Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DH says he's too old to have another child

14 replies

RushingAround · 06/05/2003 12:16

That is, I'd be the one actually having it!

DH is 44, and I'll be 40 soon We have a ds and dd (5 & 2) and I've always had in mind that I'd love to have a third.
But DH is adamant that he can't face the idea of still bringing up a child when he will be thinking about retirement himself at 60ish.

Anyone else out there who's had to try and argue a case against this? Or perhaps he's right - what would it be like to still have a third child at home when we were at the stage in life of wanting to wind down more?
Help!

OP posts:

mmm · 06/05/2003 12:33

Oh rushingaround. Having had baby no. 2 a year ago and being 45 and gee I'm proud of myself and all that, but it's bloody hard don't you find ? I thought I was having my menopause when I found out that it was really a baby ! Sorry, I'm rambling and p was utterly delighted so it's not like your thing at all. Your last child would hardly be at home when you were 60 - she'd want to be off with her friends all the time and not hang out with wrinklies like you! Good luck with your DH. I hope you can bring him round.

janh · 06/05/2003 13:52

You could tell him it'd stop him being a boring old fart when he's 60 - unless that's his lifetime's ambition it might work!

We have a friend who is about 67/68 I think - I know he got his buspass a bit ago, to great hilarity all round - he has had 2 families, one pair now in their 30s and married with kids, the other pair 21 and 19 and at uni. He is one of the most energetic and dynamic and fun people we know and never stops rushing around, RushingAround!

Clarinet60 · 06/05/2003 14:18

DH was the same age (44)when DS2 was born.
Tell him to think of Tony Blair and say to himself:-
You don't stop doing things when you get older - you get older when you stop doing things.

60 is not old these days. Tell him to take a chill-pill.

(None of which is any real help to you, Rushingaround, sorry!)

nusch · 06/05/2003 14:37

Just sympathy. My dp (44) has made clear that dd (2) is the last one. I'd really like another but not against such strong views by him cos I'd not have a leg to stand on when I ended up doing all the childcare!

His argument is like your dh's (freedom in retirement). I've tried the one about how much easier it will be with two when they're a bit older and can play with each other but that one doesn't work for you if you have two (and hasn't worked for me anyway!).

Trouble is my dh feels knackered all the time anyway and hates work and is living for retirement. Kind of sad but I can see why another baby doesn't quite fit in with that.

Lindy · 06/05/2003 15:10

I have some sympathy with your DH - I had my first child at 42 , two years ago, and would never, ever consider having another - it is exhausting having a toddler at 45 - probably at any age! My DH is a couple of years younger than me and has said he would like another, but a couple of full weekends looking after DS alone has helped change his mind!! It is quite a scary thought I'll be in my early 50s when DS starts secondary school!!

JanZ · 06/05/2003 16:58

I have the opposite problem: I would like another one (ds is now 2 and 1/2) and dh hasn't yet decided. He does talk about having another one, but just not yet - "....when the time is right". The problem is I am 42 - but dh (44 next month) doesn't seem to realise that the clock is ticking! And if I push the issue, then he'll just resist. I don't even know how to raise the subject - he knows I want another one, but we just don't talk about it.

Ds is such a perfect child (terrible 2s notwithstanding) that I know that dh is slightly concerned about pushing our luck.

But I've never wanted an only child - and am worried that if we have just one a) we'll put too much pressure on him and b) he'll put too much pressure on himself when he's older and WE are the dependents!

mmm · 06/05/2003 19:46

I stopped using contraception as there didn't seem to be any point as we had stopped having a sex life after dd8 was born, so we would have unprotected sex maybe 3 times a year ( no, i'm not exagerrating ) and that is how I became pregnant with dd1. Perhaps if you stopped having a sex life for long enough, you could legitimately stop using your contraception and..... ( by the way, it was p who wanted another baby, not me - so I didn't behave like the naughty little sneak that I'm advocating you to be !)

suedonim · 07/05/2003 04:38

My DH was 51 when we had another baby and it really hasn't been any different to when we had our other three children. I have to say, DH looks years younger than other men of his age!! It's all in the mind, I reckon - maybe your DH should read this article about 50 being the new 40 . HTH

Original poster

RushingAround · 07/05/2003 10:32

Thanks girls. Nice to think I'm not the only one battling against a stone wall!

Had a look at that link suedonim, thanks.

Nusch, yes, my DH is always knackered too. He's away alot and then at home we're always 4 in a bed these days as ds and dd both creep in, and kick us out to the edges. Permanent bruises!
So, who am I kidding? There's never any chance to "do the deed" for a third child...
I must be content with my lot.

OP posts:

easy · 07/05/2003 11:45

Lindy,

I agree, I was 39 when ds was born, and I love him to bits, but I have found the business very tiring, and wouldn't contemplate having another.

DH is 2 yrs younger and agrees with me. Mind you, he had two when he was 19 and 23 (They are now 20 and 15 )

mmm · 07/05/2003 13:11

I've just been reading the other thread in conception and Winnie1 's right. I'd just like to say Winnie1 that I think what you say is always succinct, intelligent and spot on and I'd like to hear more from you.

mmm · 07/05/2003 19:47

rushing around, maybe because you live abroad your dh feels that with no family around ( I'm assuming) and you older and pregnant and with small children already that it'd be all too much for you as a family?

Original poster

RushingAround · 12/05/2003 13:22

Yes, thanks, maybe there's something in that...

But it's prob more a case of him wanting to have more time for things (for himself?) and also having the energy and money still to do it. If we have a third we'd have to cut back all round ...

Whereas I want to prolong the baby/childhood stage in our household forever!
I guess there comes a point for all of us when we have to face the fact that our baby-producing days are over (we all have to stop somewhere!) - and we have to look ahead. I'm just wanting to cling on too much to the past perhaps.

OP posts:

Dahlia · 12/05/2003 13:40

RushingAround, I am 37 and DH is 51. We had dd when I was 29 and he was 43. It has taken me 7 years to persuade him to have another! His argument was that he was too old, the financial strain would be too much, and he was happy with one. I have over the years gently chipped away at him, and finally got the message across last summer, mainly by stressing that I didn't want DD to have no family when we were gone, and also to remind him just how fabulous it was when she was tiny and how deliriously happy he was when she was born. I also stressed that we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow, and for gods sake lets just look at it like a big adventure and go for it. And he sighed heavily and then grinned and said what the hell.
And now its only 5 weeks til due date I am the one who's cacking it!!!

Flip