Birthday present for niece? DH says don't bother, I think we should send at least a token

[sameagain]

She'll be 12.Only child of DH's only sibling.

We haven't seen any of DH's family for more than 5 years (long story, but DH very bitter)

For a while we still exchanged birthday/Christmas cards and presents for the children.

All last year we got nothing from SIL's family although we still sent ours, but got no thank yous either

This year she sent presents for DCs at Christmas and a present for DS1's birthday (early in year) but nothing for DS2 (recently)

Niece's birthday is coming up and whether it's right or wrong, I'm inclined to send something small so no-one can say we didn't (I know not the right reason to send a gift, but I'm fed up of being the bad guy). I've always done all the card/present sending for the family, so if I don't it will be me not DH who didn't IYSWIM

DH would rather forget the lot of them completely

I have also been sending copies of school reports and photos to PIL, but DH thinks I should stop that too.

I understand his reasons (he's not wrong) but feel very sad at severing all links with that part of my DCs family. Although, I'm not sure why as they brought nothing but misery when we did see them, but family's family.

So, do I respect DHs wishes, send the stuff anyway (don't like that one), or try to talk him round?

Keep the lines of communciation open - a small present and card will be enough.

Sameagain

I would respect DH's wishes here. Yeah family is family but some families are really dysfunctional/toxic at their heart and are thus not worth the bother.

These sort of sentiments (and they are good ones) are often expressed by those who came fortunately from non toxic and not dysfunctional family units. You likely wonder what you did to deserve such harsh treatment. Well actually you yourself did nothing; you did not make them this way but they chose to act like this.

Your intentions are good and I think you want to mend fences but this is actually beyond your capabilities here; there are too many deeply rooted problems within that family for you to be making any difference at all.

Think you need to go along with your DH here; he's had a lifetime of this lot and he's clearly had enough.

dont speak to my sister but i still send my nephew birthday xmas presents if she dont like it then she can send them back