Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sex problems

17 replies

sadandverylonely · 13/07/2009 20:53

Right, here goes. Don't know where to start really but feel like I've woken up to how things really are between me and my husband.

Back in August last year, after not having sex with my husband for ages (maybe three or four times in the past year) I decided to make an effort and make the first move and show interest etc.

This is so hard to write but he started to not be able to get or sustain an erection. We both blamed it on condoms and I thought there must be a physical reason.

So I went on the pill and DH had tests for cholestral (sp?). The results did show some raised levels.

Anyway fast forward over the next couple of mmonths. DH never made any effort with reducing his cholestral and continued to not make any effort to initiate sex with me. He was given Viagra so an erection was no longer a problem physically.

It has all recently come to the surface again this weekend. DD was away for the night and I wondered if DH would initiate anything. Nothing.

I tried talking to him, which always ends up one-sided with him saying nothing, and told him that I want to be with him and no one else but if things continued then I'd be looking elsewhere because I can't live my life like this. I know this may sound awful to some people.

Later in the day he gave me a long cuddle which I took to mean he had listened and would start to try.

I went up to bed that night at nine to read (something I never do) and by 11pm there was still no sign of DH.

We had a blazing row (again with him not saying much) which resulted in me getting very drunk.

I feel so hurt and disgusted with myself. I feel degraded that I am almost begging my own husband to have sex with me and not very pleased about how drunk I got either.

I have come to the conclusion that he's just not attracted to me anymore (something he very much denies).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadandverylonely · 13/07/2009 21:05

Sorry I havent explained that well in parts. Husband always claims he's too tired for sex which is why I was so upset that he hadn't come up by 11pm. He didn't come up like I said. I went down to him and found him on the playstation.

OP posts:

NewMember · 13/07/2009 21:10

Hi,

I can understand why you feel so upset and lonely over this. It is possible that your DP now feels uncomfortable, it sounds as tho he has gotten himself into a 'rut' and he may find difficult to get out off! This could possibly have had a hugh knock to his confidence and self esteem - maybe he feels unattractive - think of how soul destroying it is for a man not to sustain an erection - this could really have had an emotional strain on him!

However, as a husband he must realise what this is doing to you and your confidence! Have you both tried sex therapy? Maybe if he spoke to someone it would help him! Or what about making things more exciting i.e. a trip to Anne Summers etc!

This must be awful for you - although it sounds like the issue is about him and not you! Have a bit of comfort knowing its something he really needs to work through and get over! I feel for the both of you!

Prob not any help there, just did not want to ignore your post!

Original poster

sadandverylonely · 13/07/2009 21:20

Thank you for your reply.

I invested in some things from Ann Summers back in August and, yes they did help!

Its heartbreaking to feel that its always me trying to make things more exciting etc and that he's not really bothered. So hurtful.

We haven't tried therapy and if I'm honest I really don't want to go down that road (not knocking it for others)

Maybe I'm being too simplistic but I love my husband and am attracted to him so feel he needs to be honest with himself and me as to why there are problems on his side.

OP posts:

NewMember · 13/07/2009 21:26

How long have you been together? Is he quite young?

Original poster

sadandverylonely · 13/07/2009 21:30

No he's 39! We've been together 17 years. Married for 10.

OP posts:

NewMember · 13/07/2009 21:34

I think it sounds like his confidence is at an all time low!

He needs to realise it's a 2 way thing - you can't be running around making all the effort. Maybe he has lost himself a little bit, and needs some reminders of how life used to be i.e. romance/lust etc!

Would a weekend away help? Few drinks down his neck to make him feel more relaxed? Male toys... dressing up .... role play - all in gd fun obviously!

You should take yourself away for the day - treat yourself to a spa day! Sounds like u deserve it!

Original poster

sadandverylonely · 13/07/2009 21:40

Thanks for your comments. I suppose he's always been a bit unimaginative in bed so that's not a huge change. Its more his lack of ever wanting sex.

OP posts:

NewMember · 13/07/2009 21:45

Do you both have a gd relationship other than the lack of sex? Would you say you were both still in love with each other? If you answer yes to both of those questions, I believe you will get through it! Honesty and Communication is vital within a relationship, hopefully he will realise what did is doing to you both!

Dinnertonight · 14/07/2009 00:02

I understand how you feel. I have been with DH for 10 years and we rarely have sex. I have to beg, plead, cajole. I love him but he wants no form of intimacy. I sadly have decided I can't live the rest of my life like this, We have a young DS and DD and on the surface get on well so I will wait but have decided when both are at school then I will ask him to leave. I have tried discussing it with him, asked for us to go to counselling and he wont have any of it. He says he's too tired, or its my fault etc etc. It's a horrrible situation I can't imagine life without him but I'm too young to settle for a platonic relationship

BitOfFun · 14/07/2009 00:15

It's wrong for one person's wishes over something as basic as sex to predominate. This would be a deal breaker for me, but you need to talk again and find a way to communicate over this without rowing. If you want a full relationship which includes sex, and he doesn't, then you may have to start thinking about separating.

mrsmerryweather · 14/07/2009 09:04

Has there been a slow decline in his desire, or has it happened quickly?

How are the other areas of his life- is he depressed, stressed at work, having some kind of mid life crisis?
Is he overweight? Does he keep fit?

My DH is mid 50s and his libido has shot up (!) after taking up running, biking and the gym 3-4 times a week, though it was high anyway.

I think he needs to be honest- and he isn't being honest. He needs to tell you if he just doesn't fancy you any more (yes, hard to take, but you need to know) or if he doesn't have any sex drive any more- if it is the latter, then why?

IME when men lose interest in sex the reasons are emotional- unless they are overweight and unfit when it could be physically hard to get aroused.

Talk to him and suggest couples counselling with Relate if need be.

Original poster

sadandverylonely · 14/07/2009 18:41

Thanks for your comments everyone and I'm sorry you're in a similar situation dinnertonight.

In reply to your questions, yes we do get on and no he's not overweight (maybe a tiny bit).

He is generally quite a lazy unmotivated person (making him sound great aren't I?!) so I've been wondering if this extends to our sex life too.

Of course the overwhelming feeling is that it's me and I feel I'm not prepared to try anymore for risk of being hurt more.

I want to feel 'wanted' and loved and as it's always me that initiates the intimacy, it feels worthless when it happens anyway. I probably sound needy and weak but at the moment I'm determined not to crumble. Trying to be strong.

OP posts:

bandit1970 · 21/07/2009 14:36

Hi all
i have read all on this problem and i think as a man the following:

you man is lasy and no good, that play station should be smashed and your husband told to get off his lazy arse and satisfy you or else !!!!
put your foot down where it needs to and when and if he does well give praise

if this does not work move on because he is not worth it

i talk staight and sorry if it upsets people but tough
my wife and i talk straight to each other and it it hurts, that is tough but we work on our wrongs and get on with it

good luck

bandit1970 · 21/07/2009 14:38

Hi all
i have read all on this problem and i think as a man the following:

if this does not work move on because he is not worth it

i talk staight and sorry if it upsets people but tough
my wife and i talk straight to each other and it it hurts, that is tough but we work on our wrongs and get on with it

good luck

Overmydeadbody · 21/07/2009 14:56

Dinnertonight you should not wait till your children are at school before you end your relationship.

If you don't want to be with your husband you need to end it now, for everyone's sakes, but most of all for your children. The younger they are the quicker they will adjust and adapt and accept any changes in their lives.

regularlyoverwhelmed · 21/07/2009 14:59

I love bandits advice wis I could take it

just to let you know you aren't alone - I've been doing all the initiating now for years (also together 17 years btw), although last few years I stopped and left it to him, so we had sex maybe twice a month. WHich is better than never. Don't get me wrong. But not much! I did the whole ann summers, sexy lingerie, talking about fantsay stuff etc etc etc but while he'd react sometimes at the time there were also many times he jsut blatantly ignored my hints. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't there in a basque at the door every night waiting for him just every now and again I would suggest it (by text maybe, or just letting him know I had some nice new lingerie on) only to be ignored. I have now given up totally and even pretended to be asleep a couple of weeks ago when he reached over to my side of bed. TBH I think there is only one way from here. I am only 40 and like someone earlier in the thread it is a bit early to be settling for a platonic relationship.

Sorry for the splurge, I am going through a lot of heart wrenching myself at the moment, thinking very seriously about separating (he doesn't know this yet)

oh yes, we DID go to counselling, it made no difference. He agreed that it wasn't very nice to just ignore my efforts in one session, but no change.

I wish you luck. I hope that you get things back on track but also urge you nit to blame yourself. I had years of feeling crap about myself on this issue. You know what, it really isn't our problem. And having worked on it as a shared problem if they aren't prepared to put some effort in too then there isn't much choice left. Accept no intimacy for rest of days, have affair and get soem good sex, or leave. I don't want an affair so think we'll be splitting. Tbh I probably won't even want a relationship for a VERY long time after this. Except with my trusty vibrator

much sympathy. MUCH.

millyrosebud · 22/07/2009 21:09

Hi,
I am looking for some advice. . . . my 1st time on here!
My husband left me 10 wks ago as our relationship had become very unloving due to so many stresses and debt. we moved to scotland 2 yrs ago fron england and in scotland i have no support or family. He is staying with his parents. Originally after we split up i wanted to stay in scotland due to my new carreer, but recently have become very low and am thinking i would be better off moving back south. What worrys me is whether i could end up losing my children if i was to try and move with them and he tries to get custody by staying there where they are currently going to school??
Any advice???

Flip