Advice re DB being babied by Mum- affecting my relationship with her

[notamumyetbutoneday]

Such a long story but I'll try to be brief! My brother is 23, 24 next month. Im married but live about 15mins away from my parents and DB lives with them.

My issue is this: DB has always been 'young' for his age and not very independent- complete opposite to me. He graduated 2 years ago and since then has been working 2 days per week in a shop (not related to his degree or what he wants to do). He did find another job which was related to his degree but again this was only 2 days per week and this job ended badly (basically the employer was not paying him, more of which later).

Since then he has been applying for the odd job here and there but a token effort to appease my Dad rather than actually looking for work. Essentially he is being supported financially by my parents, and my Mum seems quite happy for this to continue. She is very defensive of him if anyone mentions him only working part-tim.In truth i think she enjoys the time they are spending together as they basically spend every day together!

Regards the job which ended badly, he is now taking the employer to a tribunal and I have agreed to represent him as he is not a confident speaker, which i am fine with and I want to support him. But as a result my mum seems to have handed the entire 'baton' of the case over to me, and is expecting me to fill out all the forms, make all the phonecalls, deal with the case completely whilst DB does nothing!

it is really affecting my relationship with both of them in that I love both of them dearly but am starting to feel completely cheesed off and rather 'used' in the sense that all my Mum ever talks about is DB and is really babying him- eg my parents went on holiday for two weeks recently and she insisted that I do all his washing and cook for him or she wouldnt be able to relax on holiday. needless to say my DH was less than impressed.

Goodness me I have ranted on for ages!

If anyone managed to get to the end I would really love some advice, or to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

Does your brother have no friends? Seems odd for a 23 year old bloke to be desperate to go to big sisters for the evening. He may well eat alot of sandwiches and easy meals, that's what people who live alone often do. Nothing wrong with that. I agree re having ready answers like "mum he's an adult, if he wants to eat a sandwich that's up to him". "Mum I have my own family to look after I'm not going to look after my adult brother, he should be able to look after himself, he's old enough to be a father"
"mum if you keep trying to manipulate me re my brother and make me feel guilty I'm going to get angry. Concentrate on your holiday and stop trying to baby a grown man."

Wow, no wonder some DILs have problems with MILs! Your brother is a lazy so and so (in the nicest of ways ) but when he meets a good woman, he is going to expect the same.

My brother is 12, his mother (my step mum) babies the life out of him and even at his age I think it is way too much. He comes down to stay with DH and I and he gets made to do things he never ever has to do at home: make his bed, put his dinner plates in the dishwasher, help set the table, clear up and so on. Don't think step mum likes that we make him do these things "oh, he's just a boy" etc, but tough! Our house, our rules and he loves coming to stay and doesn't complain at helping out.

No way would I run around after a 23 year old like that!

Some really good tips- thank you. I think rehearsing the answers would really really help. DH and I had a good chat about it last night and I feel much better for getting it off my chest both on here and with him, and now I have decided what to do (that I won't collude in this any longer) its almost a relief.

God god. "mummy's likkle soldier"

I hope to god he never marries. His poor wife would have a rotten life - the mil from hell with her nothing's good enough for my baby / are you feeding him properly etc, plus him not knowing how to do anything for himself.

OK here's my opinion...

Are you certain there are no undiagnosed special needs, such as borderline autistic spectrum disorder? Because a "normal" man of this age would not like to live with his mum in the way you describe. However, a borderline autistic man might be extremely happy with this situation.

I say this because my 28 year old brother lives with my mum. He has Aspergers (diagnosed as an adult), but has a good FT job and is alright financially.

-There are 2 sorts of mothers who baby their boys like this

1. Those who know their boys need it (like my mum - my brother needs it). She is aware that if nature takes it's course that she will die before him. She is careful all the time to be teaching him stuff for when she is dead. I will need to look out for him when she is dead and I am happy to do this. They live very close to me.

2. Those who don't have a grip on reality (like my MIL). When I started going out with DH (aged 20), DH could not cook baked beans or anything else, could not drive etc etc. I've had to teach him the whole lot! In this situation however, DH did not want to live with his mum throughout his twenties, he wanted to live with me. MIL also brought BIL up in the same way, but he as well wanted to live with a gf from the same sort of age.

I know mothers like to baby boys, but I am dubious as to whether normal adult men consent to this. Is there no more to it?

but even if he does have some mild undiagnosed sn, that's still no reason to create dependence. My boys both have autism and you have to work harder to teach / push them to be as independent as possible. Keeping them dependent on you is bad parenting. My sons are 8 & 10 and can make a simple meal/snack, do chores etc and we are working towards a future where they can take care of themselves with as little support as possible. Like your mum is with your brother. Surely this should be the goal of a parent wherever possible - develop your child to the point where they no longer need you (iyswim). doing everything for them is not helping them - unless they have a disability which physically prevents them from being independent, or lack the sense of danger to keep themselves safe, which doesn't sound like this bloke at all.

Just to clarify he can make simple meals for himself, put a pizza in the oven etc- its just Mum wants to do all this for him, but he is perfectly capable of doing it himself, its just laziness. I think my Mum does it when she is there to feel needed herself- Im sure she likes his reliance upon her- and in her absence she 'worries' (unnecessarily as he isnt going to starve) and expects me to step into the breach.

i don't know much indeed anyhting really about Aspergers or Autism so I really couldn't say whether or not he has characteristics typical of this. The best way I can put it is that he is not a confident person, and is very lazy in terms of preferring to play on his playstation all day rather than apply for jobs. I suppose you would say he is a 'typical teenage boy' but at the age of 23/24.

He does have a social life in terms of friends, he probbaly goes out once a week or so and also plays football with them but other than that hes a t home most of the day or will go shopping with Mum etc. I agree it seems odd for a 23/24 year old to want to do this- I certainly wouldnt and I craved my independence wehn I lived at home.

Re crokky's comments:-

"I know mothers like to baby boys, but I am dubious as to whether normal adult men consent to this. Is there no more to it?"

I can only write from what I have seen with regards to my own brother and BIL here; there is manipulation played out on both sides.

My brother is more than happy to have my parents wait on him hand and foot; he has come to expect it as my Mum in particular has always run around after him. This is about control and these women (who often have deep seated anxiety and control issues) like to feel "important". My brother lives away from them now but my Mum still goes around there a couple of times a week (she does not drive so my Dad takes her to his house) to put his washing on, pick up his ironing and clean the loo. He lives on his own (not surprisingly) and he would make a poor life partner for any poor sap who happens to fall in love with him because he will expect the same from her.

My MIL's situation re her son in a nutshell is that he moved back and has remained there ever since!. He's now 46. Their main mistake, apart from letting him back in, was not to have a full and frank discussion when he returned. They've fallen back into the roles of Mum and Dad and surly teen. It suits my MIL as she likes to take charge and feel important. Her husband plays the bystander role and does nothing.