Passive agression or do I need to chill out?

[WhiteRing]

Is it possible that my parents have always been unbelievably passive-aggressive and I'm only just realising? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Recent examples of behaviour:

We went for a meal, me, mum and dad and my 3 dcs. I said I would pay, dad said ok. dd needs a wee so I take her to the loo, only to come back and find dad paying the bill. Him and mum then spend the next 10 minutes making comments about me disappearing on purpose so I wouldn't have to pay. I know if I appear offended in this situation I am accused of having no sense of humour.

Staying with them for 2 weeks and having agreed in advance that I could pay to put myself on mum's car insurance, mum tells me when I arrive with dc that she will drive us around, then makes excuses every time I want to go out.

Told the dcs they could do something they know I would not let them do, on the condition "Mummy says it's ok", so I have to be the wicked witch and say no.

They have always been like this, I'm used to it but it drives me crazy. Does this sound like passive-agressive behaviour? I read an article about PA behaviour and it rang a lot of alarm bells.

You can be honest and tell me I should chill, but intereted to hear your opinions.

Hi
I read
Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth
It has been awhile since I read it, but it is a good place to start and is not hard to read.

There are several books-shop amazon. You probably don't need to go as far as "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward but that is also a very informative book. That is more for abuse-physical as well as emotional. Passive-aggressiveness is emotional abuse, so it might be worth your time to check it out.

I think that DutchOma may be right about the apron strings sort of idea. They treat you like a child and approach you with that sort of control framework (maybe because that is the way it has always been). Perhaps they can not see you as an adult, even though you are now a parent yourself.

There may be an element of superiority competition regarding "parenting". Especially when you are at their home, they gang up on you-two against one-it is not likely that you will ever "win". That is actually quite adolescent...

It might not be a waste of time to look up Narcissim. That is more self-centeredness, black and white thinking, their way or the highway. I don't think that would fully apply, which is why "Borderline" might fit better-it is some of the narcissism but not the complete package.

Missingtheaction's strategy of being a detached monitor of their behavior is a really good strategy to keep your emotions in neutral. I don't like the phrase "don't take it personally" in these circumstances because it is personal. They are essentially treating you like you don't really exist (not as an adult-reality). Continued exposure to these circumstances would keep you pressed down; then eventually, through repetition-depressed.

I don't think you are in danger of that though: it sounds like you have a fabulous dh!

TMSB everything you say makes sense, and I will have a look at the book.

The part about trying to be a bit detached makes a lot of sense to me, even though it seems a bit sad to have to do that. Because I'm staying at their house at the moment the way they are can really get me down if I don't watch it. Also the way they are with the dcs - they are very bothered by appearances and all they want to know is if the dcs have been "good" or not.

As I type this they are dissecting the church picnic we all just had to go on. They are literally bitching about every single person there and even saying one poor old man doesn't have anything wrong with him really, even though the poor guy could hardly walk! While we were there they were nice as anything to everyone, in a superficial, tinkly laugh kind of way.

hello yes they are totally PA.

try reading Living with the Passive Aggressive Man

it is designed for people having this kind of problem with their partner, but my guess is you will find it useful.