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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship breaker sex question!!!!!

36 replies

lilacclaire · 04/07/2009 01:05

This is only from my POV, so will take any critisim.

Today (amongst other issues) I told dp that amongst other things that I can seperate sex from feelings, ie, although I love him, when im not happy with him at some other things and we're not talking, I still want to have sex with him.

This was a revelaton to dp and he is so horrified and thinks this is such a disgusting attitude towards sex that he is on the verge of breaking up with me over this.

He has asked me to post honestly about this, so please give me your opinions about whether i am a brazen slut or not.

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/07/2009 01:07

nah - either there is something else going on or your dh is a drama queen of the highest proportions

whilst one might be surprised - to break up a relationship over it is a bit OTT to say the least.

i canhave a row with dh but still want to fuck his brains out

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 04/07/2009 01:10

god no, in my experience at least half the population (and not just the male half) feel like you do.... ie can still have sex whatever the emotional circumstances. i would say you are very normal and he is being a rather camp prude to think otherwise.

in fact, some of my best sex has been when i've been really angry at someone, you can take out a lot of bad feelings in various different positions

BettyTurnip · 04/07/2009 01:17

Agree, sometimes tension adds that certain frission to the proceedings. Why else would people rate "make up" sex?

mrsboogie · 04/07/2009 01:25

yes, you are a brazen slut

DidEinsteinsMum · 04/07/2009 02:13

nahh u just fancy pants off him he should take it as compliment that you don't let arguemets get in the way of this.

sandcastles · 04/07/2009 02:23

If the only time you wanted sex was when you were angry with him, I'd say it was probably not a good thing.

Although it seems that isn't the case, so I don't see a problem.

I don't think he should be horrified & you are not a brazen slut.

Deffinitely shouldn't be a deal breaker for him, if anything surely you are saying that despite being mad as hell at him, he still turns you on....

PurpleOne · 04/07/2009 02:36

even going through the worst period of my life and experiencing domestic abuse....i still wanted sex!!!

you are def not a brazen slut, (hope he didn't say that to you) but a healthy woman with desire and a mojo!

Original poster
lilacclaire · 04/07/2009 02:42

Purpleone, nooooooooooooooooo!

He's never said im a brazen slut btw!

OP posts:
Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 02:51

Nah you sound perfectly normal to me lol! Sounds as though he's just having a little male temper tantrum and sulk, he'll soon get over it

usernamechanged345 · 04/07/2009 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 04/07/2009 05:41

dh used to enjoy winding me up because he said I looked sexy when I was angry! I'm fairly emotionally connected with my sexual thoughts, but not always (I think this is more a male thing in general). But I do have a penchant for feeling horny in really inappropriate places - like in the supermarket

Sex drives are weird things IMO.

KingCanuteIAm · 04/07/2009 06:35

What a silly thing for him to get worked up over! I am very good at compartmentalising (sp?) i.e. I am cross about this, I am happy about this and so on, the seperate emotions need not get in the way of each other. Some people are really good at it, some are not although, in general, men are better at it than women it is not unusual for women to be very good at it too!

I agree somewhat with the drama queen comment

ToughDaddy · 04/07/2009 07:19

I was under the impression that many men can separate the two. I am with you on this.

ToughDaddy · 04/07/2009 07:31

I think that this is a sulk and there is an underlying reason why he is sulking? Is sex being used as a control tool?

ToughDaddy · 04/07/2009 07:45

Suggest that you give him a hug and ask him if/what he is really unhappy with.

twoclimbingboys · 04/07/2009 11:10

I still want sex with my DH even when he is really pissed off with me, although he doesn't always oblige - which is fair enough!

Your DP is being over dramatic imo

aRLcat · 04/07/2009 13:11

If you wanted to shag someone else when pissed off with your DP, then he might have a point with the brazen slut slur!

From another perspective, I think he's a lucky man who's dp loves him enough to still want physical intimacy regardless of gripes and issues.

To me it sounds like a strong and healty relationship when viewed in that way as opposing one where a partner is witholding intimacy regularly, which is recognised as an abusive trait (n.b. in context!).

Making-up sex has got my vote for sheer energy and abandon!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 04/07/2009 13:16

I think he might be surprised as it is usually thought of being a man thing that they can shag whoever even if they don't like them.

I think there is more too it.

Talk to him and see what he says.

FWIW DH wouldn't want to have sex with me if he was annoyed with me.

Jumente · 04/07/2009 13:54

I am unsure about this. Firstly you can't help your feelings, but I would not want a partner to have sex with me if he was angry with me or having disrespectful feelings towards me - this has happened before and I assumed it meant he still loved me although he was angry - now I think he was just horny and I was willing.

However. No, if I was angry with my partner I wouldn't want to sleep with him. It would spoil it. I'd have to respect him and feel close to him for it to work that way. Otherwise just empty - sex could happen, I could 'enjoy' it physically but mentally no way - I'd feel really dirty.

Sorry Sex is so much more than physical to me. But if you are cross but haven't lost the love or crucially respect you hold for him, that'd be Ok I suppose.

ToughDaddy · 04/07/2009 15:52

To be fair to your DH, some people can and some can't. But my gut feeling is that it is more important to address underlying reason why he is pissed off.

ABetaDad · 04/07/2009 16:45

lilacclaire - I remember your post a little while ago on a similar topic and I am sorry to hear that you have not bene able to resolve things.

I think the discussion you had and the issues that have been unearthed have caused this arguement and his threat to leave. I do not really think it is just about what you said about being able to separate sex from your feelings.

He seems very unhappy and you are unhappy and arguements over small things can be a proxy for much wider and bigger problems.

Hope can work something out.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2009 18:10

I'm with Abetadad here - this is all part and parcel of this silly man's sexual dysfunction. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, sex and love are not the same thing, both have their merits, they can combine, but both are equally good as standalone pleasures.

Original poster
lilacclaire · 05/07/2009 16:01

Well this was definetly amongst 'other things', he seemed to think that I could go off and have sex with anyone and i wouldn't care about it. We've agreed that we just have different attitudes towards sex.
After 2 days of arguments, tears etc we've sorted a lot of stuff out, we have different attitudes about a lot of things and lack of communication has left a lot of crossed wires to be untangled.

OP posts:
Mouette · 05/07/2009 18:35

I think he should be pleased that you still want to have sex with him even when you're cross! Sounds very flattering to me!

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 18:38

I must be a brazen ho then.

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