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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice please!

9 replies

freya555 · 05/07/2009 17:55

Hi, i would like to ask if anyone can advise ...Just after our son was born i discovered that my husband had looked at porn .I found this absolutely devastating as I believed that he would not do this.I have felt diffeently about him since - as if i lost the man i married and it destroyed much of my self confidence and esteem.I have felt stuck with this since and it was several years ago .He is basically a good man but i feel so betrayed its effected our relationship.I would love to let this go now but im not sure HOW.............i feel that ive cut myself off from him in way s similar to another thread were the womans husband appears cold to her ie i dont want to kiss him and i know that i need to forgive or move on in some way - just dont know how.....

OP posts:
Kimi · 05/07/2009 18:02

Is he still looking at it?
Does he know how you feel?
I think you need to talk to him.

Lulumama · 05/07/2009 18:04

it depends on so much...

was it a one off? was it taking him away from you and your son? was it an obsession?

or was it just a quick look at something

you need some help to move forward if it has been years

you both must be miserable

posiedullardparker · 05/07/2009 18:09

Relate, relate and relate. Get back on track, I think whilst it may be devastating it is not unusual and is probably no big deal for him.

It sounds as if you got all hot and bothered about it, probably an over reaction and now you can't back off, too far down the road of disappointment, iuswim? The fact that you found it so near to giving birth is very tangled in how you reacted and felt about it. Maybe if it happened today it wouldn't be such a big deal. So you have to get it sorted, soon.

Original poster
freya555 · 05/07/2009 18:14

Thanks for your replies i do appriciate!its firt time iv e posted something!.It was twice only but after ist time i told him i was not hapy he promised not to do it again which is why i felt betrayed when he did.He knew how i felt but did it again.He said he did it because he felt lonely at the time but realised that it wasnt the right thing to do -im worried that he only says that to appease me and not upset me and i worry if that really is the truth!..I have talked to him many times and he is sad but im concerned that im so angry with him deep down and its affected our relationship as i just cant seem to re trust him !! I think it was the level of shock i felt and the difference between what i percieved he felt ,and was, as a person and that action.he says that every one makes mistakes and that i need to forgive him.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 05/07/2009 18:17

how long ago was this?

a lot of men and women use porn in the context of a healthy relationship

it does not necessarily signify anything is wrong or lacking

you have a problem with it and your DH seems to have said all teh right things and wants to move forward

yo can either hold it against him for ever which may lead to teh demise of your relationship or get help to move forward

posiedullardparker · 05/07/2009 18:18

Maybe for him it isn't a mistake, it means nothing.... really go to relate.

Original poster
freya555 · 05/07/2009 18:22

Thankyou all for your messages - i cant tell you how supported i feel- its the first time ive beeen able to share this with others in this way as freinds have been a bit embarrassed - or i have!! which is big step as i felt so devastated- i think that this may be the first step in moving on ..fingers crossed!!!!I will see if we can have sessions with councellor as I know he will be up for that ..

OP posts:
Original poster
freya555 · 05/07/2009 18:22

Thankyou all for your messages - i cant tell you how supported i feel- its the first time ive beeen able to share this with others in this way as freinds have been a bit embarrassed - or i have!! which is big step as i felt so devastated- i think that this may be the first step in moving on ..fingers crossed!!!!I will see if we can have sessions with councellor as I know he will be up for that ..

OP posts:
Original poster
freya555 · 05/07/2009 18:22

Thankyou all for your messages - i cant tell you how supported i feel- its the first time ive beeen able to share this with others in this way as freinds have been a bit embarrassed - or i have!! which is big step as i felt so devastated- i think that this may be the first step in moving on ..fingers crossed!!!!I will see if we can have sessions with councellor as I know he will be up for that ..

OP posts:
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