desperately in need of some support

[madremia]

I have been married to my emotionally unavailable husband for 13 years and we have 4 children together, the youngest being 4 months old. We have had problems since the start, he has lied throughout and cheated once 7 years ago. I have tried everything but counselling to try to make him see how he hurts me and the kids with his emotional emptiness with us and the selfish things he does. If i went into everything he has put us through i would be writing forever so i will try and give a brief outline.

1 week after we got married i found out he was already engaged and still seeing the girl up until the wedding, I also discovered that he had huge debts that he had hidden from me. A few years into the marriage he was working abroad and living the single life while i stayed up calling his hotel room all night at least once a week and usually ending up getting a load of abuse at 5am. We still have large debts we are paying from his hotel bills and drinking. 4 years on he admitted that he had met a woman in the hotel bar and she had followed him to the toilet and they had sex, but that is the only time he has admitted to and that he was visiting strip clubs on other ocassions.

We have tried so hard to fix things and things change for the best but it only lasts a few months until he slips back into his habits. I moved to spain with him and the kids 2 years ago because he said our problems were down to the stress my family caused and now i am isolated, i am here with 4 children and no friends, i have nowhere to turn when he behaves the way he does. He works offshore for 2 weeks and is home for 3 weeks and so it is easy to slip back into family life with my kids when he is away.

In the past few weeks he has taken every opportunity to go out with his mates to get drunk, the last time he was home he was sarcastic to our daughter and when i tried to talk to him about it he walked away, i lost my temper and slapped him on his back as he walked off and this ended up with him grabbing me around the neck and continuosly banging my head off a doorframe, he has hit me a couple of times over the last 13 years but this time he has broken something in me, i think ive had some sort of breakdown, we talked and he apologised and the day after he had a course in Denmark. That night i ended up phoning his hotel room again all through the nite, when he finally called he said he had fallen asleep on the train and missed his stop and it took all nite to walk back, he knew i didnt believe him and then proceded to go out again that evening with the boys and get drunk again. 2 weeks have passed since then and i have calmed down a bit and got on with my life with the kids again and today he is due home, but last nite when he called he was drunk again. I know i need to get out as im starting to be unable to cope with normal day to day stuff with the kids and im finding it hard with the baby. He will never leave, last time he was home i packed my case and was going to leave the kids with him, luckily i came to my senses and i will never leave my kids. I need some practical advice or ideas about how i can do it though as my only option is to leave my house in spain and my dogs and return to my parents, which i really dont feel i can do as they have ongoing marriage problems and they are very self absorbed in them. Im totally reliant on him financially too so cant even just go and rent a place in the uk. Does anyone know if i return to the uk will i get help with housing etc?

I would think that help with housing would take time, so you might have to stay with your parents for a little while - but presumably that would be preferable to staying where you are, or in the UK in a hostel or something?

Once you are back, you will be able to get financial help, then find your own privately rented home, for which I think you will get financial help. I don't really know very much about housing benefit etc, sorry, but someone else will come along who knows the ins and outs. What i do know is that your situation isn't impossible to sort out - you might just have to take the leap though, and start the sorting once you are back in the UK.

it doesn't sound like much of a life for your or your DCs at the moment

Your life sounds terrible to be honest. What is the money situation like? can you sneakily get together a couple of thousand quid over say a few months? You don't want to turn up back here penniless - a few thousand would be enough to get you set up in a rented house perhaps near your parents.

Otherwise you will have to pack up and turn up back here and seek the help of the wa - he has been violent towards you and the situation sounds to be getting worse.

He is clearly living the life of a single man and to be honest he doesn't sound capable of ever being anything like a loving or supportive partner or father. He is clearly out shagging strange women on these trips and then insults your intelligence with his excuses.

No-one would be able to cope in your situation - alone with four kids in another country with occasional visits from this selfish bastard who contributes nothing.

Get some money together - get a bank loan or credit card in his name if you have to then pack up and get out of there - all of your lives would be better without him. Don't even bother telling him where you are going.

i cant get a loan or card in his name, he's blacklisted, im the one with a clean credit record but im not working at the moment. I am thinking about staying here for the next 12 months as my daughter is due to sit here gcse's here in may next year and i dont want to upset her, i think i could get money together in that time but im really not sure i will cope with it emotionally, i need to learn to detatch from him when we are in the same house and not be bothered by what he does anymore, just dont know if im strong enough to do it because im that reliant on him, that when he does make himself available to me i get taken in by it. I wish i could just turn to my parents but i know that my mum is in more of a mess than me and i dont think she could cope with the 5 of us descending on her in this situation, my parents end up arguing if i mention my marriage problems to them.

If i can manage to hold out for the year, is it worth me keeping a diary of his actions? I will look into WA though, i didnt realise that they may be able to help me, i suppose i havent considered myself as abused.

others may be able to advise you about the wa but of course you are abused - emotionally and occasionally physically.

A year is a long time to put up with this. Too long. Especially since you are going to find it very difficult to emotionally distance yourself from him. If you spend all night ringing his hotel phone you are only punishing yourself. You would have to stop that and let him get on with whatever he is doing for a start.

If you must stay until after your daughter has done her exams and if you can bear it just convince yourself you are already separated in your mind, start saving every penny you can get and put it somewhere he can't get it. Stop bothering about where he is on his trips away and what he is doing.

Of course as soon as you do this he will sense it and come running and be all nice to you for a while. Don't let that get in the way of your plans.

One day soon you will look back on this and regret the time you wasted hanging onto this relationship - don't let it be for any longer than it has to be.

Yes. Mrs boogie says what I was going to. I escaped a similiar situation with my 4 DC. I also mentally detached whilst in last few months with him. Save some money and get out.

Thank you for the advice i will see if i can stick it out and save. Mrsboogie i already regret the time ive wasted on this relationship so perhaps i can move on from there.

if you feel lonely and unsupported you can always post on here - lots of women have had ongoing threads with loads of support here. I would be happy ot give you moral support - I have been in the position where I have been ringing and ringing an ungrateful undeserving bastard of a man while he was out drinking and not giving me a second thought. I know how awful it feels and how you can't quite believe he cares that little for you and you have to keep on ringing in case it turns out he isn't quite the selfish f**ker he seems to be!

he was.

take care xx

Yep, great posts Mrsboogie. Good luck OP, just remember you can come here for support when you need it, ok!

madremia, some great advice here.

One other thing, can you get your hands on the book "Why Does he Do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You can order it from Amazon.co.uk using a credit card. Either have it delivered to your home when he is away, or to a friend's?

Read it - it will help you to understand what's happening to you, also to understand he won't change...and more importantly it will make you angry.

That anger will both calm you and sustain you while you are getting yourself together to leave.

Take a look at my thread here Madremia. Sounds a bit similar doesn't it? Lots of good advice on here. here.

You would get help with housing back in the uk. You might have to go into B&B first though but this doesn't last very long. You would be a priority with your dc. You could move back in with your parents and then apply to the local council. If you parents say they are unable to offer your a permanent home, which I am pretty sure is the case with you having 4 dc, you will be rehoused at some point although it might take a while. You can apply for benefits, it is not loads but it is enough. You WILL be able to manage.

On the Housing Benefit issue I can advise you if you let me know the ages and sex of your children.

The reason I ask this is because you can now find out the maximum rent for a private rental you can get covered for at the click of a mouse but it is dependant on the total number of bedrooms you need as defined in law and the area you intend to live in. This is called Local Housing Allowance. If you tell me the ages and sex of the DC I can tell you which bedroom rate you will get and then you can contact the local authority or check out their website where you intend to live for the exact figure for that number of rooms.

Based on you having no income and young children it is likely you will qualify for Income Support, Tax Credits and Child Benefit. If you get Income Support then you will be entitled to the full Local Housing Allowance rate for your bedroom requirements.

For example if you require 3 bedrooms and if the LHA rate is £150 per week for 3 bedrooms and you are getting Income Support then if you find a rental property for £150 per week you will be fully covered. If you find a property for £140 per week then you will get £150 per week benefit as it will pay you that rate as long as you are not getting more than £15 more than the rent. So if you find a property for £130 per week rent you will get £145 benefit (£15 maximum extra). If you cannot find a property for the LHA rate or less then the maximum you will get is £150 but there are discretionary funds which could top up benefit to help cover the extra cost.

I am using £150 as an example but it varies from area to area. At least if you know the rate you can start looking for suitable rental properties. Some areas are more generous than others.

Madremia do you have enough money for flights back home?

If you can get out sooner then I think you should.

You say he has a poor credit history and that you have no access. Does this mean you hold your money in joint accounts but he is the only person with a card/savings book?

I may be able to help with some advice about getting your money out of Spanish or UK banks.

I can't bear to think of you going through this for a minute longer than is absolutely necessary.

Message withdrawn

madremia: Your story is heartbreaking as it is clear that you have been very very loyal to DH and he is very very selfish/cruel. You have lots of very good advice above but wanted to say that I doubt that he can change so think only of yourself and your children. It will be difficult but you will eventually be in control and be happier. Very best wishes