the most humiliating experience of my life

[totalidiot]

I have made the most embarrassing, total fool of myself.

Please don't judge me too harshly because I know I have behaved badly on every level.

A few months ago I met a man who I found very attractive physically. I am a single parent and don't go out often but had an amazing chemistry with him. The thing is he is a coke dealer and has a coke habit himself.

I knew that I would never have a 'real' relationship with him because of that but started seeing him. The 'relationship' was messed up from the start, he had terrible moods and acted appallingly but was also charming at times. In bed it was amazing, the best sex I'd ever had.

In my mind we were never having a relationship and I did say this to him a few times. Eventually I said to him that I was only after a casual thing. I did just want the fun we had in the bedroom but nothing more, due to his dealing, his habit (and his moods, but I didn't mention the moods at the time). He wasn't happy and though not over between us, things got worse (outside of the bedroom).

Last weekend he invited me to a street party in his area. Basically, he ignored me when I was there and I didn't know many other people. I got really drunk which is totally unlike me. Later on I bumped into him and he started having a real go at me saying I used him for sex, all I wanted was a fuck buddy, that I knew what he did when I first met him and then he wanted to go outside and have a fight with me...He actually said he wanted a physical fight with me.

The way I responded...and this is where it gets worse. I said I would show him it wasn't just about sex and that I hadnt used him by following him around all night. So I did (and texted and rang him several times as well) and he couldn't shake me off for about an hour...I eventually staggered home.

The next day, mortified I texted him to apologise for harassing him and said I had never used him (although of course in some respects I had) and that I'd never bother him again.

How I could have acted like that, let alone get involved with someone like him I don't know. (I am a good parent and my son has had no involvement with him).

I do honestly think he thought we were having a relationship although his behaviour has been inexcusable for most of the time.

yes snorbs you are right. I think though a lot of coke dealers have a habit too. He probably was caning it that night not that I'd have known as I was too pissed to notice.

I feel both guilty and angry and humiliated by the night. Guilty because I was really using him, angry because he threatened me and humiliated by hanging around him. I looked like a sex starved idiot. I'm surprised he's not equally ashamed.

This might be a total stab in the dark and I apologise if it offends but... were you using too?

using, as in drugs? no.

not sure what you mean by disconnected? do you mean able to have sex without emotional involvement? I never have before been like that but I suppose with him the idea of a relationship was out of the question for me but the chemistry was amazing.

the thing is my life is quite lonely as a single parent. I don't go out much and I used to be a party animal before I had my son 6 years ago and I do find it hard. The reason I appear disconnected is that I made a conscience decision when I met him, I knew exactly what he was like, his moods - though they bothered me were exactly what I expected.

I knew it would be unsustainable but I also found it fun - not because of the danger but because of the sexual sparks between us.

I did have a self protective mechanism because I knew at some I would end it, that we were incompatible.

I think you can stop fretting about having hurt his wickle feelings by not wanting a relationship with him. He's a cokehead. He didn't want a relationship with a person. He wouldn't be capable of one.
TBH you have had a lucky escape. A mate of mine lived with a cokedealer for a while. Till he broke her jaw one night and she then lived in a refuge for a while...

I have occasionally had good sex with people who were stupid/unpleasant/aggressive, but only ever for a night or two before scooting away with a diplomatic fib, so I know the feeling. Just put it behind you. SNowboy won't be chasing you again so you can move on.

TI,

I remember your previous postings. Learn from this experience and certainly do not repeat it!. You need to forgive your own self here, he does not deserve further consideration.

Think you need to work on your own self now and rebuild your own self esteem and worth.
I would actually look into having some relationship counselling.

Life can be lonely as a single parent but you're not the only one in such a situation so you need to become more proactive in your own life. Nothing will change unless you make changes for your own self. You need to get out more and move your life in a different direction to where it is at now. A different job or taking up a college course is a start.

You may not subconciously think as well you are deserving of being with a nice man. Abusive men like this one is can be charm personified at times but their true nature soons reemerges as you have seen first hand.

Why have you made such bad choices in men?. You need to closely examine this with a counsellor and unlearn the destructive patterns you have learnt because you may well repeat the same mistakes all over again. What did your parents teach you about relationships?. That needs to be examined as well. Beyond the sex there was nothing at all, there was no mileage in this at all.

I might be wrong but I think that coke can sometimes improve a man's sexual stamina so that may have been why the sex was so good anyway.
Without the coke he probably wouldn't have been that good in bed anyway
I think you've had a very lucky escape and made a sensible decision not to get into a relationship with this loser man.

He's a coke user/dealer. They are nasty. That's why. Stay away from him.

I can feel sorry for him - if he was happy in himself would he need to use drugs? - and being told he was being used would make him feel even worse about himself. I can see why he would be upset and angry. But, that doesn't excuse him behaving threateningly towards you, that was wrong.

You did use him, on purpose, and decide he wasn't worth anything more because he had a drug problem and this was wrong because you were always going to end up hurting him. However, most of us are not saints and I can see why you would have found it hard to resist some good sex and excitement if you were feeling lonely and bored and unsatisfied with your life. And you did tell him from the beginning that it was just for sex - but perhaps expecting him to be able to handle that was unrealistic. You didn't do it with the purpose of hurting him, it wasn't malicious, him getting hurt was kind of an accident!

You are right not to want a relationship with him because his strongest relationship will be with drugs unless he cures himself of the addiction. You would never come first and the effect of the drugs on him are always going to make him likely to treat you badly. Maybe what has happened will teach him something useful!? that he won't be able to have a good relationship until he stops taking drugs. So maybe what you have done will actually help him in the long run! (if he looks at it like this and doesn't just let it make him feel even worse about himself). You did tell him it was because of the drugs after all so he should make the link that being on drugs means people won't want to have a relationship with him.

What you did at the party doesn't sound that awful to me! You can put it down to being drunk - loads of people behave like idiots when they are drunk. It is one of those things that will just blow over in people's minds quite quickly and then next time you talk to them and you are acting normal their image of you will be quickly replaced by that again.

Everyone makes mistakes and does silly things. You haven't done anything really awful and him behaving threateningly towards you is worse than what you did. What would be really bad is to not learn from the mistake and to do it again. But you have learnt not to get involved with someone on drugs, even just for sex, because things will go wrong and people will get hurt. Just put it down as life experience and something you did when you weren't being 'wise' because you still had stuff to learn about people and the world (like we all do, nobody knows it all).

thank you actingnormal - that's how I feel too.

I know I did use him although his behaviour towards me even before that night was so moody it would have been impossible to have had a relationship anyway.

Threatening to hit me really put the nail in the coffin though and I'm shocked that he said that and wonder whether he would have gone through with it.

I hope he stops the dealing and the drug taking although I can't imagine he will.

Yes I agree with Acting Normal. When I started reading your post I was expecting you to have done something REALLY embarrassing- run around naked or something. So when I read what you really did it didn't seem that bad at all. Plenty of people have done far worse in drink and really you showed a lot of self-control in the circumstances.

Take heart and don't cringe too much. Just stay away from him.