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Why do I always end up trying to please everyone else?

12 replies

crystaltips · 06/05/2003 11:04

I'm sick to death with being walked all over.
And I am sick to death trying to please everyone else.
I've just had a real "telling off" from friend "A" because I contacted a mutual friend "B" ( at her hsuband's request ) after she'd split up with him. I had previously discussed with friend "A" that we wouldn't get involved as it was rather a touchy subject.
Now I'm being scolded for offering the support in the first place and friend "A" thinks that it makes her look bad.
Are we still in the play ground ?
Also I am on another thread discussing a "friend" who told be to make a pudding for her party.
I think that my problem is that I don't like confrontation and I feel really guilty saying no. But now I am going to be tied in knots all day because these people have told me off and taken advantage of my good nature.
I AM 38 years old !
Rant Over !

OP posts:

Badee · 06/05/2003 11:10

Crystaltips - after you've got that off you're chest do you now feel inspired to stand up for yourself? I think you should. Like you say, we're not in the playground afterall!!

And as for the pudding 'friend'..... you should really confront her. Send her a letter asking her what the hell she did with your pudding!!!!


Clarinet60 · 06/05/2003 11:16

Crystaltips, I think there are some people you need to be straight with. I know this because I've been in similar predicaments myself, but hearing it described objectively makes it easier to see more clearly.
I think you need to tell a couple of people to go to hell.
Their reaction isn't even worth considering - they don't deserve you.

Both the one who told you off and the one who told you to make the pudding need a right good telling, IMO. It's outrageous.


Finbar · 06/05/2003 11:24

Crystaltips -you have my total do think by the time we'd reached our thirties we'd be better at this - but i suppose old habits die hard! I have only told a few people in my life to naf off (there were more i should have done it too!) but it did feel good!
But it's easy for us lot to tell you what you should do - harder to actually do it....good luck


Tortington · 06/05/2003 11:24

know what you mean and great sympathies.

if something happens to me where i feel like i have been taken advantage of then i usually think about it for a day, dont sleep, cry to hubby, shout a lot at home, then get some guts and confront said person nicely to say "i was ofended" or "what did you mean?"

its hard i know


Marina · 06/05/2003 11:26

Crystaltips, it's because you're nicer, more mature and have a more balanced perspective than these other women. They don't like that, at some level or other, so they are trying to wrong-foot you and make you feel bad about your inherent reasonableness.
It's hard I know, especially to confront manipulative and domineering people, so you might prefer to just withdraw from contact. I found this worked really well with one person who was making my life miserable, in that she dropped me (like I cared) and my life was much nicer as a result.
Could not agree more about the playground stuff - kindergarten is supposed to be for children.


mmm · 06/05/2003 12:42

Yes, we are still in the playground...of life! it's a bloody bore but we'll always have this sort of shit to deal with I think. If you put yourself out for people and speak your mind and feel with your heart and act spontaneously unpleasant misunderstandings will crop up from time to time and you'll be made to feel like a wee girl in the playground. I agree with Marina about you being nice/ responsible and caring and know that we love you here (and now) she said in old hippy way!


happyspider · 07/05/2003 22:47

Crystaltips, maybe you're not going to like what I say, but I think that when we do something for somebody we choose to do it or not.
If it gives you pleasure or if you think it is the right thing to do, then go ahead and do it and don't feel you are being walked over if your friends react the way they do.
As for your friend's pudding, if you still consider her a friend, just think she enjoyed the pudding and you are happy for that.
Or, if you don't think it's worth to have her as a friend anymore, just stop going to her parties. When she invites you just say that you are busy and never return her invitations.

You should take a hard look at your friends and really decide which are the ones you want to keep and which ones are not friends anymore and get rid of them.
I guess you can Feng Shui your friends too, I don't think you are a doormat, just in need of some tidying up.


janh · 08/05/2003 14:20

Crystaltips, sorry, but to be fair to your friend A, presumably she also would have liked to offer support to friend B, but didn't because you had both agreed to stay out of it.

You did break your would have been OK if you had mentioned to A what you planned to do, so that she could then make her own decision, but as it was she must have heard later what had happened (who from?) and yes, it did make her look bad. I think she is justified in being miffed.

Puddingwoman is a different matter. She does want a good slapping.


meanmum · 08/05/2003 14:31

A question slightly off the tangent but do you (Crystaltips that is) think that this trait may be contributing to other issues you are having in your life. I know you raised an issue on a previous thread that we spoke about and haven't raised it again but maybe this is contributing to that.

It's hard to stand up for yourself and I think it's human nature to want to be liked. I think most people generally tend to walk away and then realise they should have said something. I agree with the advice of Custardo though, go back and say something. Don't let it linger. If they are good friends they will understand the perspective you give them and take on board your comments. No one likes negative feedback but reassure them that their friendship is important to you and because of that you believe that you need to share with them how you are feeling and you owe them honesty etc.


crystaltips · 08/05/2003 19:55

janh - I never thought of it from my friend's point of view. Thank you - she probably feels rather let down and in need of an apology from me. Friendship is a 2-way street isn't it? I have to admit when I am bein inconsiderate too don't I?

meanmum - I'm meeting her tomorrow for a coffee and a slice of humble pie. It is not very attractive always thinking that you ( I mean me ) are right all the time.

Thank you for making me see the other side!

But yes - pudding woman is not really worth the effort.

OP posts:

crystaltips · 09/05/2003 18:12

Well, met my friend and apologised for my insenitivity and said that I never thought of the situation from her point of view. I totally took the wind out of her sails ( as she can be quite confrontational sometimes )
She just said that it wasn't a problem and thanked me for being so frank !

SO thanks girls .... off to the party

OP posts:

meanmum · 09/05/2003 18:21

Fantastic news. Hope you are also happy with the outcome.

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