Ex being a prat....venting but would welcome opinions

[hatesponge]

Have also posted this on lone parents but no replies yet hence re-posting.........

Background: Ex is an abusive arse, but is reasonably OK with children. So when I left him, I agreed we should have a joint residence arrangement - all informal, not through courts. He leaves for work at 5.30am Mon-Fri so there is no way he can have the DC during the week hence he insisted (& I agreed as otherwise he threatened to take me to court for full custody of DS2) that he had them every weekend Fri-Sun.

This means he essentially gets more time with them than me (as I work full time so dont see them between 7.30am-6.30pm in any event), but I agreed at the time to keep the peace.I asked him to alter the arrangements months ago as I was hardly seeing them to which his charming response was 'Just because that c*nt you were seeing has told you to fuck off, you're not changing this to suit you'

I was seeing someone. It ended in part as Ex threatened him. I didnt see him every weekend anyway as he has DC of his own. So my reasons had nothing to do with that, but should show what a spiteful arse ex is.

So, fast forward to now. Last weekend DC come back on sun & tell me they have spent weekend at nannys (Ex's family). DS1 hates it there, he is expected to watch TV and be quiet all weekend & he gets v bored. I have 'words' by text with Ex over this, no real response from him. A few days later DC come home advising Ex has now booked a 14 day holiday to mexico, leaving in a fortnight. Started an AIBu thread about this, if it sounds familiar.

DS1 stayed with me last night as he went to a friends party yesterday evening (I am friends with the parents so was helping etc). DS2 was meant to be with his dad but has come home tonight & told me he spent all day yesterday & today at his friends.

So thats 2 weekends on the trot Ex has palmed DC off. Its not just they are sleeping over, but he leaves them there all day. DS2 said he hasnt really seen his dad at all this weekend. I just feel hes such a prat, he made a horrendous fuss about having the kids and now he cant be arsed.

I know full well the reason why - he has got himself a new GF, and is far more interested in shagging her than seeing the DC. She has her own children, but I know they are at their dads at weekends.....

Am so pissed off with the whole thing, especially since I said to ex last week if he couldnt look after them for all/part of weekend at any time, then I always would. I know I'm probably being oversensitive, but I would welcome others views. I just dont feel I can let this keep going on every weekend; i honestly dont think this is coincidence, as I know that about 3 weeks ago EX & GF had a row about him being too attached to me (and DC) & not committed enough to her etc

yeh, that kfc is poison

Golly what a mess and those poor children caught up in it. Your ex is bitter because you had a boyf, now you don't but if you did again, what is the likelihood of new boyf wanting your w/ends taken up with your dc?

I think it is so sad that dc's needs don't get a look in when either partner have new partners. Are you intending to get a new partner or not? If not then it's time you formalised through the courts and in writing the new arrangement you would like to see which puts the needs of dc first. I would imagine most healthy dc would want to see their mum and dad, their friends, have chill out time and play some sports etc at the w/end.

So alternative w/ends might be the way to go. Leaving the other w/end free for time with new partner and their dc. I really can't understand why dc's needs would not have first priority. How could you have been happy for every w'end not to see your dc when you had a boyf? Especially as he is you say abusive! If he is abusive can you warn your ex's gf because she and her dc could be at risk too.

Put ALL dc's needs first!

I agree elder, not just the Op's kids are involved here

get it formalised

and if he doesn't stick to the agreement, then and only thn do you have some comeback

relying on his goodwill is obviously not working, and it seems to me there is more than one set of kids here being passed around like parcels

and argued over

elderflower - I was never happy with Ex having the DC every weekend. As said above, I only agreed to this as Ex threatened to go for full custody of DS2, and I didnt want some long Kramer vs Kramer court custody battle, if it could be avoided. I hoped that, in time, ex would agree to me having the DC say 1 weekend in 3 or 4, but that hasnt happened.

My BF at the time was not a factor. I didnt see him every weekend, as he has his own DC. Ex made out this was my reason for wanting to change the arrangements, it wasnt, just as it wasnt the reason I agreed in the first place.

I think however this has to be formalised. And I will be asking Ex to agree alternate weekends. I don't think he'll agree, but I will try.

He doesn't need to agree though of course it's preferable if he does.

He would have been highly unlikely to receive residency of your DC but the current arrangements are strengthening his case if he ever attempts to in the future.

Take the power back! His bullying appears to have left you feeling rather disempowered.

Having initially suggested written communication/agreement, taking into acount your reasons for agreeing to the current arrangement I do think it would be helpful for you to involve a solicitor and in doing so, remove from your ex the opportunity to manipulate you.

I don't understand what on earth makes you think that his threat of getting full custody of only one of your children could possibly be viable in any way. It's hard to imagine the courts (especially the english ones) giving full custody of one or both children to a father who leaves work at a time that makes it impossible for him to reasonably care for his children. It seems to me that you need to set up a schedule that makes sense for the children. It certainly is not good for them to have so little time with you. If your ex is so determined to have more time with them, then do a proper shared custody of alternating weeks in each household and let him figure out how to care for the kids in the morning (which he'd have to do anyway if he got full custody of them). Or dc's could go home with ex after work and have dinner with him, but then go to sleep at yours and spend alternate weekends with each parent (I have friends who do this and it works quite well).
Anyway, as others have suggested, it would really be a good idea to put things on paper and formalize the arrangement. And please don't let him (or anyone) bully you with threats (especially such unlikely ones).