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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel down because dh is going to claim benefits

16 replies

cupofteaplease · 29/06/2009 21:53

I know this is an awful thing to say, and this post will seem very selfish, but I need to write it down to get things into perspective.

I am in my final week of a PGCE (primary teacher training) and up until 3 weeks ago my dh had a job with a good wage. Money was not fab, but we were doing ok.

Things went wrong just over 3 weeks ago when dh had some bad news at work, and was basically told he had the option of resigning or being sacked (too long to go into the background). Dh quit. I wasn't happy, but agreed that it would be easier to find a job if his CV states resigned rather than dismissed.

So that was 3 weeks ago. He was paid for 7 weeks as they admitted fault. So, dh has been off work for 3 weeks and in that time has only applied for 3 jobs. He has been to CAB today and now has an interview at the job centre tomorrow to start a claim for benefits.

I feel like everything is crumbling around us. We have significant outgoings that will not be anywhere near covered by benefits. Dh doesn't seem fazed, and this is upsetting me even more.

I also feel resentful (selfishly) because we had agreed that I could have a term as a SAHM before job hunting, so I could be at home for my dd1's first term at school, having worked or FT studied all of her life since 15 weeks old. I now feel upset that I am being forced to look for a FT job to start in September, even though are not many teaching jobs around in my area at this late stage in the year. I was so looking forward to being at home for her and dd2.

I don't really know why I am writing this. I just feel our relationship is going to suffer by dh's choosing the benefits route as I am losing repect for him- not because of claiming benefits, but the lack of motivation to job hunt and get back to work.

Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:

flockwallpaper · 29/06/2009 22:00

Sorry to hear that you're having a bad time of it. Maybe DH is really fazed by it but is trying to put on a brave face. It is a tough job market out there and if his industry is like mine ATM, he is lucky to have found 3 jobs to apply for. Presumably if he does find another job that pays okay, you won't need to start a FT job in September, but I suppose the problem ATM is the uncertainty of it all. I hope that he can find something so you don't need to go back before you want to.

norksinmywaistband · 29/06/2009 22:03

Surely it's better to have some money coming in while he searches for work, or do you think he will not bother looking whilst he is claiming the benefit?

Original poster

cupofteaplease · 29/06/2009 22:03

Thanks FWP. I will go back whenever I need to, to a teaching post or even as a TA again, anything if it helps to put a roof over our heads. I just feel uneasy about going to claim handouts. I feel that any job is better than none, whereas dh says jobs are 'beneath him', which makes me feel really sad. It's not like he's a doctor or lawyer!

OP posts:

Original poster

cupofteaplease · 29/06/2009 22:04

norks- that's what I'm worried about I think.

OP posts:

JackBauer · 29/06/2009 22:05

TBH I think he is being perfectly sensible if he is still job hunting. There are not many jobs out there, and a lot of competition, so surely better that there is some money coming in while he looks than nothing?

norksinmywaistband · 29/06/2009 22:06

If he is claiming benefits you need to go for regular interviews to ensure you actively seeking work I believe.

JackBauer · 29/06/2009 22:06

xposts, sorry!

themildmanneredjanitor · 29/06/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deste · 29/06/2009 22:07

Just because he is claiming benefits does not mean he has stopped looking for work. What has happened is not nice but things happen and you have to adjust and if that means working earlier than you planned then so be it. I take it your husband supported you studying to be a teacher. Its now your turn to support him. Give and take. To be honest it might never happen, he could get a job soon. Good luck.

PotPourri · 29/06/2009 22:08

It's really tough. And I think men take it much worse - they are supposed to be the breadwinner and all those old fashioned things. Although he seems not to be bothered, it is possible that he is bricking it but scared to show any weakness. He might even feel emasculated. And he sounds like he is in denial a bit as he is not scrabbling around to find jobs.

I think the best approach is softly, softly. Talk about his interests, make sure his CV is good, talk about what he woudl ideally like to do. This is in fact an ideal opportunity to make a change tha the would never have done. I am guessing that he wasn't happy at his work for some reason too, so this is a good chance for a fresh start. If he sees it as an opportunity, thenhe might get his bum in gear.

Regarding you getting a job - harsh as it is, that's what partnership is about. It's rubbish for you, and really disappointing, but at least you have it in your hands to keep the household going

Hope things look up for you soon

Overmydeadbody · 29/06/2009 22:08

You are not claiming handouts though.

Presumably your DH paid taxes when he was working?Well, this is why he paid taxes. It is just a means to help you while he looks for another job, which will be hard in this market.

Original poster

cupofteaplease · 29/06/2009 22:15

Thanks- I think I needed to hear all of those opinions. I don't know why I'm feeling bad about this. I guess it's because things were finally looking up, after a really hard year on my course and having a MMC at Easter. I was looking forward to having some time at home with my girls and now I'm panicking about putting food on the table. And yes, I'm not sure he'll be entitled to anything either.

OP posts:

TrillianAstrahasaJOB · 29/06/2009 22:19

From what you've said I really don't see how your DH has 'chosen the benefits route'.

He had to leave is job. No choice. He could either:
a) claim benefits and look for jobs
or
b) not claim benefits and look for jobs

It's understandable to be upset at how things have turned out but if you are at all letting on to your DH that you feel that he has chosen this in any way then you are being very unreasonable and unsupportive.

SomeGuy · 30/06/2009 01:09

I don't quite understand this. He needs to apply for jobs, but in the mean time, benefits/money is better than no benefits/money.

Problem is surely that you think he's not trying hard enough to get a job, not the benefits itself.

1dilemma · 30/06/2009 01:20

Maybe you're just feeling sad at what has happened? Better that dh signs on, any money is better than none and as you say it wont be easy to find a job now and if possibility of extra training/advice he wil be eligable for it sooner.

Maybe ask him to help with trimming the family budget to focus his mind a bit?

beanie35 · 30/06/2009 06:39

I am in exactly the same position. I have just got a degree and have worked so hard for it, but last week I had to go and sign on for both myself and my dp (he has been looking for work for over a year).

I know its a worry, I spend hours fretting over how we will cope financially. It must have been very tough for your dp to have to go down to the jobcentre, believe me they are not the nicest of places. However, he like many of us is doing the best he can in these difficult times. He might not say it, but he is probably feeling just as fed up that he can't support you being at home as you had planned.

I wish you all the best of luck.

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