marriage in BIG trouble - dh always grumpy, I'm fed up of it, he thinks I don't love him anymore, can't get through to him..

[cuppa]

Dh is a stroppy arse, he gets the hump about everything. He's always shouting at the kids, v. impatient. Once he's calmed down he is really rational & great and insightful. BUT only after he's been really grumpy and horrible. He'll moan we'r taking too lang, meal time are a nightmare.

TBH I'm fed up of it. He gets me & the kids down. It really feels like a 'him' and 'us' situation.

Every row at the moment is about this. tbh he hreminds me now of my really bullying step dad when I was a kid.

Problem is he just now doesn't hear me. He doesn't seem to try to stop being grumpy. He just hears'oh, you hate me, you're sick of me, it's you and the kids together and me, he's even started asking if he should leave.

I don't want my marriage to end. He has always been a stroppy arse but at the same time fun, loving, clever, wise. But now he's just stroppy all the time. it's much much worse. But if I ever speak to him or have a go at him about being to hard on the kids he just gets angry and says i'm only ever having a go at him about his behaviour, but never seems to try and change.

DO I just accept living with a shouty angry grumpy arse? Clearly how I'm handling it is all wrong as it's not having the desired affect - him being less grumpy - and is just driving him away.

It's not a happy home.
2 nights ago we went out for a meal. One of our dc didn't like what we got him. Dh went on and on and on really badgering him (he's 9). he wouldn't stop when I pointed it out, ds in tears at the table, still wouldn't stop. So i went for little walk with ds who was really hurt and angry. He wouldn't come back to the table and wouldn't play, and I was so pissed off I went home with him. Dh furious and saying I was large part of the problem. Maybe I am, but I can't stand his badgering bullying gurmpy stroppiness all the time.
We went shopping yesterday for new stuff kids needed. We'd said they could have an ice cream. Only been there short while when he realised how late it was, went off on one about them having ice cream too close to lunch time, how everything takes so long, I said well with kids it just does take time, we hadn't been there that long, maybe half an hour. I feel like he's always fed up with us. He feels I'm always having a go at him. It isn't a very happy home at the moment How do I change it??????

Thanks for your honesty Cuppa and I can imagine how you must be feeling. You know the signs now, don't you? An instinct also kicks in, just as it did when I read your post.

The strategy you're proposing means that things are likely to come to a head, but there are risks. Having done this before, he could have become a dab hand in covering his tracks and even if you ask to see the phone there and then, there might be nothing to see, because he makes sure he deletes everything on the way home. There are SIM card readers you can buy, that read the last 20 or so deleted texts, but for that you would still need his password and access to his phone.

If you confront him and he denies it all again, he might start covering his tracks even more. I suspect he might storm off in a strop saying this is the last straw etc and he can't live with someone with so little trust. This will be his way of getting you to feel you are to blame for his behaviour.

I still feel the better way to go about this would be some more covert snooping, then at least you won't have that feeling that you are going mad when being faced with outright denials.

What about removing his SIM card completely and putting it in your phone? It shouldn't need a password to do that. You could do this after he's gone to bed. When he finds his phone is dead as a doornail in the morning, I bet he won't necessarily think to check if the SIM card is there and might think the phone has frozen or is faulty? You've then got to hope (bad word, but you know what I mean) that if there is an OW, she texts him before he manages to tell her he is without a phone.

Any chance you could turn up at his workplace on some pretext? You might also spot something while you're there. Other work colleagues are often very embarrassed and tend to avoid talking to a betrayed spouse. You can also look at the body language of the women there and well, you will just know won't you?

Might also be worth checking his car tonight for anything you can find, but again you'd need to be sure he won't wake up and discover what you are doing.

It might also be worth starting a whole new thread entitled "snooping tactics" because there are some fantastic sleuths on here, who might not necessarily have read your thread.

It might help us to advise you if you give us a little more detail about how you found out last time, who the OW was and what your rebuilding process has been like. Is it possible it is the same OW or someone different?

I'm so very sorry if our instincts are right.It is a horrible place to be and you need a big hug for all this. Do come on for support what ever you decide to do.

As he has done it before, and the signs are the same, it really does sound as if he is, unfortunately.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your plan, and to be honest, as he has had an affair before, if you don't completely trust him that's fair enough. If he's innocent, he should still be understanding that you feel insecure and the signs have worried you because it's similar to last time. If he feels hurt by your suspicion, well he should lump it, it's perfectly reasonable in the partner of someone who's done it before.

As he denied it last time, how did you find out in the end?

he just bought a new computer one day when I was out and was setting it all up, inc. mail. When I came in he was showing me it, and just sort of switched off the mail really quickly and shiftily, so I looked at it and it was an email from work colleague declaring her love, oh and discussing his work .

He's just sent an sms telling me he'll be a bit late home tonight.

I'm going to have to confront him tonight - I cannot sit on something like this, I've done nothing today fetting about it. And I'll never get evidence - apart from that one slip - and it was only cos he'd just bought new computer, there were no other clues at all last time. Nothing.

ok, have to be brief. we talked. I asked him he denied. I think I beleive him. I want to believe him. it was not fun. Hope it's (another) wake up call for us to work on our marriage more. It has been very hard recovering from the affair. I'd say we're still recovering from it. It wuld be awful to think the last 2 years have been for nothing. I will try harder to pay him more attention and be less critical if he feels so attacked. I think it has been made abundantly clear that his bad moods/snappiness/temper is too much and he needs to control it. I really hope he is telling the truth. Onwards and upwards eh? Thanks for your input xxx It's hard isn't it?

Okay Cuppa. Thanks for coming on so early, as had been worrying about you. I'm glad it sounds as though you have some peace and as you say, maybe this is a wake-up call about the grumpiness and stroppiness. It's also probably a wake-up call about the fact that trust is still not entirely there, which is understandable in my opinion.

If you have time, let us know whether you did ask to look at his phone/E mails.

I also think it might be worth being on the alert and to think about the suggestions on here for verifying what he's said, but only you know whether you can do that, or whether you want to do that.

It IS hard, Cuppa. I really don't think my DH would ever do anything like this again, but I can't see a time when I will trust so blindly like I did before. I have often said that if he did it again, the decision to end the marriage would be really straightforward and so I don't fear that in itself. I think I have a greater fear of being duped again and I know that if I ever got those suspicions again, I'd do everything in my power to check them out.

Hope you have a better day. I spoke to my DH about this last night incidentally and he said that in your DH's position, he would be horrified that his behaviour had caused any doubts to re-surface and would be berating himself for that. He said that he would at that point be doing everything in his power to prove his innocence and that he would understand why that was necessary.

So I hope your DH volunteered passwords and some more information. I also think it would be good to meet his work colleagues and make the place he spends so much time at, a part of your family life. Compartmentalising such significant bits of your life together is not a good idea when you are still rebuilding trust, in my opinion.