mil and soldier toys issue-how to resolve clearly but politely

[violeteyes]

to summerise back issues/context

mil can be very touchy, very much expects her opinion to be accepted as the correct one eg where i should place my cooker etc-not just with me, with everyone
however, she is a fabulous grandma, loving, energetic,interested and also has been a different woman to me since i had the children, not actually showing this side of her character particularly and actually being supportive and encouraging, very much to my surprise i must add

i have tried to respond warmly to this change in our relationship, and have explicitly stated how i value her as a grandparent but also as a mother in law in this regard. she is not one to dwell on positives however....

current situation is that i have let a few things slide that are my preferences as regards dc-ds 2.11 and dd 12months as i do trust her with them, but now an issue has arisen where i feel very strongly and intend to get my rules followed-i/we are the parents and this our right and our duty

the situation is that inlaws, who are extremely local, have ds on tues 10-5 (he still sleeps 2 hours plus at lunch time so not as long as it may seem) and have started having dd 3-4.30 ish on weds. they don't work, and this situation has evolved over the years. i do value the break, especially the chance to have one-to-one time with the other, but the primary reason is for in-laws benefit, so they can build own relationship with children, children grow to know grandparents etc. what i mean is that i would be the one least likely to suffer without this arrangement if you see what i mean, inlaws and children be ones missing out

mil has daft amount of toys at her house for both dc, some passed on from sil who child mminds. last week she produced, when i was there a large box of soldier toys from sil, lots of small bits, lots of guns, tanks, camo jeeps, boats, soldier dolls etc. gave directly to ds, as sil not allowed because of ofsted. my ds is car/vehicle mad so very interested. asking what things were. mil said she would go through it later, remove broken/too tiny/too obvious guns

i said yes, we don't want them to have guns. she said they used to do that too, but no point, bil found using sticks as guns etc. i said yes, but i feel very differently about that sort of play than about guns as toys, let it drop, went home

i was angry at being put on the spot like that, but decided not to make a big deal of it at all. spoke to dh, he much less bothered but agreed not toys we want for ds. decided we say we didn't want him having anything from that box as not 'age apropriate' - box handed on from 10 yr old boy anyway. we thought this pretty tactful.

dh spoke to mil today when she came over for coffee for dd birthday. i wasn't in room. in his words 'didn't go down very well' not trusting her as a grandmother, she has been through the box already etc being silly etc

so. i intend to stick my ground. partly because i do feel strongly enough about this particular point and partly because i want her to respect both me and dh as parents.am i being silly?

That's interesting, Bruffin.
Personally, I'm OK with the idea of DS playing with guns.
I played with them as a little girl (preferred playing with boys), and I haven't, to date, run amok through the streets of Oxford with an AK47.
I think it's in our nature - I'm running the opening scene of Space Odyssey (ape chucking bone) through my mind atm, and I reckon it's better to address and learn to deal with aggression rather than repress it.
I remember playing war, and to my mind, it seemed to help with negotiating skills, which little boys may well need help with .
Guns seem to get a raw deal, as there's toy light sabres/swords/lasers/axes etc etc

@sparklybaubles - screaming with laughter...

although i don't like toy guns etc it is more the real rather than symbolic vioence that results when kids get beyond pointing the gun and saying 'bang' and go on to (like my sister did) making a lego crossbow powerful enough to break windows and inflict real pain (it's in the elastic).

MILs gnerally put the wind up most people, staying polite and calm probably the best policy (however annoying they are).

As a thought experiment, imagine your little boy had gone to a friends to play with guns, would you tell off that friends parents?

Impressed with your sister, opinionated! Is she working in a secret government lab somewhere now!?
I think the OP's MIL has tried to compromise and do the right thing, deffo, so I think....just let her DS play with the tanks etc at her house.

Hi violeteyes glad this has been useful.

And don't worry about being precious, that's what first-borns are for

This thread is really interesting; my dh is in the RN and as such we go on the warships a lot and have done ever since ds1 (4) was born. At the top of the gangway on most ships there is a sailor with a big gun (no idea what type) and ds1 and ds2 are increasing interested in it, the lads are usually really kind and will let the dss look closely at the weapon and chat to them and I explain it in the context of it being their job to keep the baddies off dads's ship. I am ok with all of this and see it as a learning experience.

Last week though my mum sent ds1 a Royal Marine from the new HM Forces range as she thought it would be sweet as daddy is in the Navy etc etc and I was fine with the doll, the canoe, the helmet and the useful box but removed the 2 guns before he was allowed to play with it. I let him play with toy knights who have swords and he is always making 'shooters' from Lego etc so why am I so funny about guns?

Perhaps we just get funny hang ups in our mind without really thinking about it rationally?

Anyway, lots of really interesting posts and food for thought (for me anyway!)

I know exactly how you feel but I would let it go in your shoes.

I am a card carrying, guardian reading liberal; have never given DS guns or any violent toys or let him watch that kind of stuff on TV.

He is now 3.5 and is constantly making guns out of lego and trying to kill monsters, me and his little brother

Breaks my heart but apparently its the testosterone you're fighting, not your MIL.

It sounds to me like she is making a real effort and you have to give her a bit of leeway. That's what grandparents are for, to let your children do what you don't.

fruitstick I know it's only a turn of phrase, but don't let it "break your heart !" Boys are great - in all their complexity - it's not all testosterone and fighting, though this is part of who they are and how they develop.

Mine are 6 and nearly-9 and whilst we still get a few kung -foo kicks from the younger one, the guns and killing thing has died down

fruitstick does that mean you wouldn't let him watch transformers, spiderman, star wars, power rangers, ben 10, robin hood, action man etc?

do you ban swords, light sabres, bows and arrows and water pistols as well as toy guns?

I was bought up as a Quaker, Quaker school etc and violent toys are a no no in my home. However if ds wants to build his own out of lego, sticks, anatomy(!) then thats just how it is. It passes eventually and I try not to make a big thing out of it.
My heart breaks if I see a small boy in the street with those really realistic guns I always want to break it over my knee.
I just feel as women we bring life into the world we should try to protect and nurture it. Slate me for my socks and sandals by all means

mermaid no, I agree about the realistic looking guns. I live in inner London and gun and knife crime are reported every week in my borough

I have 3 boys and it is impossible to outlaw guns; as people say they make them. They grew out of it and are very peace loving teenagers. I would assume that your DH isn't a violent or gun loving man having been brought up by MIL?

I found it best not to make it into a big issue. I didn't buy them myself but I didn't try to control others.

sparkley Missed your post. LOL

Freud would be turning in his grave

(reminds me of the time when DS1 put my wedding ring on his willy)

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-504992/Why-boys-allowed-play-toy-guns.html

I am not keen on guns and such like just because my ds 1 always got a bit over excited and games turned silly. Was the same with anything long, e.g sticks, toy golf clubs etc.

I have not encouraged guns but he has had them. The fact is boys like that sort of play and you cant change it!!

I only had a sister so it was alien to me, and i have never encouraged it as a parent but my ds1 loved(and still does) that sort of play.

He had a million different action men, spiderman etc and always played battle games. He loved those tiny soldiers to play with in the bath.

And as another poster has pointed out, would you ban water pistols on holiday?

I used to be nursery nurse and kids would make pretend guns from plastic carrots. Is there any difference.

Doesnt turn you into a gun weilding maniac!

Interesting article, even though it is from The Daily Mail

I think that as women, it can be hard for us to find a good balance and not quash our sons natural exuberance (not all boys like weapons - DS1 doesn't).

I would hate a society where boys grow up feeling somehow "wrong"

screaming, I was probably over egging the pudding. I really don't see it as that much of a big deal.

I was just surprised at how quickly my DS turned from a gentle, caring 2 year old into a gun wielding 3 year old almost overnight.

Obviously he is still adorable.

He does have swords, although I do still doubt the wisdom of a particular friend who bought him a wooden sword as a big brother present when DS2 was born . It had to go on op of the wardrobe for a bit!

fruitstick I know. My DS1 was very gentle (he is only now at nearly 9, finding his inner boy), so DS2 came as a shock.

I definitely went through a little sort of wobbly period when I started to feel that I was ill-equipped to understand all the shouting. fighting and wrestling. DH reassured me, and now I embrace it a bit more.

But at the same time i get a bit defensive about boys because I've noticed a tendency to reduce them to the hitting/fighting/guns stereotype, when of course they are all very different individuals. I love having 2 boys. I am learning so much...

I think that your MIL is the wise one.
Times article here and
here