I just don't get him!

[emmawil37]

Hi All,

I don't know if anyone read any of my other conversations I have started but basically my husband left us 3 weeks ago after I found he was advertising for nsa daytime sex on the internet. Well, since then we have seen him and all got on OK, I'm not so angry anymore, I believe that some of it was due to my fault to the extent that the relationship obviously had problems, I am not excuses his behaviour.

Its just we have both agreed to wear our wedding rings again, i have said that I forgive him and that he can come home and we can try and work on our relationship with counselling, etc, won't be easy but I would give it a go. But, he's the one acting as if he is the hard done by one and I don't get it He won't come home and he complanes that my parents haven't checked if he's OK as he has to live with his sister and her family, his sister or any of his family haven't phoned, texted or anything to ask whether me and the kids are OK, but he wants my mum and dad to check on him because he thinks he has it worst. It wasn't me that was unfaithful. I just don't get it. I think I am seriously missing something. I meet him with the kids for lunch today he was saying that he was looking at a bedsit coz he can't stay with his sister anymore and I said he can come home and he just glared at me and as he was leaving I told him he didn't have to punish himself anymore its OK and again he gave me a look that said that it was all my fault not his.

When I first found out, yes, I went mad and texted and phoned abuse at him, well I kind of think I was justified I had just found out my husband who I thought was going to be with me for life had been cheating on me, but i calmed down very quickly I think and now I'm OK however, that's what he's throwing back in my face, that I dared get angry with him, I just don't understand!

Any insight gratefully recieved.

The person I was before I met him was an alcohol dependant bankrupt ex publican who had just came out of another abusive relationship, before that my 1st dh turned out to be gay, relationship before that I was beaten up on a daily basis. Believe me this dh was the best I have been with so far. I have suffered from pnd, high blood pressure, artharitis of the spine and anxious since the children, and I want to be strong for the dc but its so hard. My parents are happy to help my mum is a control freck and since dh has left will not leave me alone and takes over everything, everyday and makes me feel like a child again. I just can't believe it all happened again, I'm 38 this year and I just want to settled in a loving relationship with my dc, but I don't think I could ever trust myself to chose a partner again, god knows what I would pick next time! I would go to counselling but noone will take me on I have too many problems apparently and have to wait up to 2 years to see a psycharitist on the NHS that is.

You don't have to have a partner you know!?

Life us worth living without, and space for just you might help you sort some of your problems out.

You dont have to be in a relationship to survive you know? i think you need to re-discover yourself, this man has obvioulsy played on your past experiences and knowing you think he is the best you will ever get, he has taken it as que to do whatever he wants and be able to get away with it.

Wouldnt you much rather be on your own, enjoying life and making your own decisions, than be with a man who makes you miserable and treats you like dirt. You need to put your foot down with your DM, tell her you not a child, she doesnt have to be there every day, and if you need help you will ask for it

Whereabouts in the country are you emma? There are organisations which will provide counselling and you pay what you can afford (Westminster Pastoral Foundation is one and has centres in various parts of the country).

You need to tell your DH to stay in his bedsit. He has not shown one iota of remorse, and he doesn't think your feelings matter. You need to have a proper break from him.

Then, you need to be firm with your mother. Tell her that you really appreciate her help, but you have to do things your own way and you have to learn to cope on your own (with her support of course).

You are not a child, you are an adult with children of your own who need you to be strong.

Then you need to have counselling to find out why you think you deserve so little from the people who are meant to be important in your life.

If you need help around the house or with the DC then pay someone. If you want sex buy a vibrator. If you need company then get out and meet people. Your DH may provide those things but you don't need him to. You don't need to 'win back' a shitbag who cheats on you over and over again. Fuck sake woman you are worth more than that. Just because he's not as shit as some men doesn't mean he's not shit.

Its when they fight all the time, they are both very clingy to me and I just can't have anytime to myself and that's what scares me. The 3 weeks sitting by myself watching reading self help books desperately trying to make sense of things, its lonely all ready. When I thought he was up to no good again I remember looking at the computer and thinking do I really want to know, I wished in some respects I never found out the truth.

Yeah I guess, I just want to happy. I never believe people are shit, I always look for the best in people, I could not treat someone like that and I don't understand how people can be so crap, I should of learnt by now really.

Sorry, yes I did have time to myself, when I spilt up with dh1 I had 6 years by myself, I have owned my own business, I studied criminology to postgraduate level, I am a qualified counsellor and have worked with women who have been victims of domestic voilence and men who have been abusers and my advice to somebody else in my position would probably be the same as yours, but I just feel so very very crap and incredibility stupid. I just can't get it right and I just can't be happy with myself.

p.s I haven't worked as a counsellor for a very long time, good thing to probably!

I think she meant time to yourself when your H looked after the kids.

The fact your DD doesn't want Daddy there should ring alarm bells to you tbh.

Oh right sorry no the kids never wanted to stay with him and if he did then he would be on the computer!!!!

Sorry dittany, I surpose its not going to be that much difference infact I thinking about it, the kids used to be awful at going to bed and staying in there bed, which was one of H biggest moans, but since he's be gone they have been much more settled. Its just the times when I've had a hard day at home with the kids I can't just go and have a bath when he gets home from work, that sort of thing. My dd said this avo that she knows she doesn't see daddy everyday and she said that's OK, she doesn't want him to live at home anymore. DS is 3 and he says he can get upset when he sees me upset.

I think you should listen to your children, emma.