Boredom of long term marriages

[wildandfree]

Anyone else out there who has been in a marriage a long time and is just so bored of only having had one relationship for so long? God I am just so bored of it. How do other people cope? Most of the options are socially unacceptable but then again, I don't particularly care about social acceptability.

Options: open marriage, secret affair, separation for a period of time to explore possibility of other relationships/divorce/stay in marriage and feel frustrated and bored and tired of sex with same person.

What are other people's experiences? Get on with husband, good companions but just totally bored of relationship. Would be no point at all going to relate. A totally non-judgemental counsellor might help explore issues I guess.

Please don't bother responding with the typical flame-type posts from people who have a black and white view of relationships and think that everyone marries and lives happily ever after.

It will be our 35th wedding anniversary in October and I'm nowhere near being bored with Dh yet

I do, however, refer to him as my first husband as I like to keep him on his toes

On a more serious note, marriage for us was always going to be for life, good or bad, dull or wildly exciting. Its like the vows you both make, they represent every up and down you'll have.

I firmly believe that it has to be worked at and boredom only sets in when you stop trying.

V interesting post cheerfulvicky. I agree.

I have been married for 12 years, and with DH for nearly 20. We have been with each other for our whole adult lives, nearly.

My observation is this : the times I have been bored have always been about me feeling a lack of achievement, fulfilment and excitement. Once I took steps to change my life, then my satisfaction with the relationship improved again.

This book might be helpful as a starting point.

And this game looks like harmless fun.

Might be worth a go before you try anything more drastic.

Exactly screaming and jesus (and what I said much earlier ). It's about you OP, not your DH or your relationship. Change yourself and your interactions with the world and the rest may follow (or it may not of course if things are over between you).

I think it is foolish to expect the other half in a marriage to fulfil one's every hope dream need and want, seriously take care of yourself.

for me the marriage forms a strong basis for every day life, a source of support and trust, we have common interests and things we pursue separately but I would say it is a good idea to talk and see the other person as they change and evolve as I expect you do too, not good to be complacent and take the other half for granted

we have been together for 15yrs ups and downs as everyone else but bored with him is not something I have ever felt

good luck

You can spend time with your friends and your husband's friends and other exciting people and expereience alot of fun without sleeping with them? I am not passing judgement as to whether you should or shouldn't sleep with them but might be worth exploring other forms of fun before jumping in and complicating your life.

Hi OrmIrian !

PlasticQueen
I bought the Monogamy game for us for Christmas, and would recommend it as a way to get talking about intimate things (not only sexual)

wildandfree How do you think your DH feels about the relationship, and his life?

Really interesting discussion.

I agree with ABetaDad.
I have been with my dh for nearly 20 years and we makle a real effort to do something new and exciting often (in our case it mostly involves working in different countries and academia, the latter which is one of the most exciting for me personally.)

I think life in general can get dull nad monotonous unless you tackle it head on-it's certainly not confined to a sexual relationship.

Having it away with other peopel might do it for you but rarely are both parties equally happy with this.In my case, the children we have together is what has really bound me to my husband.

ooo Moondog - either you've been with him since you were about 5/10yrs old or you're much older than I thought you were

I agree with moondog.We have been together nearly 20 yrs and just keep doing things togethr that are new and intersting and it keeps us going.i was with my ex for 6 years and was bored in all turthfulness after the first year.Sometimes its just the wrong person for the long haul

There has to be more going on in your life than just The Relationship, obviously: a life that consists of nothing but work, childcare, domestic chores and watching the telly is going to bore anyone, whether heteromonogamous, multiply-partnered or celibate. So maybe what you need is a new hobby/interest/job/passion rather than other sexual partners. The simplest way to tell whether ditching heteromonogamy would work for you in ethical terms is this: if you want to have sex with others, can you accept your primary partner doing the same? If not, which option will you sacrifice?

'Only boring people get bored' - something my old Chemistry teacher said many years ago.

Stop being so boring and spice up your life with the person who knows and accepts you and loves you back.

Good luck

I work on the premise that if I put in the effort with DH that I'd put in with a new lover, it pays off.

We had a bored-to-sobs phase recently but a bit of flirting, attention, and sneaking off work for days out go-karting, falconry, and general out-of-the norm behaviour gave us the necessary boost to get back on track.

Without judgement, invest as much thought as possible into your next steps before committing to actions that can't be undone - if it's genuine, fair enough, but if you're rebelling against the boredom perhaps start small?

I think that only the boring get bored! Work at it. Start by both writing a list of what you would like to do and act on it. The grass is not greener when you get to the other side. No one can be exciting all the time.

FAQ,I'm 42!
Love the thought of sneaking off to do a bit of...falconry. What a laugh!

Something i discovered reasonably late in life is the effect exercise has on both your body and mind.
My husband often remarks on how much more..'alert' I am when I get back from a run or the gym.

ooooo well I never I thought you were around my age!!!!!

Agreeing with cheerfulvicky/Jesusloves and many others.

"make every other area of your life apart from your relationship absolutely thrilling."

In my view, wanting to change yourself is most important and far more likely to work than just looking out for another relationship. If you are just going to stay the same yourself then there really is not much of a change. Its just going to stay the same boring life but with a different person who will eventually turn into yet another boring partner but just in a slightly different way.

wildandfree - the hope is that by changing yourself you can also catalyse a change in your DH too. Certainly in the case of me and DW, we act as catalysts for each other to change. I think the question screamngabdab asked is really important. How does your DH feel? Persuading him to join you on life adventure would be wonderful. A good time to 'have the talk' is when you are on holiday and all the other cares are in the background.

FAQ - that is such a lovely story and interesting your crisis also happened around year 7. So glad it has worked out for you now.

Very well put Beta.

Also people are selfish and think others need to change and not them.

If you find your spouse to be a boring old fucker, chances are they feel the same.

Abetadad, yes, you are right and there is a lot to be said for looking at oneself, finding new (non-sexual) challenges etc. And certainly, the answer to a problem is never, EVER 'a new partner' (though sometimes the answer to unhappiness might be 'end the relationship you're in) - other people are not responsible for your happiness, can't fix you or your problems and generally have troubles of their own anyway.
But monogamy isn't for everyone. Heteromonogamy is pushed so hard at people as the only way to live that many people engage in it, aren't happy and yet don't realise that they could be happier if they didn't try to cling to heteromonogamy or enforce it on other people, so it's worth exploring (by means of reading some good books on it first, like the ones I recommended) whether ditching monogamy might be what an individual needs.

My husband does not find me boring at all I promise you, unless he is lying to me the entire time which is possible I suppose but I don't think he would bother. Also, he could put on his walking boots/have an affair/meet someone else if he found me boring. I wouldn't stop him as I wouldn't stop him from doing what he wanted. Obviously, he would have to face the consequences of his actions, which might mean me going off him. Same applies to me.

It simply is not as simple as "leave him if you have had enough". Anyone involved in long term relationships know that they are complex and "leaving" doesn't necessarily solve anything at all.

Lots of food for thought here but it is quite surprising who little tolerance there is for non-monogamous relationships. Give that the divorce rate is very high, and lots of people have affairs, monogamy is quite a difficult gig. I'm not saying that we shouldn't all strive towards this ideal, but I am simply suggesting that there is a huge gulf between what people SAY and what people DO......! Look at the number of people here who are struggling with marriages, divorces etc.

Thanks again for all responses.