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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

does this make me a whore??

50 replies

imnotaslapper · 19/07/2009 09:51

Im sad

18 years ago I was a young 17 yr old girl,my friends and I used to go to a nightclub in town-I kind of used to knock about with a bouncer from the club-no sex,just snogging and stuff,this went on for a while and then I found out he had a gf so it stopped.

Shortly after in a drunken stupor I lost my virginity to another man (a bouncer)-to me in my youth everyone was doing it,i was just in that circle and that was the way it went,unfortunately his mates burst in after wed 'done it'and whilst I was embarassed,I im my young self assured way just left and whilst I did speak to him I was never up for a repeat.

Shortly after I met another bloke he was almost 20 years older than me,we have been together 17 years and have 3 dc -unfortunately he too was a bouncer ....and he was at the same club and he saw the incident above.

He knew this before we started dating.

The first man i describe we used to see quite often and he always says he loves me even in front of everyone and dh always says well there you go,shes mine and its a bit of a laugh.(hes even told dh i would never sleep with him).

Well last night we went out on a rare occasion in the pub we saw one of the old team - I dont particularly like him but I was pleasant- well youve guessed it!! he then went on to describe me a promiscuos!!! dh went to the loo and i bollocked this bloke who admitted himself it was nearly 20 years ago i wasnt with dh then and dh knew about it,he hadnt meant to say it but cos he was 'pissed' it just came out .

Dh came back and things were ok.

when we got home he had a go at me and called me a whore and now im dreading today.

I didnt hurt anyone only myself and dh knew all about this before we started its not fair bring it up,I think he should have just said to the bloke 'stop right there it was 20 years ago things change'.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 19/07/2009 10:29

he has a right to be upset...with the other bloke!!

what sort of man starts joking about his friends wife being promiscuous?? i think i would have thrown his pint over him and left.

as for him being angry at you im sorry but he'd be on the sofa for a long while.
and next time he asked for sex i'd tell him i wanted to see the money up front.

honestly he has behaved terribly.
don't you dare forgive him for a decent while

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/07/2009 10:35

Why should your DH be upset about this? Jesus this is awful. You had sex with someone 20 years ago, before you got together, which your DH knew about, and because some inadequate little prick in the pub brings it up your DH is angry with you and dares to call you a whore?

Don't put up with the cold shouldering. Go out - leave him to sulk the stupid fucker. When he decides he'll 'deign' to talk to you, then bollock him for being an unsupportive, cruel man and demand an apology for calling you a whore and not supporting you.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 19/07/2009 10:40

Is there any possibility it was a misunderstanding? That the bloke said things to your DH inferring it was more recent than 20 years ago? Keep in mind that this other guy sounds as if he has a crush on you, he might have exaggerated the scenario to your DH.

Testosterone combined with a bit of alcohol?

Agree with others -- he owes you a big time apology...

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2009 10:45

Is your DH generally a nice bloke? I rather doubt it actually as nice blokes don't behave like this. ANd you mention that you 'know' he will sulk for ages, so is he by any chance one of these men who uses sulks and tantrums to get his own way?
Your sex life before you were married is irrelevant - for whatever reason your H fancied bullying you and has used it as an excuse.

Original poster

imnotaslapper · 19/07/2009 10:50

Yes my dh is moody,usually im pretty chippy so I ride it out -dh is fine when we are chatting with blokes I know and he always laughs when the first bloke I mention says 'how did u manage to keep her for all this time?'- this other bloke is just a nasty thing in fact it was me who cut him short i said (baring in mind i dont drink a lot so im usually sober) ofgs fancy remembering that from 20 years ago has nothing so exciting happened since?'

I thinkdh is eith embarassed and avoiding discussing it this morning or hes saving it up for a row later - as since he got up hes been 'normal'.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 19/07/2009 10:56

why have you allowed him to be "normal"

how dare he. I think its very controlling to shout at you like that and then not spoeak about it this morning. he is making you walk on eggshells until he deems it necessary to argue with you again.

I think i'd get the children playing a game and then ask him where the apology is? he was way past accdeptable last night and that it is far from ok for him to just ignore that

Original poster

imnotaslapper · 19/07/2009 11:09

Its awkward really we have 2 teens and they have a friend sleeping over,my fil is due to visit at lunchtime too......

OP posts:

Mamazon · 19/07/2009 11:36

then go out and leave him to deal with it.

then text him and tell him he is bang out of order and you expect a full grovelling apology when you get home

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2009 11:54

Not at all. You are not a whore.

So your husband was a virgin before he met you was he? I don't think so.
I hate the way the women who dare to enjoy sex are called promiscuous and men who like sex are studs.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/07/2009 12:03

you are not a whore and you need to confront your husband about calling you one! Point out that you have both had sex prior to being together, that does not make you - either of you - whores!

I think it is more about him feeling that this other bloke is laughing at him / you. It's his male pride. He's taking it out on you.

It's unacceptable. How many men, secretly, think their partners should have been virgins when they met? More men than women seem to have a problem with not being the 'first' - ime anyway.

It feels like, for those people who have a problem with it, it is a possession thing. nobody else has possessed what they now 'own'.

Or perhaps I'm just in a bit of a mood this afternoon

Original poster

imnotaslapper · 19/07/2009 12:22

I think that whilst he 'enjoys' the fact I get on with all his friends he cant accept that I had a life before him - I wouldnt mind if I had of enjoyed it but it was just a daft moment in a silly teenage life,I do regret it but I chose to do it -I didnt owe anybody anything and its not as though dh found out about it later -to now start harping on is petty,the thing is all the other members of the 'team' who also know this happened never mention it,why should they? its irrelevant.

What I intend to do is carry on as normal and if he dares to start a row about it I will point out everything you lot have advised me- I shant argue back its not worthy of an argument -its none of his business.

The first bloke I mentioned is actually our ds godfather and dh chose him!!!

As it turns out I do know most of his mates not just from the club but from real life as we lived in the same area and as a bit of a 'clubby girl' i was often asked out- not bcos I slep around I hasten to add but bcos I was part of a group who were quite popular in fact 1 landlord gave us free drinks all night to stay in his pub bcos we had a laugh and encouraged other people to stay.

Its just bloody double standards isnt it.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/07/2009 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsGettingMarried · 19/07/2009 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sixweekfreak · 19/07/2009 16:40

see this is it - im now almost 35 and i mix in a different circle im a mum of 3 and i enjoy my family,he on the other hand is forever reliving the past with the 'night club days' etc etc.

As i said before I suspected he was going to start a row this afternoon so ive just told him straight that what i did before is no business of his and unless he has cause to worry throughtout the 18 years weve been together then really keep his beak out!!! ,I also told him that i think he should have told this bloke to shut up and that i did (i did as well and when he said he was sorry and offered to buy me a drink i told him no thankyou-i only drink with friends).

Hes quiet(for now) but thanks for all your support.

sliverchick · 19/07/2009 17:20

it takes two to tango do you honestly think that the bouncer you slept with 18 yrs ago is racked with guilt
dh owes you a HUGE apology

sliverchick · 19/07/2009 17:22

ok have you just namechanged to sixweekfreak

sixweekfreak · 19/07/2009 17:44

sliverchick this is why id be no good at lying...i cant even namechange correctly .....the bouncer i slept with 18 years ago died, he used to live near me and dh but he never spoke of it.

sixweekfreak · 19/07/2009 17:46

I am actually a regular poster and in real mumsnet neither 6weekfreak or imnotaslapper .

sliverchick · 19/07/2009 18:01

sixweek , you are same age as me , & i am with my dh 17years also & if he called me a whore over

something that happened YEARS ago
he already knew about this then i would ##boil his balls## be really pissed off , i would have accepted the drink & then throw it over him

sixweekfreak · 19/07/2009 18:06

I just wish hed have said to the bloke 'get over it it was 18 years ago' but he didnt and then when he had a go at me at home i was so sad.

sliverchick · 19/07/2009 18:23

my guess is your dh was embarrassed by what that other shithead fella said ,
but he was wrong to take it out on you ,
my dh stays quiet & lets his creepy brother try chat me up on family get together's it drives me mad , but that's men for ya
he is probably regretting it all now so try not bring it up again , but i still reckon he owes you an apology at the very least

PurpleOne · 20/07/2009 05:17

so its ok for your dh to hae history, but not you?
and it was 20 years ago!

did dh call you a whore?

i agree with reality really, he needs a good smack in the mouth for dragging up, and being upset at something which happened 20 feckin' years ago!
and you do not say sorry! NEVER

he sounds like a complete wanker tbh

ErikaMaye · 20/07/2009 05:24

You poor thing, that must have been so horrible for you No, you're not a whore. Try not to take what DH has said to heart until you've spoken to him about it. He was really really out of line, I hope you're not too upset. x

aRLcat · 20/07/2009 09:55

So many boys are spineless twits in front of their friends! So many men are not.

IMO he should have shown you the utmost loyalty and chivalry and absolutely not have been led by this other man into an attack on you. Fair play for setting him straight

As an aside, why are so many women here comfortable with terms such as 'boil his balls off' or 'needs a good smack in the mouth'?!

If a man on here made similar comments even in jest, he'd be absolutely flamed and rightly so!

drlove8 · 22/07/2009 17:27

WTF???? you have had sex with two men in the last twenty years, been faithful to your dh and been a good wife and mother. call me stupid , but i think whores shag a lot more men each night , than you have ever done.... and then theres the money.... they dont get laid if they dont get paid! lol ...as for your DH.. burn his dinner for the nxt 3 months... that will teach the muppet to act like a twat! he should grow up.

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