How do you sort out your marriage when you are miserable with everything

[thesockmonsterofdoom]

I dont even know where to start, could really do with siome advise.
DH is lovely, he is kind and caring and helpful. I am not happy and I dont really know why. we have talked aout it again and again but nothing changes, I think it is my fault not dh's. everywhere I look people are having fun I have fun, dh has fun, just never together.
Earlier in the year dh suffered with depression, he wouldnt get any help, he lodt his job. in the last few weeks he has started a new job and is really happy. I have also returned to work after 5.5yrs off.
I have been spending a lot of time with my single friends both withj and without dc and having a great time. I dont want to comne home at night.
This week I have been thining a lot about leaving dh, but I dont really know why, he hasnt done anything wrong, i am just bnored, I want to do stuff and have fun, dh is happy to plod along and be content.
Dh is away this weekend and I have decided to use the time to wiork out what I want.
If I did leave him I would lose everything, I couldnt afford our house, he wouldnt give me the dc without a fight. I dont want to lose everything but I dont weant to live the rest of my life just ok, ~I want to be happy. I can see that if I did leave dh I w9ould be far from happy, but if I stay I am not sure it is for the right reasons.
I dont want to ruin the kids lives because I am selfish.
I am a mess and I hae no idea what to do, do I brush it under the carpet and carry on, or do something that would have such enormous fall out.
I came of ad's about a month ago and am wondering if they have just been masking all this.
Last year my mum tried to cmmit suicide because she could see no other way out of her miserable life, I dont want to end up liike that, but i dont want to give her all the stress that anything I did would cause.
I thinnk I am just being selfish and having a midlife crisis or something.
Please give me your take on things.

aren't we all

Kind and caring and helpful sounds wonderful to me. I think you might be depressed. I also think you have come through something very difficult - his depression and redundancy. I think when things in life feel flat it can be tempting to throw everything up in the air but I'd try other things first.

he didnt get made redundent, he had to leve before he was sacked for incompetancy, due to depression.

see now I am being a bitch, I didnt need to share that info. I think a few things have happened over the last few months that have left me feeling quite resentful, only little thingsbut they keep coming back 8into my head.
#he didnt get me a birthday pressie, I am not bothered about material things, I got dc to do him a painting on canvas for his birthday.
Then he got so drunk at my birthday party which I had because we couldnt afford to go out that he wouldnt get up the next day and I had to do everything (it was agreed that I could stay in bed the day after my party), see all petty things that made me feel like he didnt really care about me. and after I have spent the last 6 months doing everything to try and make him feel better it really upset me.
I am too demanding, then a few weeks ago he went away for the weekend, I text him, thinking ~I might sauce things up a bit that way, he didnt reply for 2 days. I know e was just having fun with his mates but it really upset me.

smd - stop thinking about it too much. Write a few key points down - how about a list of whats good and a not so good list? There seems to be lots of positives but right now you are listing out the negatives in your head. Seems to me your relationship has become unbalanced and your dh seems to have lost his way a bit. have you got any nice stuff planned over this w/e whilst he's away? I know wether is crap now but can you go out with your DCs over the weekend and have a bit of cheap fun? You say you can't afford stuff but do seem to have weekends away / drinks party - at least agree on what budget you have for the fun stuff and spend it how you feel it should be balanced out 1/3 for each of you and 1/3 for joint stuff (or however you want to do it).

I once didn't get my DW a birthday present when we were having a not very good summer hols....

Well, it sounds as if he isn't that caring, kind or helpful after all. You feel resentful and you have been carrying a burden. It doesn't sound like selfishness or a mid life crisis to me. The last post sounds helpful.

if you said we need to go to relate because we are both unhappy - surely he would? its for his benefit too? i realise that it means accepting that you need outside help etc but sometimes we do. i just think life is too short to spend years being unhappy and none of us go in to relationships being experts - we fall for someone and hope for the best really. we inherit bad habits/ways of being from parents/role models and add a few more ourselves for good measure!

if he really wont then weekends away just the two of you? none of this is easy but then neither is separation so perhaps a few steps now would be worth while

Have you seen anyone to deal with the emotional fall-out from your mother's attempted suicide. I think this is a huge issue.

Mothers represent safety, love, security (even if yours failed to do this for you). When we are at our lowest, it is our mother's comfort we seek. The idea that your mother would choose to abandon you, her daughter, when you are also going through a hard time, must be almost unbearable.

On top of which, you clearly feel a need to protect her whilst being frustrated by her inability to help herself. In fact, you don't seem to recognise her role in her own unhappiness. 'Her cry for help was not answered'. Who should have answered it? It strikes me that you are exhausted 'parenting' quite a few adults.

The other thing that may be up is the fear that your life is, in some sense, mirroring your mother's. If she is so unhappy, I'm not surprised that you don't want to muddle along. Life's way too short to be miserable.

I do think midlife is a time when we take stock and that can be painful. However, I hope (being there myself) that it's also a time when we can let go of stuff that is no longer important to us and, if we are brave, create the life we really want.