Have we made a huge mistake?

[SallyQ]

Hey everyone,
This is my first ever Mumsnet posting, I am really in need of some advice or just someone to hear me.

My dh and I moved abroad 9 months ago when our dd was 3 months old, and we thought it would be the solution to all our problems. While we are much better off financially, it is driving us apart. We live high up in the mountains in a tiny village, and I am so lonely. I have tried to fit into the village but it is very hard, my German is not so hot and people here find me strange. I feel as if I have given up my whole life - no job, no friends, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Although it's great for a child, my dd has started wanting to see Brum brums and loves to see different places and lots of people. There are only so many times you can go and say moo to the cows, believe me. Also, I don't think it's ideal that she only meets very conservative white well off people.

DH is absorbed in his new job and says we have no choice but to stay here a few years. A FEW YEARS!!! I can't stand it. I have got to the point of seriously considering moving back to England or even to a city here without him. I still love him but he does not seem to understand why I am not happy. Also we have not had sex in 18 months and I don't feel like he fancies me anymore, or even sees me at all. As long as I look after the baby and clean the house occasionally. Of course he speaks 100 languages (ok, seven) and doesn't see why I get so frustrated trying to learn ONE.

My dd loves her dad and I don't want to split up the family. But I am really dying inside. I miss having friends so badly, and I have nothing of my own, no money, no job. He refuses to have a joint account (I don't understand why) so I have to ask him for money for groceries and things for dd and I can never buy anything for myself. This makes me feel that he is in charge and I am just a skivy rather than being a team. I've tried to talk to him but he simply says we have no choice. What can I do???

Thanks if you have read this far.
Sally

Just to get a clearer picture, would it be possible for you and DH to live in the town, rather than in this isolated village?

Would it be possible for you to get a car?

What were the problems you had back home (aside form relationship) that this oportunity solved for you?

It sounds a really difficult situation, and anyone (bar Heidi) would feel as miserable as you do.

SallyQ

I'm also in Switzerland and can relate to some of your sense of isolation although we live in a much more urban, international area nr Zurich. It is really hard living anywhere where you don't understand the basic language let alone a dialect. For our partners it is easier as they have a ready made life and social contact at work. Is your dh British or has he travelled a lot before? Have you lived abroad before ? Do family and friends come to visit ?

tbh I hit a low ebb after 9 months away from UK, having just made the decision to stay longer and after a trip to see my family. It did get better with time and although my German is still pretty poor I've accepted my limitations. Agree that you need to tackle the language issue. Could you arrange an intensive course somewhere locally, perhaps a local teacher would do one over the summer holiday for you.

There are some Expat websites and message boards specifically for Expats living in Switzerland where you may find some comfort in the everyday ups and downs experienced by others, realise how much of what you are experiencing is normal and have some virtual social contact even if noone else actually lives in your neck of the woods. Try this one for starters and there are several more, some regionally based. If you need more info or have difficulty "joining" let me know.

Swiss banks can be funny about joint accounts - I am just a countersignatory to the account in dh's name and any correspondence or queries are addressed to him. Nevertheless it should be possible for you to have a cash/debit card - they limit how much you can withdraw at a time anyway.

Hope this helps and good luck

Hi SallyQ, I too can appreciate your situation. We moved to rural france 2 years ago, the 1st year was the hardest, 6 months into being here I felt like I was having a breakdown. It really shocked me as I've always been so strong and independent. My DP speaks fluent french, I spoke none and he was (still isn't) supportive or helpful re. integrating. I too have no independent income or bank accounts out here. While he was off swanning around I was stuck here running our business and I felt totally dependent and useless. He once told me that as the business was in his name it meant he "earnt" all the money and so I could have no say whatsoever in how it was spent. I realised two things. Firstly I had to learn the language and secondly I needed to get some self-respect back and get him to respect me again rather than just treating me as part of the furniture. Its still hard and Swiss is difficult but to learn German I'd recommend Michel Thomas, (works by listening to CDs only) and now does them up to A level standard. I've never been able to grasp another language before, his method is very different and very effective and very quick. If you don't have money to buy them maybe you could ask for them for bday? (Try Amazon or Ebay for 2nd hand) For the respect thing, is there anything you can do for yourself? Even as a hobby? Writing/drawing/anything? You'll feel better if you have something to take your mind off solely home/baby and may give you something to talk to him about. It sounds like he doesn't see you as a "person" anymore. What job did you have before? Is there any way of doing it/something else from home? Finally, you need to sit down and talk to him rationally and calmly and tell him exactly how you feel. He may still not get it (mine didn't) but you will feel better and know you've done everything you can. If it was me and you think things will never be bearable then you need to agree a compromise on a definite date of planning to move. If he's saying a few years, maybe agree 18 months. I'm sure he can't just up and leave his job so giving him a timescale will enable him to facilitate that and will give you something to look forward to (18 months will go quicker if you know its a definite). Sorry for the long posting, I'm not trying to make it sound easy, its not but thought I'd put my twopenth in re. how I've made things better for me. Totally agree with Moondog re. mumsnet and getting home now and then (if money is a problem, go back to the UK but make it for a while (at least a week), he'll soon notice you aren't there when you've gone, even if he doesn't notice you when you are there. My DP rang me three times a day the first time I went back to the UK on my own !

-hijack alert - sorry Sally-

Hausfrau - sorry to hear you're not feeling great and progress with German is difficult! Am currently knackered at home (after only having stopped work last week) and now have IBS as well, it seems (at 38 weeks pg - WTF?! And no, it's not labour) so feeling pretty listless and miserable, but please let's meet up when little one's arrived!

-hijack end-

Hausfrau, Sally - if you want a hand with German (correspondence course-stylie) I'm happily available - even on mat leave right now! Sally, I'm in a small town near Stuttgart and don't really have friends as such in the town, but my situation is a bit different as we moved here (from another part of Germany) for my work, dh is German and I can speak the language on near-native level. I'm afraid I have no advice with regard to dh - just that I think he is being unfair not wanting a joint account. At the moment I'm the only earner in our marriage because dh is studying, but I get incredibly p*ed off when he refers to OUR money as MY money. It should be natural to share everything!
I don't know about Switzerland, but in Germany at least, people tend to be very anglophile, so somebody in your village might really appreciate you helping them out with their English. Could you go in to the local school to help out? (Sorry if this has been suggested before - too knackered and uncomfortable to read the whole thread!)

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo - I'm in Normandy. 1.5hrs from Caen. Are there lots of people on MS in France? Where are you?
SallyQ - sorry if I came across as "I can solve all your problems", didn't mean to at all and am now paranoid I sounded like that ! (skulks off into a corner)...

Once again, thanks for all your thoughts, I appreciate them all.
Hubby and I had a bit of a talk last night. I think that part of the problem is that he feels bad that things are not what we expected here and so he feels defensive and clams up. We are going to take a trip to see friends in Basel next weekend, so that we get a bit of a break. He even suggested I go to england. I am tempted but would mean staying with my mum which is less tempting.

Meerkatsunite asked why we moved here. Well, we were living in Southern Portugal before where we earned peanuts and it is a TERRIBLE place to bring up a child, so we wanted to come to Switzerland for the quality of life here. However, because dh has no teaching diploma, he could only get a job in a village where they are desperate for teachers and not in a town where there are 100 applicants for every place!

Our relationship has always been unconventional - we lived apart for 4 years while I finished my PhD in England and Dh worked in Portugal. Once I moved to pt, we were both working and things were great. We are both former research scientists, but both wanted to get out of the world of academia, another reason for the move.

It is true that I need to make my own life here rather than relying on dh, that is what many of you have suggested in various ways. I am doing a writing course and you have all got me thinking again about teaching English. I have though about this before but didn't have the confidence to do it.

I think I am a bit depressed, as I cannot seem to find the energy to clean the house or do anything other than surf the net. Sometimes I get really cross with dd for small reasons and then feel so guilty. It's just cos we're stuck here together nose to nose the whole day every day. The big problem with finding a job or even working on writing is that there is no childcare available here.

Have to go, dd is screaming....

Sally

SallyQ - I also live in Switzerland but close to Zurich, i moved here on my own almost 4 years ago but met and (got pregant by and then) married a swiss so my situation is quite different.

Don't be disheartened with your Swiss german, its not easy to relate to anything in text book German, and a mountain dialect is even more difficult! But you will learn especially if you find a way to mix with people.

The English teaching could be a good way to go, every swiss person I meet wants to try to speak English with me. OR could you and the friend you have made start up a bi-lingual mother and toddler group? There must be other mothers in the area (even swiss ones) that are also feeling isolated.

I think the most important thing for you and your DH to do is keep talking about the situation and how it can be improved for you. And even if the nearest town is 20 mins away make the effort to go there and do something for yourself one evening a week.

Something else about the swiss - they are quite reserved, take a long time to get to know but when you do get to know them they are extremely loyal and helpful people and good friends to have.

By the way, I am sure I have read your story somewhere before, did you write in the New Stork Times?

Leogaela - yes that was me in the NST. Am slightly freaked out that someone here has read it.

Things much better today, feeling a bit daft for posting but I got some really great advice and support so it was definitely worth it.

Sally

the article was really interesting. A coincidence as I got the free trial of the magazine and read your article. I have just subscribed this month think that you have written another article???? Another interesting article. One of very few that I have bothered to read. Is Bergen somewhere at the bottom of the Albula pass? Don't forget in summer you will be able to drive much more easily to St Moritz and there could be more interesting things going on for you there. MAybe even some other non-swiss people around.

Hope you are feeling better about your situation and manage to keep talking things through with your dh!

Have to confess I read the NST too (and are you already on Expat Mums in CH ?) and thought you sounded very involved in what was going on up there and courageous to have moved there at all although had not made the connection between the two. It must be different in the quieter spring/autumn months though and particularly isolating. Could you join a group in the nearest town even if you only managed to go once a month or so, as it might give you a reason to make the effort to leave your village and surroundings. The idea of starting up a local bilingual mums and tots/playgroup with another local mum sounds good too.

Hope you feel a bit better about it all now and please don't let the fact that people "know" you put you off posting either.

Leogaela and LizS - Yep, I write every month, and I'm ridiculously pleased that you like the articles! I do it for the experience, to get some clippings and just for the satisfaction. We are indeed at the bottom of the Albula pass, and now the pass is open for the summer there are lots more people around. Unfortunately we don't have a car so I spend a lot of time on the little red trains. Luckily dd loves going by train as she can charm all the passengers.

Spring and Autumn are horrible as everything is closed and it's SO quiet, but thankfully everything is opening up this weekend, so we can sit outside the restaurants and watch everyone go by. I always try to be very positive in NST and actually that really helps me to see the good things about living here. Sometimes it all gets a bit much tho.

Planted my (very Swiss!) window boxes yesterday and managed a chat with my next door neighbour who is German so feeling a lot better in general...

Thanks for replying,
Sally