To try or not to try

[polkadotty]

I'm in a very happy relationship with my DP and after agreeing to start trying for a baby this year, back in January, I've been waiting for the green light to get cracking.

My DP had said that certain financial things had to be sorted before we could start trying so I've been holding out but also explaining to him that we are financially a lot better off than most people having children and that there will never be a perfect time anyway. He insisted that we wait. I was frustrated but respected that this was something important to him.

Yesterday he finds out that his best friend's wife is pregnant - he tells me he has some 'exciting news' for me and drops this bombshell. I was gutted. I've been trying to be patient, but everybody I know is having babies at the moment.

He then tells me he has other exciting news - that after hearing this news, he has decided he thinks we should start trying after all. I was furious with him, unbelievably hurt and desperately upset. (some of you probably think I should have just cracked open the bubbly and been celebrating) but...

Because his best friend is doing it, it must be ok? Did he think I would be so upset at the news that he thought he better just give in? This couple are the first in our group of friends to be pregnant and the thought of 'jumping on the baby bandwagon' makes me feel physically sick. I know that we've been planning to have a baby well before this other couple and though you may think I'm totally irrational, I was totally devastated.

He told me that he had in fact been afraid, that having a baby was a huge thing but that knowing this other couple are expecting, has reassured him! I should have been enough reassurance! Not having his best buddy there to hold his hand. I just can't get over it. I feel he has betrayed me, lying to me all this time, getting my hopes up thinking I was waiting for these financial issues to be resolved and actually I wasn't.

He acknowledges he was being selfish but I just don't know what to do.

I do want to start trying but not like this. So now I feel so torn. I feel my trust and bond with him has been broken because he wasn't honest with me. He is genuinely sorry, I know that - he was physically sick when he thought I was going to leave because I reacted so badly to this 'exciting news'.

What do I do? We've kind of sorted some things out - I said that we should just forget about what he said, see how things go and then when my next cycle begins, see how we feel about trying then. But every time I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach. This is something I've wanted for so long but now I just don't know whether it is a good idea. I'm so hurt.

Please, does anyone have any advice?

You have to let this go. It's silly, and you're making a big fuss about nothing. You can only get into a competition with this woman if you let yourself.

I understand about the morbid fear you won't be able to conceive - I was right there with you, terrified I'd have problems. But I didn't, and chances are you won't either.

You really need to view having children as something between you and your partner. All this hanky-flapping about which of your friends has married / got pregnant first doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

of course you are not deranged for wanting a family

but you are ,in the nicest possilbe way,being silly

for whatever reason you are competing with this other woman and allowing your negative feelings about her to poison what should be a lovely time ofexcitememnt adn joy as you lookforward to starting a family

for whatver reason, your DH now wnts to have a baby with you.

don;t throw it back in his face that you are upset because of her , you will sound very silly and a little bit immature

so what she is pregnant first??

this is only about yuo and your DH
unless you are having second thoughts and looking for a way to back out

You do sound a bit barking tbh.
I think you've let this get to you too much.

This other woman is a nutter who is competing on getting engaged, getting married and now starting a family.

You say you've not been bothered at her competitiveness with regards to getting engaged and getting married as you're happy with things as they are with your DP.
Try and think about this the same way. You want a baby now. Your DP wants a baby now (despite being scared before, now he is happy to go ahead), roll with that and focus on your own life and happiness and your future baby.
Who cares why or when this other woman is having a baby? Forget her.

Polkadotty, I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't think you see this as a competition at all.

DP and I started ttc 2 years ago - his idea, having waited a few years for me to come round. I had 2 v. early m/cs, and we don't have our baby yet. Last summer, DP's brother announced his girlfriend was pregnant. They would have been together less than a month when she conceived.

I was outwardly delighted but inwardly deflated. DP however was absolutely crushed. One of the reasons he wanted us to have a baby was to give his parents the joy of their first grandchild. When it became clear his brother had 'beaten him to it' (see me ironically going along with the notion of competition?) he lost interest in us ttc. I felt furious, cheated and so, so sad that his desire for a child had been influenced by anything outside our relationship, i.e. the desire to please his parents. Of course I would love to give my parents a grandchild too, but that would be a bonus and not a driving factor.

I think that your reaction is all about this realisation that your DP can be swayed by friends in such a personal matter which should be about no-one in the world but you and him. It wouldn't have occured to me, or I guess to you, to re-evaluate my plans for a family in either direction according to what friends are up to.

To all those of you with kids telling the OP she is being selfish/unreasonable/whatever: I suspect you haven't had the experience of being genuinely happy for friends and loved ones while AT THE SAME TIME devastated that the same joy isn't coming your way, and maybe never will do. Unsuccesful ttc unleashes all kinds of demons you won't meet if you haven't been in that situation. Of course it isn't right to show your pain when others , but it isn't wrong to feel it.

OP, your DP sounds lovely underneath it all and it sounds like you have a strong relationship. Maybe your DP just has a few things he needs to work out for himself. I hope a family works out for you.

Sorry, 'when others get pregnant without apparently having thought so deeply about it' (penultimate para)

Flora But the OP hasn't been TTC and failed. So her story is not the same as yours.

And the OP has said she has been happy for everyone except this particular woman.

I hope I have not come over as unsympathetic. Of course anyone is entitled to feel the way they feel. We have just been attempting to challenge some faulty reasoning on her part.

And get her to see her DHs point of view.

No the story is not the same. I apologise for posting too much detail.

The analogy is that the DP's attitude towards ttc has been altered by the circumstances of someone external to the relationship.

That is hard to take.

Please try to just enjoy your own journey. There are definite benefits to being a little later than your friends. You will still have a beautifiul cuddly newborn all warm, soft and perfect whilst they will have a 4,5,6 etc month old with cradle cap, snot and ear wax

I have just taken my snotty 6 month old round to my friend with a newborn and am feeling more than a little broody

Polkadotty

I've scanned this thread and I can see there is a lot going on here but I just wanted to say...

I wanted kids for a long time before DH felt ready (financially, emotionally etc). I felt very strangely about other people's pregnancies at times and hated myself for it.

Even when DH agreed to start trying I don't believe he was really ready until a short time after we were actually pregnant.

Try to focus on what is important - that you and DP want to have a baby together. You have both arrived at the decision at different paces and through different processes. That's life.

DH and I finally have a DS together and had a miscarriage along the way. I know it is easy for me to say this now that I have a child but you will look back on the feelings you have now and wonder what it was all about and none of it will matter anymore.

How old are you?
There is a danger you will drive your dp away .
I think your reaction was extremely unbalanced .

The other woman has a right to change her mind about when she wants children. The fact she said previously she did not want any soon then changed her mind has no bearing on you and dp.

Good luck with getting pregnant but lay off your dh with the heavy emotional stuff.

Of course this stuff is very emotional but you have to keep your more unreasonable emotions in check

goodness me I just read that back and it sounds really harsh written down, sorry for that.

Please don't get so upset with your dh, I really don't think it is needed, he sounds lovely

Flora You don't have to apologise! You have a right to share your experiences. And it was rude of me to dismiss what you said that like I did.

It is very difficult to explain all the background to this.

So it isn't surprising that you think I'm crazy, spoilt, juvenile, a miscarriage-wisher (though absolutely abhorrent for anyone to suggest, actually).

We have had an extremely difficult past ten months where my DP has actually been extremely selfish - quitting his job at the height of the worst economic crisis, without any consideration for me and the pressure it put on me as sole breadwinner.

Plans had to be put back as he couldn't make up his mind what job he wanted, before realising that actually in this climate, you don't have that luxury, you have to take what you can get.

I was extremely supportive during this time even though I have endured endless bullying from my boss and wish I could just quit too.
There was a lot of resentment that built up within me during those months when he was unemployed but I never said a word. He is a fabulous person and I love him dearly but a lot of things that we should have said weren't because we didn't want to hurt each other.

Yes, there is an envy that they have been lucky enough not to have all these issues and were able to go ahead with their (totally reasonable and not unexpected) plans to have a child. I'm not unbalanced or immature, I'm just hurting a lot. Not because I wanted to be the first, but because it was something I wanted so much, thought it was imminent and then he kept moving the goal posts. I asked him when he was unemployed whether he was putting off getting a job because he deep down wasn't ready for a child and he reassured me over and over again this wasn't the case. I believed him.

The worst part is that I do hate myself for not being thrilled for this other couple, as I have been for all my other friends and unreasonable as it may be, I blame him for making me feel that way.

We had a big heart to heart last night and having got a lot of stuff off my chest that I should never have been carrying around with me all this time, I feel renewed. I nolonger feel angry about it all. I nolonger actually care that they are pregnant and we are not. I realise it was never really about them anyway.

I appreciate that people took the time to reply to my question. Some of you I think should re-read what you write before posting. Some of the comments were way-off the mark, bared no relation to my question and had no other intention than to wound.

People when they are extremely stressed or hurt do over react but that doesn't make them evil or crazy. Please, please, when someone is hurting, don't perform a character assasination on them. How would you feel if you were genuinely hurting and asked for help only to be attacked? It's not fair to do it and you wouldn't appreciate it if you were on the receiving end. That isn't being challenging, it's just mean.

I am glad you have spoken to him

it sounds like you were transferring a lot of the anger etc you were feeling and the resentment towrds your DP on to this other woman

i hope you can move forward and make a fresh start

Glad you are feeling better

No offense taken, Screaming. I didn't think you were rude.

Polkadotty, fwiw I read you original post as an amazingly honest emotional dump of how you were feeling.

And I wonder if this is the real issue behind all the different things going on. Here's my take, but feel free to ignore it if I'm completely off the mark. After all, we all bring our own stuff with us to Mumsnet.

For you, emotional honesty is very important to the point where you include information that many people self censor to the point they don't even recognise it about themselves (hence some of the incredibly negative almost aggressive comments by some posters).

My guess is that you realised that your DH was not being straight with you and talked to him about it, probably on more than one occasion. So now you know that you were right and that he was not being honest with you. So you feel angry with him and probably angry with yourself for not forcing the issue. You feel manipulated in a way that you would consider inconceivable in return.

His behaviour in relation to the friend also smacks of 'keeping you sweet' - I have to tell her this thing she's not going to like and I don't want to deal with her reaction so if I do this other thing she really wants me to do I might get away with it. Which, again, will feel like a manipulation.

On top of which, you have held onto stuff you would normally have shared in order to support him and so this feels like a triple whammy. But it was probably very difficult for you to share because your ability to be emotionally honest with him was being compromised by his emotional dishonesty with you.

I am really pleased that you have managed to talk about this and get things off your chest. But if any of what I said resonates, I do think it would be useful to explore what you both think about honesty. It is all too easy to think that other people see the world the same way we do. And the responses to your original post do show just how differently people see the world. Also, deciding to start a family feels like a big decision but it is just the very first of lots of big decisions which don't get easier because you made the first one!

Also, I wondered if the issue with the other woman relates to the same thing. As in, she asked a straight question about you TTC and so you gave an emotionally honest answer, that is you told her everything and now it's come back to bite you. If so, it might be helpful to develop some strategies for dealing with people who don't think the same way you do.

Sorry it's so long but couldn't let your post go without responding.

You seem to have a very odd take on this.
Do you really believe that this other couple started to TTC in order to 'beat you'? I honestly don't think people take such decisions so flippantly? This is not a race. There are no prizes for being first and actually being first in a group of friends can feel quite lonely.
And why on Earth are you now upset given that your DH is now comfortable TTC?

He didn't lie to you. His feelings have now shifted and he feels more confident TTC. This is a GOOD thing. Please try and be happy and move forward positively. Your DH sounds like he has infact been quite honest with you. He could have kept his new feelings to himself and pretended he now wanted to TTC for other reasons. He has admitted his friend's decision has played a part.

YOU are clearly very influenced by what your peers are doing in their lives (to an extreme extent) so why can't he be?

Hope you can now move forward with a positive attitude.
Mumsnet can be quite harsh, I agree, but through that can come some useful honesty.