Jealous partner has left me in the s**t !

[shyandmighty]

I'm new to this site and hope very much to find some practical help and emotional support. Please bear with me it's rather long but needs to be said...
After a turbulent 3 yr relationship (consisting of extreme jealousy, suspicion and accusations aimed at me) I have finally found the courage to break free from my partner.
I loved him unconditionally as did my children who are 11 & 9 (not his)From the beginning he was very jealous and didn't want me out of his sight, even to visit my parents. Consequently, we did everything together, which stupidly, I became accustomed to, even reliant upon! At the weekend I had enough of the pressure and made a stand - I went to stay with a friend. While I was away I texted him regularly to tell him I loved him and wished he trusted me and we could live a normal life. I didn't phone him because I knew he would be angry and I wouldn't be able to talk any sense to him. His response was to ignore most of my texts and tell me he was moving out. He was gone on my return and was fully expecting me to beg him to come home. I decided to be strong and tell him that unless he changes his ways, I didn't actually want him back. I should say, at this point, that we have had counseling both individually and as a couple but it only seemed to help in the short term. We have spoken over the past few days and he has been nasty and accusing me of all sorts while I have been away, when all I want to do is tell him I love him and wish things could be different. Truth is I do love him so much but I realise that his jealousy will continue to damage an otherwise lovely relationship. I know I sound pathetic but my heart is breaking, even though I know what I am doing is right in the long run. There is so much more anecdotal evidence of extreme jealousy but I think I've set the scene! Also, he's turning his back on all our financial problems and says I'm on my own. Can I make him pay for joint debt, even though its all in my name?

Hi ShyandMighty I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Even though he is a self absorbed shit (and there's certainly no getting away from that) none of this can be easy for you. No one is bad 100% of the time and some of the feelings you're experiencing must be pretty tough. Unfortunately it can be all too easy for people to be dispassionate and say to you "just kick him to the kerb" but even though you probably know deep down they're right, actually having the emotional strength to do that can be a pretty tall order.

What you really need right now is people who you can really rely on and trust to help you and support you through this. Have you got supportive family and friends close at hand? You need people who you can call on when you are feeling weak who will help to strengthen your resolve when you are feeling weak. If you haven't, I think that the advice to call Women's Aid is good advice.

I know you say you fancy him rotten and that's all well and good but it's pretty superficial isn't it? We all know that real lasting, meaingful relationships and build on so, so much more than physical attraction. His behaviour is inexcusable and intolerable however good-looking he may be.

I think you know deep down that he is totally wrong for you and you really do owe it to your children too to get him out of your life now if below the superficial exterior that they see he is a actually a negative force in their mothers life. The longer he stays, teh greater the likelihood of that eventually impacting on them at some point - even though the signs of it may not be apparent now.

Who knows, if you can move on, you may eventually meet someone who can be the sort of partner to you that you know you deserve and that will be good for all of you.

It might not happen for a few years but you'll know that when it does it will be a breath of fresh air although I would say that after an abusive raltionship you will eed to let the dust settle and give yourself a breather to regroup and take stock of your life. The last think you should do is dive into another relationship.

Why is it that women always seem to go for the shits and never the good guys eh?

SHY... i though GUVK said it very very well....re- read it...brilliant !!

Thanks Kellbell - I agree with what you're saying and yes, it's easier said than done to just kick 'him into touch'
That said, all the messaging isn't helping me to move on and I think I have to resolve to switch my phone off and lock it away for now! I do have support from friends and family if I need it and all agree with me moving on. Some people find they manage these situations by mixing with others and talking a great deal, I on the other hand find comfort at home with the DC and working things through. I will manage it but it will be tough. The DC seem fine with it ATM and I'll be doing as much as possible socially with them to keep us busy.

Not that I have ever experienced physical abuse from anyone in the past... I understand what Kazzi is saying and mental abuse is awful. It's so frustrating to be accused of things you haven't done or have absolutely no desire to do but still it falls on deaf ears! Why don't they get it?

The important thing to know is in Domestic violence and abuse cases the woman is actually at a higher risk once the relationship has ended, in 50% of cases the abuse steps up once the relationship has ended, this is often why women are reluctant to leave such relationships or take the perpetrators back as they believe it is safer, and often they are right to believe this particularly where children are involved (they are safer in their bedroom listening to the abuse than they are when meeting up for child contact and there is a risk they could get caught in the crossfire)this is why women struggle to kick abusive men into touch.

In my experience men with a jealousy problem are more likely to turn violent once the relationship has ended, this is a way to prove that he still has his victim under his control, this is also usually when one of the 2 women a week killed in the UK from DV is killed

I really can't answer why they dont get it, i think its because they convince themselves so much that what they think is true that no other answer is acceptable to them. I cant tell you how many times I thought it would have been easier to actually lie and say "yes I have been shagging that person" just because it was what he wanted to hear, he would have probably slapped me for it but at least it would have been a temporary end to the mental abuse.

You know, there's only so many times you can tell someone the same things over and over and over again before you have to resign yourself to the fact that they are never going to hear it.

Abusers know the right buttons to press and it is a classic manipulative controlling behaviour to swing from nasty and vitriolic to very contrite - turning on the tears and trying to "guilt trip" the other party are others classics too.

They will manipulate and twist things and make the other party start to question whether they are at fault after all. It is classic messing with your head. Always remember, emotional abuse can sometimes be more damaging than physical abuse - more emotionally draining and can leave deeper scars long term. Just because someone doesn't physically strike you shouldn't detract from the seriousness of emotional abuse and the impct it can have on a person's self esteem and sense of self-worth. It can quite literally break a person.

You need to trust actions not words - words are cheap and actions speak louder than words.

If your DP has shown you through his actions that he is not the man you want, expect, or need him to be for you and your children you have to cut your losses sooner rather than later as painful as that is.

People can lose literally years of their lives to an abusive relationship as it goes through its cycle of high points and low points. You have to accept that life is just too short and way too precious to waste any more time hoping that he will change and be the whole time, the person that you see brief glimpes of.

He is flawed and as sad as that may be, for you and your children - and even him too -you can never change that just by loving him.

Have a look at this link Shy - it might help you to clarify your thoughts about your DP and your relationship with him:

emotional abuse

How are you getting on today ShyandMighty?

I hope you leaving the thread means that your off keeping busy with your DC and not busy letting him worm his weasaly way back in!

Keep strong. There is a better life waiting for you beyond him.

Yes today has been busy with the DC and not much time to dwell. I feel a bit more positive and kept my phone switched off today. Need to get it out soon though as rely on it for the alarm - will need to get a clock instead.
Very informative link to Emotional Abuse and I could identify with most, if not all of it. It's true it can be very gradual and quite subtle and before you know it, you're well and truly suckered in!
I don't think he has quite managed to knock all the stuffing out of me, I still feel I have a bit of the old me inside...

Update: Had a long chat with a nice lady from Woman's Aid today and she said something interesting... Often the feeling of 'never loving anyone as much as you've loved an EA partner' is very common. They can make it feel that way for us by being around so much, when they aren't there you're totally lost without them...It does feel a bit like that.
Anyway, am meeting with her tomorrow again and she also suggested The Freedom Programme, a rolling 12 week course I can join at any time which would help me sort my side of things.
I'm happy I've taken this step today and although I do have family/friends in RL who are 100% behind me, I don't want to feel railroaded into pulling myself back together.
I am happy just with the DC's and I have one very close GF I have spoken to, who understands how I feel as far as the emotional attachment goes and that it's going to take time to feel happy/normal again.

I've not personally done the freedom programme but my womens aid worker gave me the booklet produced by them "Living with the Dominator", very interesting reading I could relate to near enough every part of it.

She's spot on about emotional abuse, these men know exactly what they're doing they make you need them, this way you're more likely to go back to them.

Not sure which area you live in but in some areas womens aid fund victims of DV to go on confidence building courses, I went on a 10 week programme which was fantastic, also met some great girls there which was good to know I wasnt alone and not the only person suffering from this.

Yes Kazzi, will be good for me to meet some women who understand.
Have had my phone with me today as have been out and about. Have had texts today saying...'I'm waiting for you here at blah, blah place, I'll be here 'till 4pm, if you don't turn up I KNOW you don't want me' ?????
Text to say I'm doing my own thing with counseling etc and he texts back saying...'I'm not reading your texts, they're too hurtful, so, I'm here waiting for you'
Of course he's reading my texts! Can't believe a word he says!

Hi ShyandMighty. I'm so glad to hear you're taking positive steps by talking to the lady from Women's Aid. If anyone knows about this sort of shit, they do nad they're properly qualified to help you in the best way possible too.

I totally get what you mean about not wanting to feel railroaded into pulling yourself back together again - it makes perfect sense to me.

You are in the very, very early stages of becoming yourself again. At the moment it's all about trying to muster the strength to actually make the break because you are still totally tied to him emotionally.

You are also extrmely vulnerable right now - almost as vulnerable as a baby bird who has fallen out of the nest. I hope that doesn't sound lame or patronising, but what I mean is that when someone has brainwashed you into thinking that you almost can't function effectively on an level without them you are bound to feel vulnerable. It's a bit like people who get brainwashed into cults - they have to find themselves all over again. The real you is still in there but it has become lost or severely diluted.

Your DP will know exactly how to play on your vulnerability and to exploit it to his advantage - which of course is ultimately to get back into your life and carry on where he left off with the control, abuse and manipulation.

You are going through the cycle of abuse that was identified in the link I sent you and all you need to do right now is to find the courage and strength to break it - not to do any more than that at the moment.

Let this lady you're talking to from Women's Aid and your friend support you through it because achieving that is the most important thing for you and is your priority right now. If you can do that it will be a major breakthrough and give you a foundation to work from. The rest can take its course naturally in it's own good time.

We hear so many of these cases and so many stories of women who unfortunately don't find the strength and courage to escape and stay mired in these relationships for years, effectively existing, not living.

What you're going through now must be an absolutely tremendous emotional wrench and seem like a living nightmare but you will look back one day and be able to see with clarity that getting out was the best thing you ever did.

Take one day at a time on your road to recovery (because that's what it is) and don't expect too much from yourself too soon. You're on a journey now, it won't be an easy one but one well worth making. It may not feel like it now at the start but it can only lead to good things and better times ahead where you can enjoy the freedom that is your right to truly be yourself. Stay positive and optimistic and I'll be thinking of you and sending you loads and loads of positive vibes!!

If you're ever feeling wobbly, please make sure you log on here where I'm sure there will always be a friendly non-judgemental listening ear!

Kellbell I couldnt have put it better myself. I think its hard sometimes for people to understand how much emotional abuse actually affects you. After 11 years under the control of my ex partner (we werent together for the last 5 years of that! Thats the lengths he went to just to keep me under control using the children as a way of doing this). For me the final straw was when I started a new job and he was temporarily looking after the children until I could sort out after school care etc, I went to collect the children from him and he attacked me in front of them. He was arrested but got off with a caution and it was at this point I decided enough was enough and went to womens aid, I can't thank them enough for the support they've given me in not only listening to me and acknowledging what had happened but also the fantastic ongoing support I received.....and still receive from them. Without the help from them I think it would have certainly taken me a lot longer to get my life back on track, when your self esteem has taken a serious battering getting back on the right track isn't easy......but with the right support it IS possible xx

Thanks both for your support today...
It feels much like a bereavement, totally raw and never leaves my thoughts completely.
I have a certain amount of guilt to deal with too, in the fact that, although things were bad at times, a certain amount of progress had been made over recent times and this is what he cannot come to terms with. I feel I am turning my back on that progress because he has had a set-back at is currently in denial again!
I don't know whether emotionally controlling partners can ever be rehabilitated and it would be interesting to hear from anyone who might know.
Anyway, for now, I have to concentrate my efforts on myself and the DC's and take each day at a time.

My personal view (not sure if any research is available to back this up but I will look when I get chance) is that these bullies will never change, they have problems that stem from way back, most probably how they were brought up and the type of childhood they had. They will never change if they won't acknowledge they have a problem and its highly unlikely they will admit they have a problem.......apart from when they use it as a sob story to suck in their next victim.
There are perpetrator programmes available, certainly the freedom programme is available to men and I know of a few others, but they can't guarantee success. I also know that anger management isn't good for men like this, all it actually does is help them keep their anger under control only for it to explode even more behind closed doors.

Of course there were good times in your relationship, my ex used to constantly remind me of the good times whilst conveniently forgetting the bad (bad far outweighed the good)

shy, I have been lurking

You have had great advice, so I won't add any more

I just wanted to wish you luck, and think you have really done the right thing

likewise I dont think I've any more advice to add, but will keep checking back every now and again just to see how things are, all the best xxxxx

Thanks all x

Guilt is probably the key feeling that an abuser thrives on in order to maintain his power.

If he can make you feel guilty for ending the relationship it means that he has again successfully shifted the blame away from him and onto you. It is a clever tool and all part of the control. If you let those feelings get the better of you, the logical conclusion will be that you give him one more chance, the cycle will begin over again and you will be back to square one again.

It?s giving into these thoughts and feelings, and the ?one last chance? mentality that keeps women in the cycle of abuse for years and years. This is exactly the mindset that you need to break free from.

Were all of the issues that led you to seek counselling his, or were they yours too?

If they were all his, then the problems were his and not yours in the first place. Therefore, you need not feel guilty about the fact that he needed that counselling in the first place, or if it's not working and he's had a set-back. In agreeing to the counseling in the first place and wanting to stay with him regardless of his serious control and jealousy issues, you have done all that you possibly could have to support and show a real genuine commitment to him and your relationship already. There is no need for you to feel any guilt whatsoever.

In life, everyone is responsible for their own actions and everyone has a limit too.
You should not feel guilty about admitting that after 3 years you've reached yours.

You have your life to lead and your impressionable children to think about too.

I don't know what sexes your children are but have you stopped to think about the sort of role model he will make for them? If you have DDs, will his control extend to them when they become older? If you have DSs will they think that the way he acts towards you is the way they should act in their relationships with women? If you have one of each then it's double trouble! They are getting older too and will become more aware of undercurrents in the household which could maybe have been more easily hidden from them when they were younger.

There is so much more to this than possibly meets the eye at first. But nevertheless, you need to try to bear these sorts of things in mind even though I appreciate that your emotions are very raw at the moment.

Even if he could be ?rehabilitated? how long might that take? How much more time and emotional energy are you prepared to invest in someone who has not been able to show you over the last 3 years that he is able to change? And at what cost would that be to you and your family, with no guarantee of success at the end of it anyway?

Hi all. Just to say, I've ben for my appt with the Women's Aid lady today and we did lots of form filling and had a chat.
Actually, it wasn't quite the relief I was hoping for and talking about things was very upsetting. I had planned to go to the supermarket afterwards but had to come straight home - I looked a real wreck!
She has recommended I attend the Freedom Programme and it's something else to think about as a way forward.
Today has been one of the worst days so far, especially as the DC's have been asking lots of questions and saying how much they miss him. Have tried to be as honest as possible with them re: hostilities etc but they disagree he was so bad!
What do I do to make it easier on them?

Gosh tough question, the kids always take it harder because at the end of the day its their daddy and they never see the bad in their parents. When I went through all this my main focus was keeping myself and the kids occupied and having fun, something simple like a little tea party and a karoake party can work wonders, keep the focus on smiling and laughing and show a positive front (and thats bloody hard coz all I wanted to scream about was my ex being a wanker)

I won't lie to you its a very draining process having to constantly go through everything with WA also if you get a solicitor involved you have to do it all again, its natural to feel tearful, shut yourself away and cry if you need to theres nothing worse than bottling things up.

I dont think that Shy's DP is her children's natural father though is he? I think she said she'd been with him for 3 years and her DCs were 11 and 9. That said, at those ages he's still been around for a significant part of their lives and is bound to be important to them. For how long out of those 3 years has he been living with you as a family Shy?

It is hard to know what to do for the best as far as your DCs are concerned. What was their relationship like with him Shy?

Although this is tough on you all at the moment, one thing you can focus on (and I know it's a hackneyed old cliche) is that children are incredibly resilliant and they have an ability to bounce back if other aspects of thier lives remain stable and constant - i.e they keep up their usual routines with school, friends, other family members, hobbies/activities etc and of course you are the one constant factor in their lives - their anchor and the one they look to. They wil draw comfort and security from the things that are familiar to them.

Whatever shit is going on around them it is importnant to maintain a degree of tactful honestly with them too but at the same time shielding them from it as far as is practical and possible.

In your shoes, I think I would be tempted to tell them that there was a lot that went on between you two as grown ups that they as children could not, or would not, be expected to understand at their ages. Say that the reason that things didn't maybe appear to be so bad to them was because you both tried your very best to make sure that they didn't see arguing because neither of you wanted them to be upset or worried. Maybe you could find a book in the library that might help you tackle the issues that might arise from the separation from the children's point of view sensitively? There are lots of books aimed at children that deal with all sorts of "issues" that affect them. Just a thought...

I think the main problem you have here really is them possibily still wanting to see your DP. Had he been their natural father the issue of access would have been far more cut and dried but here, with abuse being an issue, I think that there is a very real possibility that your he could use the children as a way back to you. Obviously that's something you need to be alive to.

At the moment you are a bit like a drug addict going cold turkey and it's to be expected that you are having very, very bad days. It is early days and you shouldn't feel despondent. Broaching the subject with the children is bound to make it all seem worse too because you're now having to deal with their upset as well as your own too. I can see that might bring feelings of guilt on your part too, which are more understandable because you introduced him into thier lives.

It may not feel like it but you have come a long way already and you should be very proud of yourself.

Try and remain positive and focus on better times ahead in the future, rather than dwelling on the past. If you must dwell in the past try and balance your tendancy to dwell only on the good times with remembering the bad times too - the times he "stonewalled" your DC when in a mood and didn't let you visit your parents and all the nasty, hurtful things he said to you.

Your DCs will I'm sure bounce back from this with the right support from you and others close to them.

With the right support you will all make it out of this and move on to better things.

Ahhhhh sorry if I've got that wrong

Even so, I stand by the rest of my post though, you need to concentrate on positive things. Talk with your children about how they feel. Chances are they're feeling pretty mixed up about things too.