being loved.

I guess by the time my siblings came along, he'd already 'lost' her so it didn't seem like the others were as much to blame.

But I feel more sorry for people like Catitainihatita who were sexually abused. My Dad simply hated me with every fibre of his being but for someone to hate you enough to want to force you to do something which is supposed to be loving must be far more complicated to reconcile, as an adult and definitely as a child!

I'll always worry that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that would make one of my parents hate me so much and the other not care enough to stop him but as I get older, I can find more reasons to see they were wrong (long term friendships, marriage, learning the falability of parents by being one) - sexual abuse must be so much harder to come to terms with...

I think any kind of abuse is difficult to deal with. It takes a long time come to terms with it and work out a way of living with it all everyday. But it can be done. I'l always consider myself very fortunate also for all the good things that have happened to me. I prefer to think about those tbh.

I hope you had a good weekend GS. We were very very busy...

I had a lovely weekend thankyou Catitainahatita.

Saturday, we took DS and one of our nephews out to the local fire stations open day which they both loved. Seeing thier excited faces was good for cheering me up DS saw Fire Engines which are his favourite, had an ice cream and got a balloon.

Sunday, I ended up not seeing one sister cause she sold her house and had to go house hunting but the other sister, my brother and my Mum came down. Brother ran the half marathon in MK in just a minute under his PB so we celebrated by going out to dinner. DS was super well behaved and ate loads which made me feel good. Afterwards, me, sister and brother went shopping while DH and Mum took DS home for a nap and we bought DS some new Playdough stuff which he played with when he got up and loved.

I was very tired afterwards but DS had had such a lovely weekend with so many hugs and kisses and so many people to play with that I felt like a much better Mummy than I have done in a long time. I even got told off for carrying a big box of books about which is the first time anyone has treated me like I'm pregnant this time. I've spent so much time 'getting on with things' that I've had no time to just enjoy being pregnant which is probably why it's been feeling like such a chore!

MIL had DS for a couple of hours this morning so I could go maternity bra shopping and again, it was wonderful to wander round, hand on bump, just enjoying being pregnant rather than lugging around and placating a bored and wriggly toddler and she's said twice while I was picking him up that if she's at home (she has Mondays and Fridays off work), she's happy to have him anytime if I have chores to do

He's had a lovely morning cause my niece and nephew were at MIL's too and he's gotten to do lots of playing and was so tired out when we came home that he actually asked me to put a nappy on him!! (he's recently potty trained and only has nappies for sleeping) That's helped too cause I've had a couple of hours to myself at home. That's 4 days running he's napped for now! I'm sort of hoping this means that last week was just a blip and he's not dropping naps after all.

So I'm feeling a little bit recharged after the weekend and a little bit less sorry for DS as he's had loads to do. We've got a playdate tomorrow which should be good and the first time I've got him alone is Wednesday. At least the Groundhog day feeling has gone now...ready to start afresh

Glad you had a busy weekend too - was it good?

Well, the good Mum bit didn't last long.

Tonight DS wouldn't go to sleep. It's 9.18 now and DH has just gone up to see to him cause I get so fed up of him being up and that I chucked all the sheets and blankets he'd removed from the drawer under his bed, plus the teddies and pillow he'd added to the pile out into the hall and dumped him back in his bare bed to cry. I sat outside the door and everytime he opened it, I just shut it again.

Cue screaming and tears and no hope whatsoever of him going to sleep.

At one point DH asked me "what is wrong with you tonight" which made me feel like the worst mother ever.

He's right too. I knew it was mean but I'd run out of energy to deal with it.

He's going to Berlin for a lads long weekend in a few days and I'm actually scared of being left alone with DS!

5 mins with Daddy and all is quiet again. I'm useless

You are not useless at all. Toddlers who don't want to go to sleep (or do anything at all)are very wearing indeed. The fact that your DH may have managed to calm him down only perhaps indicates that your DS was finally tired out.I'm not sire you did anything wrong in shutting the door on him, tbh. He needed to go to sleep. He was just playing up with you there in the room with him and would have continued doing so if you had stayed. Please don't beat yourself up about it. DS is testing your boundaries and it's hard work for you. It does not mean you are a bad mother at all. Things like this happen to mothers of toddlers every single day.

Plus ignore your DH comment.He was just fed up that he had to get off the sofa and help.

I hope you are feeling better today. I had to take my Ds for some blood tests (he needs an operation)this morning and it was hell. They ouldn't get all the ssmple from ne arm and so had to take it from both. he was most upset, poor love. Plus he got blood all over his vvest (and my clothes) and so they need soaked and scrubbed if the stains are ever to come out.

You might be right about DH. He's been engrossed in some stupid game on the net for a couple of weeks now and had to stop playing to go and see to DS. Tonight, we've been leaving him unless he's crying. I can cope with him quietly playing in his room as long as he knows it's time to be there quietly. I still got annoyed when I tried to lay him down in his bed and he kept sitting back up immediately but I didn't let it get to me tonight. I'm hoping if we're consistent, that he might be over this by the time DH goes away. I've asked my Mum today if she could come down and spend a couple of days with us while DH is away - just waiting for her to get back to me.

I hope your DS is OK and that it's not a major operation. That must be so awful for you as well as him. I remember feelign awful when DS had to have his jabs, blood tests must be so much harder not to mention the thought of a GA!!! My heart goes out for you....

Went up and checked on DS when I popped to the loo - found him asleep on his changing mat! Ah well, at least he was asleep!

Perhaps the changing mat is comfier than bed! Anyway, I'm gad ot hear that you didn't have the same problems in getting him ot sleep last night.

DS has a plumbing disorder in his testicles that needs tobe fixed (the right one os full of liquid and also needs to be drained). It's not major operation (the surgeon says it will be no more than a cm scar) and he'll should be in only the one night. I'm trying ot be sensible about it. But is difficult to see him have to go through all this.

I hope your mum can come acrss when your DH is away!

I hope not! Changing mat is a cheapo Mothercare one and his mattress was the most expensive one we could buy from Toys R Us!!

He was all sweaty when I picked him up too from sleeping on the plastic.

He's had no nap today so I'm hoping that he'll be nice and tired for bedtime. He didn't show signs of being the least bit tired today so I didn't push it and we both stayed happy. He's been really sleepy the other days and has definietly needed a sleep. I think we might be getting into a new, every other day routine for naps now.

We've had a nice day though. We went to toddler group this morning and we've painted and played with beads and read books today. Not bad to say it's raining and miserable outside.

Spoke to my Mum too and she's definitely coming down when DH goes away which is a relief!

My friends little boy had a Hydrolock in one of his testicles as a baby which they thought would need to be lanced - ouch! but in the end it was sorted with AB's.

Poor you and DS having to deal with all those needles and a GA. Friends of mine who've had to go through operations on thier little ones say the GA is the hardest. I hope it's all over quickly for you both. Maybe try to keep remembering how much better he'll feel afterwards...?

Good luck to you both.

Bad day today. Maternity bra shopping left me in tears.

Did last time too

For the maternity bra fiasco. I hate bra shopping in general as it makes me fee very inadequate. I am a 36AA normally which is not something you find in the shops. At the mo I have 36A quite nicely, but this is at 25 weeks. Last time I still was in my teenage starter vesty things. I think I may need a bigger one once DC2 shows up. Damn.

DS is being taken in to hospital tomorrow, so I won't be around.

If you could do with tea and sympathy... you can always try a long running thread that i have found most supportive and welcoming.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/774621-Tea-Room-the-Ninth-I-love-rock-a nd-roll-put

It may be longrunning but it is not a clique or anything of the sort. They are welcoming of allsorts, even those of us expecting DC no. 2.

Otherwise, I hope to be back at the weekend.

And thanks for your good wishes.

For the maternity bra fiasco. I hate bra shopping in general as it makes me fee very inadequate. I am a 36AA normally which is not something you find in the shops. At the mo I have 36A quite nicely, but this is at 25 weeks. Last time I still was in my teenage starter vesty things. I think I may need a bigger one once DC2 shows up. Damn.

DS is being taken in to hospital tomorrow, so I won't be around.

If you could do with tea and sympathy... you can always try a long running thread that i have found most supportive and welcoming.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/774621-Tea-Room-the-Ninth-I-love-rock-and-roll-put

It may be longrunning but it is not a clique or anything of the sort. They are welcoming of allsorts, even those of us expecting DC no. 2.

Otherwise, I hope to be back at the weekend.

And thanks for your good wishes.

oops

I have the opposite problem - I'm normally a 30G and they're only going to get bigger!!

Went to Bravissimo who specialise in bigger busted women (their bra's start at a D cup) and still got made to feel like a freak when nothing fitted comfortably.!! Then was rushed out with the first thing that fitted even though they promise you can try the whole shop on if that's what it takes. Have written a complaint e-mail to the company. They're usually lovely, but today was horrible.

Good luck for tomorrow. I hope both you and your DS get through it as smoothly as possible.

I see why this could be a problem. You obviously don't have the option of just not bothering, which is my default reaction when I can nolonger find anything at all. That or vests/vest tops.

I hope you have more success another day (and more fun too!) I do have a mate who absolutely adores underware shopping and buys matching stuff all the time. She says she finds trying on fun. But perhaps she is normal and we are just freaks

If you sounded sufficiently annoyed in your email, perhaps they might even off you a voucher or something to apologise [hopeful emoticon]

No, not bothering would result in my tripping over them .

Have had an apologetic email back with promises of it being forwarded to store and area manager! Never going to be able to go back as they'll all hate me now!!

Hope today is going well for you and your DS...