Husband never wants it with me

[annom]

This is starting to get me down. Dh and I have never had a good sex life, but in the early days he wowed me over with everything else he was.

Over the last few days have started to think about what it is doing to me self esteem. We are trying for another baby and remember from last time, how painful it was to think that dh doesn't really want to do it with me. Even sort of sulks and hunches his shoulders when he walks into bed, his whole body language saying he doesn't want to but feels he has too.

We have had so many rows about lack of sex, or trying and him going floppy, over the past 5 years we have been together. I feel like when I want it i have to tell him I do and sometimes he will try for me.

I have had 3 children so my body not the same as it was, but even when I was toned before the children it was still the same.

I have had other relationships where it hasn't been a problem so I can't be that undesirable to men and I have lost loads of weight recently so a size 10 to 12. Its making me so sad that I am crying writing this. Know dh does satify his self as many a time I have turned on tv in morning and he has been watching the adult chanels as they are the first one that comes up.

This is really hurting me at mo, as I think i have finally admitted it to friends who moan about their husbands wanting it all the time, I have told them the truth now that it is me that gets turned down.

Dh works away during week from time to time. But pretty sure he is not having an affair as it has always been like this, its not as if anything has changed, and he comes home so minging and unshaven.

Just helps to write this down.

Have thought about leaving him, but feel very strongly about keeping our family together and I love him in other ways. He must love me as he says if it was not for the children he would kill himself if I left him, pretty strong statement hey!

God, I am so sad for you. I have had 3 kids too and know my body is not what it was pre kids and dh is not banging down the door and really hasn't ever done maybe except at the very start of our relationship. Have you considered counselling to really let him know how you feel in a safe environment?

This is way outside normal (imho). What does he say about it?

Not tried councelling as yet, but he knows how I feel. Texted him last night as was upset and told him I was sad as I just wanted to feel beautiful. The other night when we tried it, as we do need to now as trying for a baby, he couldn't get it up enough to put it in so just gave him a hand job (sorry if TMI) and he toutched my boobs, but its like he wont even touch down there any more. I wouldn't give up on my marraige without trying councelling as it is so important to me to stay together.

I think you'd be best advised to find some sensitive third party advice.

I think perhaps there's a little too much pressure on all of you - is he perhaps feeling like he has to 'perform' to make a baby, rather than because you want him?

A little time spent rediscovering each other with no other agenda might be in order - don't have a baby regardless with someone you're not able to communicate with on this most intimate of issues.

Do you think it is way outside normal then, as I have been with him so long, I feel I loose sight on what is normal. He says that he does have a problem. He had lots of sex when he was in the army, and a few one nighters from time to time, had only had one proper girlfriend for only six months before he got with me and he was 37 when we got together.

He was brought up in a children's home was 'given' away by his mum when he was 7. He thinks this may have something to do with it. He went to see a councellor last year about the sex stuff but they ended up talking about his mum then we couldn't afford it anymore. The councelling was when we were trying for our last baby, its like such a big hurdle to get over, the actual making the baby!

Already got 3 babies with him so bit too late for that snigger!

Its not the 'performing' for making babies anyway, have been like this from the moment we first tried to have sex, its just that trying for the big family we both want highlights the problem.

How important - big family wishes aside - is the physical aspect of your relationship?

If you are both happy to continue in a relatively asexual existence, why not, but if one of you, ie you, will feel hurt then you need to address it, with help.

Have you seen your GP, and explained how much this is affecting you?

So hard to give advice, when essentially paid-for assistance may be the most helpful route. Have you looked into self-help books in the interim - is your partner as keen to 'fix' this as you are?

See thats the thing snigger, I am so happy with the rest of my life. Am kind of living my dream, house it the country, don't have to work much staying at home with the kids, thats all I have ever wanted. Maybe I am happy with it, but is just a problem when we want a baby.

I never, ever, ever, expected it to be like this in a marraige though, but suppose I kind of marraid into it is as I knew it was a problem in the first place. I really from the bottom of my heart don't think it will ever change. Am I happy with it, no. But suppose I can look at it that nothings perfect and at time to time we all get upset about some aspect of our lives.

My marrage is not perfect, but I just hope it is not too far from perfect if you see what I mean.

No advice but please please please put trying for a baby on hold until you resolve this issue one way or another.

Having another baby is only going to put more strain on your relationship. You need to be happy with each other before bringing another baby into the family.

Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

Annom there are charities that will provide counselling for free (dependent on your income/outoings). It sounds like your DH has some deep rooted problems - his childhood does sound like it could be part of the problem. Why don't you get in touch with somewhere like Mind the mental health charity.

If he's happy to have counselling, I hear good things about Mind, they offer income-linked (so, sliding scale) counselling. The root of his problems are likely to be in his childhood, as pocketmonster says.

annom, your DH actually sounds like a very NORMAL man suffering from erection problems

Have you talked this through honestly with him? Have you asked him whether he thinks this is the problem? Is he scared of not performing?

Men's sex performance is remarkable psychological and arguing about it is actually extremely counter-productive - sorry. I know you are frustrated but you need to try and come at this more calmly.

There are lots of drugs on the market that will help him performance wise. If he can go into the bedroom knowing that he is going to be more or less guaranteed a proper erection then this might really help him out. You need to speak to your GP about this. You can get these drugs on the NHS, especially if you explain that you are trying for a baby!

Sympathies - TTC is a bloody hard time all round and these sorts of issues make it even more difficult.

Hi- hold old is he and is he in reasonable physical shape?
thanks

Morningpaper has posted very sensible advice which, although delicate to discuss with DH, is worth exploring.

A blue diamond can be the best diamond a girl could want!

It might also work wonders for his sel-esteem.

annom - there are two basic reasons a man does not want / cannot have sex

1. Health/Physical
2. Emotional/Psychological

Your DH does not seem to have any physical or health problems and he clearly still has a sex drive given his TV viewing habits. He seemed to have a good sex life in the past he certainly has been able to perform enough to make you pregnant 3 times.

That leaves psychological/emotional. I apologise unreservedly for what I am about to say just in case it is completely out of order but the same thing keeps coming into my mind.

If it takes say on average 6 months for a couple to conceive with unprotected sex, 9 months for a baby to develop and be born and 3 months for the woman to feel physically ready to conceive again. That means 18 months per child and 3 x 18 months is 4.5 years. That basic mathematical calculation suggests to me that for the last 5 years as a couple you have done nothing but try to conceive (TTC) go through pregnancy and look after very small babies. Now you are ready to try for another baby.

Do you think it is possible that he has found the last 5 years a chore? Sex is just a process to make babies in his mind. I know you have said it is not and that he wants to have children but does he really want them or is he going along with it?

I only ask because I know from my own personal experience that TTC can become a total chore and a source of psychological pressure for a man and yes after a while failing to maintain an erection and even not really wanting to have sex at all is the inevitable outcome.

I am just left wondering what would happen if you took pressure off DH completely and said you did not want any more children and just wanted to have sex for fun and love?

Only you can decide that and am not telling you to have no more children - but it is just something to think about as a possible cause and perhaps the basis of a conversation with DH.

I am pretty sure it is nothing to do with finding you unattractive though. Many other issues other people have mentioned may be the issue of course or they may be all mingled together in his mind.