Help! how do I save my relationship

[stilldazed]

which was great until DD arrived 2 months ago....

DP said yesterday that our relationship was never going to be as good as it had been before DD arrived....I expected things to be hard at first but thought we were strong and DD would bring us together in a different way.

I'm breastfeeding and obviously not getting much sleep and I think I feel resentful that his life hasn't changed that much. He says I can't stand to be away from DD for more than 5 mins...(This due to BF!).

I'm feeling isolated, he doesn't help me much with DD and I think i'm pushing him away because I'm angry that he can sleep/go out/go to the gym basically carry on with the life he had before.

We haven't had sex since the birth at first this was because I was sore (I had an episiotomy) and now it's because I'm nervous that things aren't the same down there!

Please,please give be some tips/advice, on how to save my relationship before it's too late.

Haribo - what you are saying is very very sensible. It does not sound old fashioned at all. It sounds adult and sensible. DH in this case definitley needs to do more though around the house and he probably wants to but does not know how.

stilldazed - a trick I pull on the house cleaning front with DW when she is coming home from being out all day is just make the rooms tidy that she will be seeing. In other words, make the bedroom and ensuite bathroom tidy, the kitchen where our entrance door is tidy and th edishes in the dishwasher, and then tidy the lounge where she will sit and watch TV. They do no need a full clean - just a tidy. The rest can be a tip but she will never see it. Exactly as Haribo says - it only needs to be one room where DH mainly wil sit and eat. There really is nothing more disheartening than coming home to a messy house after day at work. He could clean the rest at the weekend - as a fair recognition of what you are doing.

Bathtime with the baby is a wonderful idea. I used to really enjoy going in the bath with DS1 and DS2 when they were very small babies. Lots of skin to skin contact in warm water. Very memorable. It needs you to hand DH the baby and take it off him when he gets out as it is dangerous trying to get in and out of the bath holding the baby but after that he can dry and dress the baby after while you relax and have a bath/shower on your own for a bit and do yourself a bit of pampering that you probably do not get time for during the day.

Thing will get better and before long you will both be thinking about DC2.

Does DH have any male friends or family who have been through the new dad thing? Maybe he needs another bloke to reassure him and get his confidence up about the highs and lows of being a dad. Especially if it is someone who is "hands on" with their baby. Good luck with it all.

I feel for you hon, I could have written your post myself except for me its our 2nd child and we are arguing all the time too. He refuses to discuss it with me, just looks bored

stilldazed - my house is a bit of a tip at times and DH doesn't moan, I would love to be an organised housewife too! Try leaving DD with him between feeds sometimes (I know it is hard & you don't feel like you want to). Even if he takes her for a walk with the buggy or in to the garden or another room - just so you can relax yourself or so that you can focus on cleaning if the house is bothering you. I think him bathing her sounds like a nice idea. DH shares the childcare when he comes in from work, because he wants to play with the boys. Even when they were newbies, he would have them lying on his chest etc.

I was ok to have sex 6-8 weeks after each birth, you could always stop if it was uncomfortable. The fisrt time after each DS was a bit worrying just in case it was painful!

Ok, so if you could try to go out together just for a few hours, feed baby, run out of house, go to local pub together, eat a meal, come home. It really does help to do something together. I do get the worry about sex, but it really does help that feeling of a connection that isn't just about the baby. If he is a good man, talk to him about your worries about sex (of course, if he is not a Good Man no need to do any of this!)

When DC1 arrived, it was not unknown for DH to get home from work at around 6.30 tp 7pm and be asked ' do you want to feed the baby or cook the dinner?'. Occasionally the baby was literally thrust into DH's arms as soon as he walked in the door, just so I could go and shower and get dressed! I still don't know what I did all day, all I know is that whatever it was, by that early evening I was knackered! However, it does get better and things do level out! Of course your relationship won't be what it was before, it will be different, but that doesn't automatically mean it will be worse! You are parents now, and sometimes ( and often at the moment) that will be the thing that defines your relationship. But you will find ways of being a couple as well, it just means that whereas you maybe used to go out together, you will have date nights at home instead. Once the baby is more settled and into a routine, you will find opportunities to enjoy sex again during the day at weekends etc. And yes, the advice is usually to wwait until after the six week check, but that doesn't mean that everybody is ready to get back in the saddle immediately at that point. For some it takes longer, occasionally a lot longer. It is definitely easier if your DH is understanding and gentle with you. If you feel pressured things will not go well.
The important thing is that you both want to workon and develop your relationship.

Oh, and don't worry about things not being the same 'down there'. No, they are not, but for the most wonderful of reasons...the baby you made together with your DH.

Good luck.

I second ABetaDad's first post, the feelings are all about communication and that means verbal and physical. Lack of intimacy will just lead to resentment.
Find some time to touch each other and to talk.