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Am I expecting too much (LONG)
selfishtrollope · 07/05/2003 22:10
Have changed my name for this because just writing it makes me feel really bad. Dh and I have been married for over 10yrs and have 3 children. We dont argue much, never in front of children. We have sex about 6x month. Dh is kind,good with the children (when he remembers them)doesnt drink much/be unkind/abusive/spend any money on himself/go to the pub. ie nothing bad. He also earns about 5x my salary and we have a very comfortable lifestyle, big house, kids at private school etc BUT I feel like we just live in the same house. We have never had a really passionate relationship (I dont mean sex) but the last 5yrs thinks have gone downhill. DH is really clever and a workaholic and I feel that the children and I are sort of not worth his interest. he doesnt care about the house, what we have done all day,how the children do at school. not in a nasty way though. Its really hard to describe and I feel selfish because other people have much worse problems and I should just get on with it and live like this for the sake of the children. Its just that I wouldnt care if DH fell off the face of the earth tomorrow which is a horrible thing to say I know. Hes been away about 2 weeks on business. In that time has phoned once for 5min, but then I didnt phone him either because I didnt have anything to say that I thought would interest him. My parents live nearby and I see them about every day. They were away this w/e too and we spoke about 3 x a day on the phone. This is not right is it. I feel like all my affection/support comes from my parents and not DH. I had a big crisis about this 18mths ago and told DH how I felt and he really made an effort for a few months, but it didnt seem natural. I think he loves me, he says he does but only after sex. I would devastate the children and their lives if I left him so am I being selfish not to just get on with life. To write this makes me cry becuase thats how I feel about things inside but DH wouldnt even know that.
Cha · 07/05/2003 22:34
First of all you are not a selfish trollope. You are lonely and sad and there's nothing wrong about saying it. It made me cry too, to read your words. I have no answers for your predicament, but just think that you should tell dh what you have just told us. Show him the posting if necessary. Perhaps not the bit about him falling off the face of the earth bit...
If he did try and change last time you had a crisis, then he must feel that your relationship is worth fighting for. And I believe that he loves you,as he says he does. Men often only say they love you after sex - it is a time of intimacy when their everyday defences are down. When you say his effort didn't seem natural - it probably wasn't, he is not used to treating you with interest and affection. But that is not to say he doesn't feel it. Men are from a different planet - a lot of them are anyway. And they need to be shown how to communicate sometimes. Would he consider councelling? It could help you to show him how he makes you feel, and for him maybe to learn how to treat you in the way you need to be.
For what it's worth, I try to live my life by this motto : You always get what you've always got, if you always do what you've always done. I suppose it means that if you want something to change, then you have to effect that change.
Whatever you do, or don't do, don't feel ashamed about the way you feel. What, after all, are material riches when you are feeling spiritually bereft? Thinking of you.
selfishtrollope · 07/05/2003 22:54
Cha- thank you for listening to my ramblings. I think I will talk to DH about counselling. I often lie awake in bed thinking of how i would tell someone the way things are because i couldnt really tell any friends or family. Im not depressed because during the day at work, with children etc everyone thinks Im a really coping, happy person and i am then. Its just the relationship with DH that makes me so sad. I think esp tonight because hes coming back tomorrow and I'll just have to pretend everythings fine and be with him. So I do need to tell him I just cant see him changing
Norny · 07/05/2003 23:59
Selfishtrollope - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and have been in a similar lonely place before. Counselling sounds the right move if you cannot share how you feel with someone you know. Perhaps you may want to consider going to counsellor on your own before moving towards relationship counselling. You do sound very sad at moment and one to one counselling may help you take the lid off how you feel so you can explore your feelings without feeling so alone.
mmm · 08/05/2003 07:48
selfishtrollope life often seems to pass that way when you say 'fine' when people ask how you are and you're feeling anything but.I expect your husband doesn't know how you're feeling at all and I agree with the others about talking to him and trying to persuade him to go to counselling with you to open up some communication . There are good self help books . I often find that reading one helps abit and can make you feel stronger if you can't face counselling. Please try to talk with him.Thinking of you too.
Clarinet60 · 08/05/2003 11:28
selfishtrollope, I'm thinking about you too, as I've been in this lonely place and you are not selfish. You are right to have these concerns. He is allowing a huge vacuum to fill the space where there ought to be mutual support, interest and love. Sooner or later, something or someone else will fill that vacuum. I suspect, from what you say, that he knows this.
Can't write more just now, but hopefully later. Take care.
kkgirl · 08/05/2003 17:42
I know exactly how you feel, have been married 13 years and have the three children. Your dh sounds wonderful, mine drinks a bit too much and has basically got fat and lazy, and I am lonely like you. Its hard to make an effort when there is so little time together and by the time you deal with all the day to day things you're too tired.
Mine used to treat me (pre kids) like I was really so special and now I could be crying all day and all night and he probably wouldn't even notice. A lot of it has to do with taking each other for granted and in my case my dh has lost both his mum and dad in the last four years, his dad only this Jan and I know that he has become depressed and low over it but wouldn't say that to me.
Your relationship needs a kick start and although I can't suggest loads of ideas one thing we have tried is to meet at work without kids obviously for a coffee, just 15 mins and it feels really good. Also we have tried really hard to be in love with each other instead of loving each other, ie holding hands, telling each other we love each other, and trying to remember how to enjoy ourselves.
This sounds very garbled but I hope it helps a bit.
Chinchilla · 08/05/2003 22:29
Selfish - do you get any time together on your own? I always find that dh and I get on well when we are alone, but that dh is a bit like yours when ds is around. We seem to spend meal times talking to ds, and not each other. It is so hard isn't it? I know exactly how you feel, so many hugs etc...
doormat · 08/05/2003 22:53
selfishtrollope I don't think you are being selfish, you are just expressing your feelings. I think you and your dh need a bit of ooomph put back into your relationship.By that I mean a bit of quality time alone together. Go out for walks, cinema, pub quiz anything that will interest you both and then take it from there. He may be feeling he is in the same "rut" as you are. Maybe it is time for a change of routine. take care
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