Anyone with experience of siblings who do not speak to them?

[reikizen]

Any hints or tips on coping with a family gathering? I have a family wedding coming up where I will meet up with my sisters for the first time since they cut me out of their lives nearly 20 years ago. I am absolutely sh*ing it I don't mind confessing. I wonder if there are any wise words to help me through...

It is one thing to have had one and to walk away and quite another to have never had one in the first place.

reikizen - my brother hasn't spoken to me for, ooh, 19 years. I've been to a funeral where he's been and it wasn't a problem.
There's usually plenty of other people who are speaking to you.

"Families should be cherished when you are lucky enough to have one."
Depends on the family really doesn't it
OP - I am in this situation with my brother. Go to the wedding, hold your head high, don't initiate conversations with your sisters if you don't want to and spend your day with the people you want to be with.
They will be easy to avoid at a wedding, there will be plenty of other people to talk to.
Ever heard the saying "Good friends are God's way of apologising for your family"

I'm sorry FBG - I took too long to type that and it sounds a bit insensitive now after your post earlier.

do not forget, as scared as you are, I am sure they too are feeling as worried.

not that that makes it all any easier (I too have similar issues), but just remember that they too are in the same boat as you, so if they are not wanting to 'make-up' either, they also will be trying not to be near you IYGWIM.

ginnny - it is fine I didn't take offence as there was nothing to be offended my.

Op I went to my Brothers wedding a few years ago and my Father Step Mother and 3 sisters were there who I hadn't spoken to since I was 14 I just mingled with people I did like and ignored them

My other sister who I do speak with is getting married next year and its going to be the wedding from hell it will be the first time that My mother father are in the same room since I was 4years old I am 25 and it will be the first time everyone will be together even though most of us don't talk But itend to have a good time be polite and show my support to my Sister

I feel so much better about it all now. I am happy not to have my sisters in my life as I'm afraid I can't agree that all families should be cherished either so wasn't looking for advice on 'making it up' with them, just coping with the day. Thanks y'all.

You have my sympathy reikizen, I just wouldn't go.

My family is completely ripped to shreds. My stepfather has three children from his first marriage who he doesn't see at all. We had "access visits" with them when we were all smaller but it just stopped abruptly. Even when his daughter wrote to him and begged him to be in her life he ignored her. One of his sons was killed in a motorbike accident at the age of 17 and he went to the funeral, but he had no contact with the other two after that.

My older brother and sister don't speak to my mother at all and haven't done for years. There have been various catastrophic attempts at reconciliations over the years - hideous Christmas which started with lots of false gaiety and ended with people screaming off down the road in taxis in the middle of the night, suitcases being emptied out of upstairs windows, gifts being flung back in faces etc. Now there's no contact at all.

My sister intermittently communicates with my dad but frankly treats him like crap and they hardly ever see each other. My brother refuses to speak to (or even about) my dad as well as my mother.

My sister and I haven't spoken since my wedding nearly 9 years ago. She knew I was in hospittal fighting for my life when I had ds1 and that he was in SCBU fighting for his - she was in phone contact with my dad - and her attitude was "well if she wants to be a brood mare" and "shut up about her, I'm sick of hearing about her". She's hasn't seen my children (6 and 4) and doesn't want to.

my brother and I very recently started re-establishing our relationship after years of non-contact (my mother made it a condition of my relationship with her that I not contact him, as it would be "disloyal". I was my mother's only support and confidant for years after the older two split and a couple of years ago - after yet another huideous violent blackmailing episode - I finally cut her and my stepfather out of our lives. So my kids have no relationship with them either. My brother's relationship with me is very shaky and prickly, at Christmas I almost lost him because I ferried a message from my dad which my brother thought was a terrible thing to do. My brother doesn't speak to my sister either, and we have younger siblings who we don't have contact with because my mother has them by the scruff of the neck.

I fucking HATE our family and the shameful scrapyard it has turned into.

sorry for hijack

Greensleves your family sounds just like mine...

god, really? I've never met a family as fucked as mine

I feel for you reikien. I have a sister who I don't initiate contact with and will avoid if at all possible. Fortunately the rest of my family understand and are affected by her behaviour to a greater or lesser degree than me.

In family gatherings I just treat the situation as entirely normal. I don't talk to her, but then I don't obviously not talk to her either. I will join a group conversation where she is present and observe the social niceties like passing the butter and wiping her children's hands for them. However, when she comes out with one of her offensive comments (and she is the queen of the veiled put down) I stop, look at her, appear to be considering a response, then raise an eyebrow or shake my head slightly and carry on without answering. I never dignify any of her comments with a response. That way I appear to be behaving in a civilised manner and she is exposed as being rather childish.

I will admit to screaming quietly in a corner afterwards though.

Hi
Just to add to the others, I'm sure it will be fine. Weddings are usually quite busy, and there will be other people to talk to. Or, it could be a chance to get over the rift if you wish (although it sounds like that may not be right for you).

I've not spoken to my father for 22 years. My mum died when I was 17, and I left home at 19 as I'd had enough of his violence and just couldn't be bothered any more. I've seen him three times since then at family funerals, and find my sister's advice gets me through. She said to just imagine dad as a random stranger. It allows me to be polite to him, without feeling like I have to confront him or talk to him in any depth.
Donna x

I would definately go. Why should you miss out because of their pig headedness?
Go and hold your head up high and wait for them to approach YOU. Mabe they will want to talk and if they are STILL giving you the cold shoulder then they are twats and a bit crazy. Over borrowing a piece of clothing fgs! Walks off tutting.

Mind you- it depends if you think if you will be missing out.
How much do you want to go and how close are you to the bride and groom?

You were 18 years old, still just a kid.

And they won't forgive you?

Have you tried talking to them prior to now? What have you done to make amends? Because this could simply be a case of the other side being to stubborn to make the first move.

I think once you put out an olive branch, if it's rejected then it no longer becomes your problem. If they cannot forgive what you did when you were 18, well.............

Go to the wedding, with your head held high, and wish your brother well. He'll be over the moon that you made the effort as I'm sure he knows the situation all too well. Others will also see the effort you've made.

They may well be as scared as you are. Scared of a confrontation. Make sure that doesn't happen. If they have a go, you walk away. Believe me, your actions will be noted and you'll leave that wedding with a lot more respect than them. Sympathies will wane for them throughout the rest of the family if they misbehave or are still cold towards you.

Oh, and this piece of advice comes from another person with a broken family. My brother hardly speaks to me, if he does it's a sarcasm. My mother's husband hates me, the feeling is mutual. I barely speak to her either.

But the point is, I've done the olive branch thing. Then came a point when I thought about my own little family, and about getting my priorities right.

So I'll not avoid any family member and will be polite and friendly when spoken to. Because their actions speak more about them than me, and if they cannot behave in a grown-up manner then that's their problem. I know I've nothing to beat myself up about.

I have a sister I haven't spoken to for 3 years. There was a falling out over my mother's estate. She cut all contact with my brother and sister but I managed to stay in (awkward) contact with her. I told her when I had DS1 and she phoned in the first week and sent a card. Then when he was 8 weeks old she found out I'd been to visit my other sister (who I'm very close to and had visited me twice already) she told me I was f**ing scum and my parents (both dead) would be ashamed of me. I haven't spoken to her since and neither have my other siblings.

I feel sad she is not in my life but feel more sad that she she is the person she has become.

I'm dreading my aunt dying as her funeral is the only place we are likely to be forced to meet.

I feel your pain, but remain dignified at all times and it can't last that long!

reikizen, so many wise words already above I hope you manage to enjoy yourself. I think you're very brave for going!

My sister hasn't spoken to me in nearly 9 years. I'm not sure why. Mum knows but won't tell. I found my sister online on Friday and have emailed to try and sort it out. I'm not holding out much hope, but as Rhubarb says, I'm offering that olive branch.

I haven't spoken to my sister for at least 5 years (lost count). My mum is getting old and I know i my heart that her illness/funeral will be when I next have to face the bitch dear sister.

I plan to get on with it, surround myself with myfriends who support me and fuck her!